How Female Regret Is Shaped By The Patriarchy

There are some books that stay in your consciousness as a reader months and even years after reading them. One of them is Daughters Who Walk This Path, a novel by Yejide Kilanko, a Nigerian writer and therapist.

It is a coming of age novel that explores themes like family dynamics, violence against women and the lingering effects of sexual abuse on women’s long term personalities. 

While reading the novel five years ago, I also realised the deep role that patriarchy plays even in how women reflect, look back and ultimately regret parts of their lives.

Without giving too many spoilers, one of the lead characters, Morenike, was advising another character and actually said one of her biggest regrets was not allowing herself to marry a man who seemed to like her.

Now, this is not to say that Morenike’s feelings are not valid. However, I had to wonder why that would be one of her greatest regrets considering all she had gone through as a single mother who rose through the ashes in her career. 

It almost felt to me that she unconsciously viewed her other achievements and even her very valid desire of being single at some point, as nothing compared to being a man’s wife.

What interests me is that even when women make choices that are in line with what patriarchal societies approve of, some of these women may still have deep seated regret and unhappiness.

A glaring example of this are the numerous times supposedly content “trad wives” come to insult a childfree woman who makes a post about travelling and not being shackled to a toddlers whims and caprices.

If these women are truly happy with their choice and do not regret it, why is it that they aim to insult women who are simply talking about their love for their single, unmarried and childfree life? Is it a case of projecting insecurities?

There is a saying that the grass on the other side looks greener from where one is viewing. There is also a saying that misery loves company. I believe that these two statements apply to how women engage in our life choices and regrets.

Some women are unmarried but look on with longing for the lives of their married friends. The irony is that the same married friends may sometimes wish for the lives of their unmarried friends especially when it concerns the stress of taking care of children almost single handedly.

There are women who greatly desire children and there are some women who deeply regret having children and getting married young.

My question is this: “Where are the open, honest and vulnerable stories of women across generations sharing their regrets? Where are the stories of regrets that do not fit into what society expects women to have?”.

Furthermore, why do we shame the women who are brave enough to share the fact that they regret marrying or having children? The women who divorce and make it explicitly clear that given the chance to do life all over, they would never marry?

To further understand the concept of female regret and its relationship with patriarchy, I spoke with a few women. Here are their responses.

Oke

First, I believe regret is part of the human condition but our socialisation contributes to this. 

Because we are accustomed to certain norms, some women tend to feel that sticking to the rules comes with a form of reward. Eg you dress decently, cook and clean, you are rewarded with a good husband. When this doesn’t materialise they feel jealous of non-conforming women who reap the “reward” reserved for good women like them. 

There are decisions I definitely would have avoided. But while I wallow in regret sometimes, I have decided to use these situations as a learning point/template to identify negative situations that may occur in my future. 

My advice for women is that they shouldn’t put themselves in a box. Life isn’t always a this/that situation. You can wish for A and B happens. What we can do as women is have a safety net (eg if I decided to have kids and one day changed my mind but can’t conceive would I consider IVF or adoption. If yes, how can I plan?). Also women can reevaluate their plans and decisions regularly. If you decided at age 20 that you don’t want to have kids, evaluate your decision at 25. If you feel the same, fine and good. If you feel differently, accept that you have grown and recalibrate.

Aliyah

Omg yes yes yes. A married woman close to me always laments that if she had been privileged enough to take her education outside secondary school, she would not have married the person she married. 

This person is very smart and business savvy that her husband suffers so much loss because he never listens to her. 

And she always ponders how she could have been an entirely different person.

Iruoma

If I would go back in time, I would change nothing. But I think this patriarchal system is why the likes of John Doe are perpetuating fear and building a colony of people (especially females) who are afraid to make their own decisions because of “consequences”. To avoid female regret, older women are still married to arrogant unyielding cheating men, and the men gladly boast that they have a wife at home despite their shameless escapades.

Female regret is the reason we’ve somehow conceded to the fact that when a man cheats, it’s the woman’s fault and her responsibility to deal with it and stay in the marriage.

Female regret is the reason why some women “settle” for men who don’t have much to give in return and then turn around to preach that women should sacrifice for their home.

It’s also the reason why a woman would boldly remark that women are the one losing when it comes to FWB situationships, because of course, she has been groomed to believe that she cannot enjoy sex/love if it’s not dictated by the man. I saw a tweet on this on X today.

Somehow women are supposed to be ashamed of themselves, of their identity in fact. That’s why we second guess ourselves a lot. That’s why we carefully consider everyone else but ourselves.

Ade*

It baffles me that many older women, including my mother, know the pains of these choices but still want you to marry a man thinking yours will be exceptional, and even if it isn’t, that’s life.

My mom is an example of this. She wishes she actually revolted against her father by choosing not to marry and becoming a nun.

And even in marriage, she laments about how she could have furthered her education and made mad money.

Even while she acts fine on the outside, there’s always this despair in her. She wants my siblings and I to actually pursue our interests: “You should do your Masters. If it’s to collect loans to sponsor you, I will do it.”

Although none of my siblings ever followed her advice, I will.

~

The reality is that under a sexist society, women’s choices can reflect sexist conditioning. This also applies to how women hold regrets.

True progress will be made when women can make choices and have regrets that are from a neutral standpoint and not shaped by patriarchal norms.

*Name changed to protect identity.