When it comes to matters of sex and sexuality, one cannot deny that women’s sexuality is shrouded in misinformation.
So much is unknown about the workings of women’s bodies and terrible practises like Female Genital Mutilation exist to ban women from enjoying sexual intercourse.
At the core of acts like FGM is the desire to physically shame and hinder women from knowing about sexual pleasure and being in control of their bodies. Even at that, FGM does not stop women from desiring sex but instead creates health problems along the way.
One thing is sure though: There is an abundance of shame that prevents women from saying what they desire sexually.
This shame affects even married women who have been taught that sex is dirty; this is even if women are raised to believe that sex within marriage shall be blissful and guilt free. But how do women overcome this shame around sex and our bodies?
To answer this question, Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some women for their opinion and tips on overcoming sexual shame.
Read their responses below.
Dera
I think it’s being shamed because of society and religion. I was shamed for sex by my mum when she found out I had a boyfriend once.
She concluded I was doing “ashewo” and told me to fast to be cleansed of my sins and I feel weird around her for that because I feel like she looks at me weirdly. I was down for a while but I realized that most of the people she compared me to already were sexually active and she didn’t know and I was more than just her religious beliefs or fear of parental failure.
I’ve had this vaginismus and even though I dated this guy for two years or more, whenever we tried sex, it would never enter and it’ll pain me madly if he decided to go ahead and try to force it.
But later last year, I met another guy that knew how to do the job well and he disvirgined me because he took the time to make sure it was slippery enough and kept telling me to “calm down, wait first, don’t shake” and it entered. It was painful the first three times we had sex and I bled but after that, it was pleasurable.
I would advise anyone struggling with shame to reprogram her mind and let go of those thoughts by gradually indulging and accepting that pleasure itself was created by God, for us. It’s just the world that fucks it all up.
Sex is good. Sex can be evil.
You can make love or have the fun of your life with it while you can use it to hurt another by taking it by force or sexually assaulting.
Nothing is really good or evil sha. It’s the person doing it that decides.
Nia
I recently had penetrative sex for the first time and while I was in total control of everything, I couldn’t help the initial shame I felt. I don’t even know if shame is the right word but as I was getting ready to meet up with the guy, I just kept asking myself what I was doing. The reason I waited for so long was because I wanted to be in control of everything, and I was.
I remember wondering while I was feeling dirty just because I was dressing up to go get some. I’m honestly still trying to figure out why I felt that way considering that I moved to the guy in question knowing that I wanted to sleep with him. I was in control, so why did I feel dirty even if only briefly? The one piece of advice I can give to anyone feeling sexual shame is to ask themselves if this is what they want. Is this your idea? If it is, just own it. It’s human to want sex, and you are human.
Abigail
I think women talking about sex is a thing that is shamed even by their husbands because there are people that believe sex is something done to a woman, not with a woman. “How dare you want to talk about something that was done to you?”. “You shouldn’t even enjoy it more”.
I have never encountered being shamed for issues related to sex because I mostly didn’t find myself in scenarios where sex related issues were mentioned. There was a time in my life, 2018-19, I made the decision to talk about anything sexual that pops into my mind…and it didn’t cause any issue with any of my friends then. It was an interesting experiment.
Sex is not dirty. Enjoy it, and find people that enjoy it too. It makes it easy when it’s an “ẹgbé ẹyẹ l’eye n wó tò” type of thing.
Jo
Wow I had this like thing that popped in my head today. When I was in high school if you went out in your underwear they’d tell you your bride price would reduce.
I had follow up questions. First who is counting the discounts, second how much reduced per every nigga that sees me in my cyclax and third what is the rank at which my bride price is? So I know that per man I’m fucking in my adult life this is the amount leaving my account with each fuck and frankly many other questions.
I see a lot of girls struggle seriously with sex because even if you’re ready you still have this whole shame that has been nailed into your psyche from the minute you were born till now. There is no man I assure you that feels it.
So much so that you can be ready physically but you actually have to tell your vagina a lot that it’s okay that you’re fucking because keeping yourself together for a far fetched husband in the near to far future is just crazy.
I think it’s shamed because frankly if you’re that free no one wants that. It means you have knowledge and knowledge is power. It means you cannot be manipulated on the basis of the body you own.
I feel the type of person I am is very crass. I talk very freely about sex and I’ve passed the stage where the conversation makes me uncomfortable. But I remember when I first started having sex and I know it took me a couple of months to achieve actual penetration. It was quite frustrating and after I had to deal with this grappling feeling of whoreness because I wasn’t someone who was tied to a man.
I think my advice would be to touch yourself. No one knows your body like you so touch it. It can feel awkward at first but it’s you. Only you can love you first. I think all of this is a bid to make us hate who we are because that hate keeps you down more.
S.O
I always saw sex as something over rated because of the guys I have been with all my life until I met my baby boy June last year 😄❤️
I lost my virginity to him and I couldn’t be more happier ooo. We talked through the pain, blood and the entire process was seamless because he made it so. I had a bit of vaginismus too but we tried different methods and it worked for us.
Now, I enjoy sex so much and we talk about how we want it to be a day before we see each other 🙈🙈.
I don’t even feel ashamed talking about sex anymore because one guy decided to be intentional about the whole process.
Miwa
This reminds me of a Kdrama edit I saw last week. Basically saying that women are not supposed to enjoy sex and its purpose is procreation. So the idea is that women, at least the “respectable ones” are never supposed to enjoy sex, and pleasurable sex is reserved to “loose women and prostitutes”, (I read it somewhere a long while ago).
I’m not very sure how much that narrative is being perpetrated right now, but I do know that it’s not a narrative that started now and so even if young women do not hear from men, they might hear it from elderly women. And so, their sexual experiences are considered shameful, something to keep quiet about and not being vocal about what brings them pleasure, so they’ll not be considered slutty.
Regarding being shamed, I’m not sure if this counts, but my late father’s friend once told me in a very vulgar and crude manner that he heard I’ve been allowing men to sleep with me (do mi).
That I’m allowing them use me for their pleasure and that fuck that I’ll be fucked I’ll get tired of it. (I had an extra semester and he was a professor in my uni.) Ladies and sisters, I’ve never slept with anyone in my life. I didn’t say anything though, I was already embarrassed about the extra semester.
Learning your body helps. I think this is where body exploration and masturbation comes in. If you can bring yourself to orgasm, especially in front of a mirror, you’ll actually not feel so much shame anymore.
Speaking openly about what you like, letting the other person know how you like to be touched. Setting boundaries too, like what the limits are with another person. Setting boundaries has helped me a whole lot with being comfortable with men seeing my body.
Ebele
I used to write sex-related tweets in Engli-Igbo. 90% of the comments always came from the guys.
When I raised the issue of women being silent about sexual issues, some women opened up that they were scared of what society will say, the labels. Even their significant others see them as whores when they are open about sex.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.