If Your Younger Self Was Seated Across You What Would You Advice Her?

If there is an area that more women need to actively inculcate then that area is learning from past mistakes and learning from the lives, experiences and stories of other women.

Even more, women need to have empathy towards all the different versions of ourselves as much as we seek to move on, heal and learn from them.

It is also important that women take time out to ask our present selves what aspect of the patriarchy has seen our fire, drive for change and energy get lost? 

What are the parts of our past selves that we unconsciously let go of so as to fit into what society has dictated as the behaviour of a “good” older woman? 

What are those parts of our past selves that need healing from and how can we speak hope onto the regrets we have?

To answer all of these questions, Urban Woman Magazine asked women to share what advice they would give their younger selves if those younger selves were seated across from them.

Below are their responses.

Diadem*

If I could meet my younger self (17 year old me), this is what I’ll tell her:

“You’re in University now, it’s your first time away from home. I know you’re scared, lonely and terribly homesick but don’t fall in love with that sweet and wise 30 year old man. I know you enjoy his company and love watching movies with him but there will be a lot of pain in your future. You’re this city to study, to become a pharmacist and make yourself and your family proud. Don’t get carried away, read your books so you don’t have to leave pharmacy and settle for education in the end.

Be courageous, run away from that relationship after he goes days without texting or calling you. I know it’s just the first year of the relationship and you think he will change but he won’t even after four years. He will gaslight you several times, you’ll be dependent on him and won’t have the courage to leave. You deserve so much better my darling.

Learn a skill, be productive, don’t idle away relaxing in the arms of your boyfriend. There’s so much more you can be if you’ll just commit to the process.

Be firm, it’s okay to continue being kind but learn to say no when you’re uncomfortable. No is a valid response, you don’t need to attach a reason to it.

Dwell in God’s presence, don’t do it for approval but because you want a genuine close relationship with your maker.

There are better days in your future, you just have to get through the bad days first and come out strong. Love yourself, love your body, take pictures, have fun. I know you’re insecure and hate your body now (you hate your breasts, your arms, your hip dips and your legs) but my darling, you will blossom into a very beautiful lovely young woman, you can’t imagine how much compliments await you in the future.

Everything will be fine in the end. You’ll be okay.”

Juliet

When you wanted to be held by your loved ones but got shushed away instead, you weren’t being too clingy or needy. 

Don’t listen to them.  Be more loud, outspoken, never to be talked down to. Don’t be pressured to date, it’s not worth it. Avoid being acceptable. Don’t smile if you don’t feel like smiling too.

If my younger self was seated across from me, I would tell her to never let go of herself.

Timi

My younger self was too self conscious, timid, and scared of the people she was living with. So I would tell her to be free and that the world needs to hear her tiny voice. I would tell her that no one actually sends her papa so she shouldn’t be too self conscious and scared for no reason. 

I would tell her to be bold and daring and not try to be the conventional ‘good girl’ because ‘nice girls don’t get the corner office.’ I would also tell her she didn’t have to be perfect to be loved. 

That she deserved to be loved not for doing house chores, performing well in school but just because she’s human. That her mistakes don’t define her. She should learn from them and move on.

Mmasirichi*

I have three great regrets. 

One, my younger self let too many men have access to her. If I could go back, I would tell her to ignore them and focus on other things. I would tell her to be a strict babe. I would tell her to ignore the doubts and self loathing.

Second, my younger self from Uni let the voices of people saying that no one gets a first class in UNICAL’s faculty of Law get to her so much so that she didn’t even try. She used to be such a high flyer and she didn’t even try in Uni. I would tell her that academic validation is great and good grades would make her life easier 

Finally, my younger self was too self conscious and cared too much about other people’s opinions. She didn’t put herself out there on LinkedIn cos she was too nervous. She didn’t take social media seriously cos she was waiting for the perfect time. She didn’t take online debates seriously in 2020 because a certain person whose opinion she idolised underrated it. I would tell her to do everything. I would tell her that greatness comes from working past the cringe.

