Where Are The Conversations On Female Loneliness?

One of my favourite works of fiction by a Nigerian woman is Americanah, written by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, the award-winning novelist, essayist, and feminist speaker.

It is a novel that explores race, beauty standards, and immigration, among other topics. I return to it each time I need a reminder to never define myself by former traumatic experiences.

Recently, I also realised that Americanah explored the theme of female loneliness as it pertains to immigration. Without giving too many spoilers, the main character, Ifemelu, experienced a form of loneliness when she relocated to America for school. 

This loneliness started when she moved in with roommates who were all white and when she was having issues finding a job to support herself. Although she used to call her very young cousin to speak with him and was in communication with friends, she still felt lonely and weighed down by the pressures of immigrant life.

I have provided this backdrop for us to ponder on why loneliness is not often spoken about as it concerns women especially as it concerns women who may have people, friends and even romantic partners in their lives. 

Why is no one talking about how women can be lonely even when surrounded by people?

Why is no one discussing loneliness as it affects older women whose husbands are dead and whose children have all grown up and left them? 

Why is it that the very people who bully women into marrying incompetent men with the phrase “you will die lonely” are very averse to widows deciding to marry again when she is in need of companionship? 

Why is no one discussing the emotional drought faced by married women whose husbands are not good companions? Emotional droughts that they then try to water by calling all the female friends they abandoned when they initially got married? Where are the conversations on how women have been raised to expect one man to fulfil all their emotional needs? Men who most times are not raised to be emotionally intelligent? 

Now, the rise of incel thought on social media has seen numerous discussions on why male loneliness must be treated as an emergency. We hear stories of how men are not having sex and how a world of sexless men will see a society of chaos, violence and anarchy. 

We see women being bullied online directly and indirectly for a man’s inability to get laid. 

But hardly anyone pays attention to the fact that women get lonely, too. This includes even women with children and husbands.

I spoke with two women to further understand the concept of female loneliness.

Pamela* believes that loneliness can also stem from women’s tendency to put the entirety of their happiness in men.

In her words: “Yes, I believe you can have many people around you yet feel lonely.  Loneliness can be in all sorts of forms; in a relationship, it could mean waiting on your partner to make you happy and so the entirety of a woman’s existence or happiness or feeling good is dependent on their partner. So they are just there until their partner does something to cheer them up, calls them or does something nice. They are not living their lives; they are just stuck and walking through life, not creating their own thunder. 

I think the same goes for friends. All my close friends have migrated to other countries. We talk on the phone often, but you know I’m just stuck at home feeling lost. I decided to go out and just do right by myself. I can’t wait for someone from Europe to fill my heart with  joy so that I feel less lonely.”

She went on to say: “I’m 28. I’m yet to figure my life out. I’m not sure the prospect of marriage is appealing to me as time goes by. My father is alarmed I’m rejecting suitors, and he’s told me how a woman’s time is when she’s very young. 

The funny thing is that most of my friends are married. I think society feels that a woman’s sole duty on earth is having a family and raising kids only, hence the outrage when a woman says she’s not interested. 

I think that society feels women don’t exactly deserve happiness and that piety and just being humble is a quality attached to women. So, if a widow is remarrying, most men will feel slighted. In their minds, how dare she gun for happiness and another chance with love when she’s meant to be devoted to a dead man? They will never do the same for her. Men demand loyalty but are not loyal themselves.

I think the way marriage is drummed into the heads of women, coupled with mothers tolerating toxic fathers has made it a default setting for most girls or ladies. There aren’t enough examples of healthy relationships around. 

Remember also that being patient with a man, trying to change a man and staying with a man because the grass is not greener on the other side is a teaching most women are accustomed to.

I have stayed with a toxic partner and I walked away after two years. He kept saying he would change, put up efforts and then relapsed. I got tired of being the understanding girlfriend and left. For context, he said he’s not the calling type, and won’t call or answer his phone calls in days. He would tell me my body doesn’t look natural, that I look like I fixed my body.”

Speaking with Maureen*, she explains that being alone and lonely are two different things.

To quote her: “Yes, I believe that one can be married and still be alone and lonely, especially in a society like Nigeria where men do not marry women but women that can perform for them and the society.

To be alone and to be lonely is not the same. Being alone refers to the physical state of being by yourself, without the presence of others. It can be a neutral or even positive experience, allowing for self-reflection, relaxation, or focus. Many people enjoy being alone for periods to recharge or pursue personal interests.

Being lonely, on the other hand, is an emotional state. It refers to feeling disconnected or isolated, even if you’re surrounded by people. Loneliness is often associated with a lack of meaningful social connections or companionship, and it can lead to feelings of sadness or emptiness.

In our society men have shown us how over and over they do not like the company of older women and this is why you are threatened to marry early unless no man will pick you.

The concept of having a partner as company to ease loneliness is not entirely out of place, but in reality, do our men come home? Or do they prefer to stay at clubs, bars and pubs until the kids sleep so they do not participate in the home chores?”

She went on to say, “I am a mom of two, and my partner is very willing for us to marry, but I, on the other hand, do not like the expectations that come with marriage. This is especially because I have experienced it closely. Ten years ago, I accepted to marry him, and afterwards, I could not recognize the person he became after I accepted that engagement ring (not abusive but complacent, as though he had reached the final destination).

As soon as I called off the engagement, he was ready to go to the beginning of the world to prove to me that Eve was not taken from Adam’s ribs. This is five years later, and I can never trade the kind, patient and great father he is now for any husband title. 

A few days ago my younger brother said to me: ‘All your friends are now married, you better get married, I don’t want anybody complaining of loneliness later on in life’. My brother is a decent young man, but he is still a man, and the misogyny is inevitable. 

I told him outrightly: ‘I am not the one who gets sick when I need sex and I can’t get it. I am not the one who can’t cook my own meal. I am not the one who wants children they cannot carry and bear to carry on their name. I am not the one who needs exaggerated respect to prove my humanity; I am a woman and I can never be lonely because inside and outside of me is the ability to build a community of people to do life with’. 

He was stunned, and he apologised. If I allow someone else to define my existence as a woman, I have failed my foremothers.”

The reality is that loneliness can take different forms for women and men. Being in a relationship does not guarantee that one will be free of loneliness.

It is therefore imperative that we acknowledge the complexities of female loneliness and open up conversations around it. Women, just like men, experience emotional gaps that may not be addressed by societal expectations of marriage, motherhood, or companionship.

Opening up these conversations would provide women the space to recognize and validate their own emotional needs, allowing them to redefine their fulfillment beyond the constraints of traditional expectations.

*Name changed to protect identity.