If Your Mother Was Seated Across You What Would You Advise Her?

In most African societies and cultures, older people are venerated and seen as not to be questioned. 

This is such that their word is law and the wisdom gained from their life experiences is seen as what should be listened to without objection.

Furthermore, younger people are seen as those who cannot adequately proffer solutions on what older people can do better. This is such that a parent may never be told the areas where they acted wrongly by their children or even the areas they can improve upon.

However, for mothers and daughters, it is imperative that both parties learn from each other. It is imperative that we recognise that just as a daughter’s story is incomplete without knowing her mother’s struggles and learning from them, a mother’s story is also lacking if she does not appreciate the new insight that her daughter can bring.

Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some women and asked them what they would advise their mothers if their mothers were seated across from them.

Read their responses below.

Ahuoyiza*

DON’T MARRY THAT MAN! I’ll tell my mom to not get married to my dad. And to travel. She’s always wanted to travel. But with four children now, she’s not even thinking about it. 

Chai, men<<<<<<<

Ayei

I would tell her that I am very proud of her. I am proud to be her daughter because of her strength and grace. I’m proud that she got her PhD before retiring as a university librarian. She did a wonderful job raising the five of us with my dad,  the best she knew how.

I know the loss of one of us still hurts, but God will help her through the pain. And that the laughter of her children and grandchildren may help soothe a little as the years go by. She should relax and live life to the fullest on her own terms.

And that I love her very, very much.

Onaefe

Leave your husband.

Anietem

I’m glad that you learned to stop beating yourself up for not knowing any better. I’m glad that once you knew better, you did better. I’m glad that you are alive and with us. 

I’m proud of your heritage, all you stand for, and all the stories that are our foundation. I’m grateful for the strong sense of self you gave me. I’m grateful for your courage.

Please avoid letting other voices tell you what to do, or be. I know you don’t let them anymore, but I will continue to remind you of this. You can do or be anything you want. You always taught me this, so I don’t know how you forgot. But don’t worry, I’ll always be here to remind you. 

Please live your best life and do not let any of us hold you back from living that life. I know that you know this too, but again, I think you need a reminder from time to time. 

You’ve been living for others for too long. I’m so excited to see you finally start living for yourself.

Laura

Compromise is not sabotage. And it stops being a compromise when it’s one-sided.

Live for yourself. Explore. Decenter marriage and just….fucking live, gaddamit.

Nkiru*

Would tell her to be more assertive, be free to show emotions, she’s humane and has every right to express sadness and anger as long as she wants.

Also tell her not to keep another pregnancy after the third  or something, maybe she wouldn’t have kept the pregnancy that took her life.

Would tell her to imitate my stubbornness and craziness, people wouldn’t have stepped on her toes; you’ll just hear – ‘that woman no dey hear word o’, definitely better than being a doormat.

MJ

Mum, I’m glad you never take nonsense. You shouldn’t have birthed more kids and should have taken that job. I’m glad you have a mature man with you, even though he has his own in his body.

You’d travel as you wish and you’d take that course you want to take. I’d make sure of it.

You are an inspiration. Thank you for being a bit of a feminist even if not fully yet.

Here’s to us spending more time together and batting eyes at other people’s problems 🤭🥂

Enuvie

Don’t have a baby at 21.

Dija

I will tell her that it’s okay to choose herself every now and then.

That it’s okay to leave a marriage when the happiness you seek isn’t there anymore. I’ll let her know she shouldn’t suit herself to the societal pedestal set for married women. 

I’ll tell her that she is a strong woman. And I will tell her that the end of a marriage isn’t the end of a woman’s life.

Zira

Pick yourself sometimes too. 

It’d hurt your kids a little. But nothing you did in this life was worth you being left with three children of your own and two step children at 35. 

It ended up damaging you.

Peace

Divorce your husband 👍

Ebele

Mom, you don’t need to put your life on hold because of me. You  shouldn’t stop living because you were widowed young. You can be a vibing, happy single mom, you know?

Damn your in-laws. If they won’t treat you well as they did their son, turn your back on them with zero guilt. Heaven will not fall.

(I wish she were still alive so I can actually tell her😭).

O

You did your best, I guess. But…even your strongest kid still needs you. And when your strongest kid tells you she needs you, please listen.

Naomi

My woman. Do not think of marrying my daddy, if you see anybody wey resemble that man omo run o. Make sure you study that law that you want to study, finish your education to the end. 

Marry that photographer that you loved, I think he will make you happy. Make sure say you le ju pa. No too carry everything for head make you no die young because you did. 

Avoid overthinking, just relax and watch things unfold. I love you so much and I want you to stay forever. 

Make sure you pursue your dreams and be happy.

I miss my mom so much 😭

Ebose

Don’t try to get his family to understand you or like you. Do like Aunty Idowu, isolate us from them. When we are older we will decide for ourselves, don’t try to do things differently for their sake, they won’t learn to appreciate it.

AM*

You’re smarter than you realize. Put that intelligence into something you love and build it well. You will succeed beyond your greatest imaginations! Don’t feel pressured to marry. Definitely don’t feel pressured to marry someone who first of all, doesn’t like you at all and who you also don’t like that much. There’s always better and if not, you can be happy alone if you properly curate your own life.

*Name changed to protect identity