I am a lover of music. I love rap music, afrobeats, neosoul and highlife music. Music soothes me and provides an escape away from the stress and worries of the world and work.
Now, as much as I love music, I am often pushed to stop listening to certain artists because observing their lifestyles makes it hard for me to enjoy the music they create.
For example, I was a huge fan of Burna Boy but I had to mentally let him go when he did a public rape off with another singer called Shatta Wale. As a survivor myself, I just could not see myself enjoying his music without slapping in the face of the women he raped.
Another singer I have had to let go of is Buju because he beat his girlfriend.
Recently, an artist that I have put on mute is Davido. Yes I know. It may sound shocking because afterall he did not beat or rape a woman.
The reason I have stopped listening to Davido is due to how his sexual irresponsibility and treatment of the women who get pregnant for him actually led to one of such women losing her job when she outed him as the father of her unborn child. I cannot bring myself to listen to a man who cannot respect the fact that his wife was mourning their child and yet he was gallivanting around the world and getting women pregnant. Call it extreme but my ears would rather listen to someone else.
Where am I going with all of this?
I recall that when the Davido baby mama saga broke out a few weeks ago, one statement people on social media continually said about his wife Chioma, was that she knew what she was entering into because he had been cheating even before they got married.
These are the same people who blame women who leave men over things considered “trivial” and teach women to stick it out, build a man and endure nonsense in hopes that they get a ring from the same man.
The reality of living as a woman is that you can never win in a sexist set up. That is why more women need to be intentional about not offering sexist men more chances to disgrace themselves and break our hearts after they show themselves during the first few dates.
One of my sister’s favourite statements is: “When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them”. If a man is someone who in the first date, tells you that he believes that men are polygamous in nature, take that as your cue to leave if you are a woman heavy on exclusivity.
If you stay because you think you can “change” him, do not be surprised when the only change that occurs is a change for the worse.
This is because by staying with his nonsense you have indirectly given him the go ahead to continue because he knows that you place him as the prize; this is such that he continually disrespects you even as you scold him and particularly because he knows that you are afraid to leave him and be single.
Same thing goes if you are a woman that values being taken care of financially and then you partner with a man who though clearly richer than you, tells you on the first date to split the bill. If you do split and don’t pack up and leave him, as rich as he may be, every conversation on money will feel as though you are forcing him to take care of you.
Speaking with Elohor, a writer and editor, she explained that observing the way a prospective partner beat a woman made her leave.
In her words: “I think some women would ignore it if the flag is blinking and not stable, if you get what I mean.
I dated a guy in 2017 who was seemingly perfect. We bonded over Harry Potter and that was like the best thing ever. Relationship lasted exactly two months because the first time I saw him lose his temper, he slapped a woman.
I was there. I saw it. I’ve probably even shared it here. He apologized and said she provoked him yada yada yada but I was too scared to continue dating him. Even now sef when I tell people (read: men) what happened, they tell me I overreacted. That he didn’t slap *me*, that he was probably provoked and what not.
Wo! I’m too fine. Man don slap me before and it wasn’t funny. Never again.”
For Nana, a writer and mother, she said that for her she had to leave because as okay as the man in question was, he told her he would discipline her for not being as domesticated as he liked.
To quote her: “The first marriage proposal I got was from a family friend’s son.
I was under a lot of pressure to accept it, but I didn’t want to. In fact, my whole reason was based off of one statement that he made.
We were speaking about exepctations and responsibilities when it came up that I can’t cook (told all my dates this, but I can cook) and I don’t go to the market. He said I had to learn to cook cause it was a life skill (which I thought was a pretty normal point to make)
But then the market part, he asked why. I said because I don’t really like the stress and the crowd makes me feel faint and that my dad got everything for us, including pads and underwear.
Nigga said and I quote, ‘Your father has spoiled you o. You will learn discipline in my house. You can’t refuse to do things because you don’t like them’.”
Nana went on to say: “I can never forget that statement. Because first, why shouldn’t I be spoilt? Why? Secondly, discipline…lmao. Third, *his* house. I immediately alerted everyone that ah, sorry o, please, this is not my husband. I have not seen husband. My parents and his parents tried to pressure me, but I didn’t budge. My elder brother and sister also tried for me sha. They didn’t understand my point, but they didn’t want me to marry someone that I wasn’t happy with.
Why I didn’t marry that guy was because it was clear that he considered me less than he was and also, because he can kill me. My dear, later, my mum apologized to me because this guy later married one young lady and left the country when she was pregnant.
They said she was carrying twins and the pregnancy wasn’t easy. He ran away and divorced her in absentia.”
When asked to share her story, EA, a radio host said that a man’s insecurities can also be a red flag that must not be taken lightly.
She said: “So I got into this relationship with this guy who had tales about how his previous relationship scared him and he was in a better place now but alas he wasn’t. Every single move of mine was opposed as according to him he was subjected to a lot of doing as I say so he wasn’t going to let that happen.
It was so bad that if I put on the light he would turn it off just so he could express dominance. I called his attention to it but the man couldn’t see anything wrong. My not picking up a call at the first two calls would lead to silence for days and it was exhausting. I had to leave. I encouraged him to seek professional help because it was really bad.”
As much as the actions of men are terrible, it is of extreme importance that women learn to never settle or make excuses when a red flag is shining brightly.
This is because staying with a sexist man not only gives him the permission to wallow in his sexism, but also enables naysayers to laugh when you are on the receiving end of his foolishness.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
