One of my favourite short story collections by a Nigerian woman definitely has to be Nearly All The Men In Lagos Are Mad which was written by Damilare Kuku, an actress, writer and radio presenter.
Known for short as NATMILAM in literary circles, asides the humorous tone, what I love the most about the collection is the way the writer spoke on heavy issues like cheating, rape and infertility with a determined yet serious “lighthearted” tone.
In one of the stories titled Beard Gang, we were introduced to a group of very rich women whose equally rich gay husbands married them in a mostly unsuspecting manner in order for them to hide their sexuality.
That story is one of the things that made me question the concept that women should stay in clearly disrespectful situations and align to sexist beliefs because: “Feminism is about choice and freedom”.
In the story, the first major leader of the Beard Gang group was a woman who was very rich. However, she encouraged another younger woman whose husband was sleeping with her own husband to stay and get all she could financially from him because in her words: “Why spend your money when you can spend his.“
Now, this was such that even when the younger woman was made richer, due to that advise from the older woman, she stayed in a very unsatisfying marriage because she did not want to spend her money but his own.
Let’s get this right. I’m not one to blame women for staying in bad and loveless marriages or relationships. I understand that not everyone has it in them to be social outcasts and this even includes the younger woman in the above story.
However, I’m against framing being in clearly disrespectful situations and institutions as “feminist choices”, all because a woman and especially a feminist made those choices.
The truth is that we are all going to make downright misogynistic choices as feminists to survive. It may look like laughing along with the crazy policeman to avoid been shot for one feminist.
While for another feminist, it may look like changing your name after marriage so that it is easier for you to travel with your child.
But does this mean that all choices are feminist and in line with the wellbeing of the woman who made them? No it does not. This is because feminism is not about choice. Feminism is about giving women the tools to make choices that are free of sexist influence.
It is not a feminist choice that a woman has to stay in a loveless marriage with a man who married her to cover up his sexuality. It is instead a call to action to alleviate poverty and even low self esteem in the women who make that choice.
While they must not be shamed for changing their name or marrying up in order to escape poverty, when we celebrate these things as “choices”, we run the risk of not advocating for women who don’t want marriage to start with, are lesbian and so do not have the possibility of marrying for social and financial stability.
Speaking with Davida, a feminist content creator and writer, she explains that no choice is made in a vacuum and as such sexist choices should not be defended. In her words: “I will start by saying that no one makes any choice in a vacuum. External influence always plays an integral part in every choice we make so we cannot say that every choice is a feminist choice. I don’t believe every choice is a feminist choice because societal factors play a huge part in the choices we make.
Take for example a woman who has been raised to be a subservient partner. So she’s raising the kids, committing to gender roles, running herself ragged because she needs to run the home with little or no help from her partner.
If she comes out to say she is an adult, and she is CHOOSING to do all this, can we say it is truly a feminist choice?”
Davida concluded by saying: “We also need to factor in the fact that a lot of people do not have the privilege to make choices. Life just happens and every decision they take is out of necessity and not necessarily because they are feminist choices.”
For Morayo*, a mother, she explains that the concept of wrong choices can also be seen in issues like bleaching. To quote her: “We need to redefine choice. Is it really my choice to bleach if I have been made to feel insecure about my complexion since I could talk? Is it a choice if I don’t consider the alternative? Is it a choice if I’m manipulated through the potential results of doing otherwise? Is it a choice to work twice as hard to earn the same respect that men get?
Some of what we call choice is actually adaptation. Adaptation isn’t a conscious choice. It’s a forced one. A dangerous forced choice is not one’s choice at all.”
The truth is women regardless of feminist beliefs may take on sexist choices in order to get by. While that is understood, true feminism should advocate for a world where women would not have to “finesse the patriarchy” in order to access wealth or be seen as human.
Or to use the words of Aliyah, a writer: “Feminism is about giving women enough knowledge so that they are aware of the consequences of their actions.”
*Name changed to protect identity.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