Blessing 

I would say to her: “Leave on the first red flag, your standards are never too high. Take more walks, take more pictures, don’t be so hard on your friends and yourself. Pay more attention to your parents and their health, and get out of your shell more in uni. 

Take life seriously, but enjoy your present as much as possible, it was always going to be okay in the end.”

Chiamaka

I would tell her not to bend herself to fit in anybody’s life. To be very selfish with her time and space. I would tell her not to let fear rob her of experiences and to talk to people that know better in moments of doubt. I would tell her that she would always get out of situations that seem impossible, that she should trust herself more. 

I would also tell her not to shy away from the hard things, that they are the things that would mould her to who she’ll be. I would tell her that she is never alone no matter how alone she feels. I would tell her not to make decisions in moments of fear.

I would tell her to love herself. That single factor would shape the kind of decisions she’d end up making.

Gabriella

My younger self was very self-determined but also battled crippling anxiety. It was a weird place to be. 

If I could talk to her, I would tell her to not waste a second doubting or second-guessing herself. I would tell her to do all the things she wanted to do. To bring all her ideas to life. I would tell her that she does not have to be perfect and it was always enough to just be. 

To do things imperfectly is better than not doing them at all. To be bold because failure is nothing to be afraid of—it is as much a lesson as success. To put herself out there because she was never ‘too much’ or ‘too loud’ or ‘too proud.’

I would also teach her to ask for help when she needed it. To ask women for help.

Amy

My younger self always sought for validation and believed her voice wouldn’t be heard until she screams. My younger self was scared of expressing herself hence she was trampled upon a lot. My younger self was lonely even in a large family. 

My younger self thought it was okay to not ask for help and accepted any affection thrown at her. My younger self saw little kindness as love hence she threw her arms over any man who showed her that. My younger self sought for a father figure in every man she dated. My younger self allowed her dream to be shut and she never knew how to since then figure out life. 

If I could sit with her now I’d tell her to leave her parents house much much earlier, spread her wings and that she is enough, she is beautiful and her words matter.

I would hug her and let her cry as much as she wanted on those nights when she sought a shoulder to lean on.

Atinuke

Don’t be intimidated. Get rid of shyness. Don’t  yield to parental pressure. Prioritize yourself more. Be more determined and hungry for success. Never settle for less…

These are the things/advise I wish my younger self had access to.

Eniola

The first thing I’ll let her know is BE YOU… UNAPOLOGETICALLY!!!! I hear a lot of people talk about how they love their secondary school life than uni…..mine is the direct opposite.

I lost myself,.my confidence, my voice in secondary school….fuck I was a people’s pleaser because I didn’t understand that my principles were not just what others were in line with. 

I was constantly told to reduce my voice because it was too loud, to speak ‘normally’ because apparently, I was faking an accent, to walk in a certain way because the way I was walking was me trying to gain attention. 

And then I thought….well …if this is what it’ll take for me to at least have one true friend….let me bend to their wills, let me gossip like they do…..but babe I tell you…..I wasn’t successful in it. One thing I’ll never forget till tomorrow is the day one babe told me to my face, I DON’T LIKE YOUR VOICE. 

The worst part was these were all said by my gender….what happened to women supporting women? God knows my hatred for women friendship started there….I stuck to guys.

I left for uni and the changeeeeeee….my goodness. It was strange…..I was commended about the very thing that I was condemned for……what in the Nollywood film was going on here?!?! 

I slowly regained my confidence, and when I tell you I left that school better than I entered. I went for posts, became the general secretary for my department, went ahead to become a senator for my hall and secretary for the public relations committee of the school’s association in my final year. I’m currently getting gigs and commendations on this same voice that was ‘fake’

I made amazing female friends… people who made me learn and experience what it means to have a supporting system….they helped regain my trust in women which is why till tomorrow…. I’ll always do my best to always support every woman’s dreams to the best that I can. 

And to top it all…..these same people who condemned my acts years ago, are now doing the very thing they judged me for. Bunch of nincompoops🤣🤣🤣

*Name changed to protect identity.