The honest truth is that most women come into an understanding of the patriarchy first through witnessing the lives of their mothers.
From observing her marriage and dating choices to receiving lessons about a prospective husband, feminism is taught directly and indirectly through the mother or mother figure.
The mother also teaches feminism not only via negative decisions but also via positive ones like standing up to in-laws who expect her to be subservient. All of these impact on the psyche of her daughters who are watching.
In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share the good and bad actions of their mother that inspired and influenced their feminism.
Read their responses below.
Anietem
From when I was about 10 years old, I thought my mother was a patient person and I vowed to fight that trait, incase I had any traces of it in me.
Anytime I found myself becoming complacent with a situation, I would give myself a strong talking to and try to shake myself out of it. Of course I was still being socialized to behave a certain way so this fight with myself was toughhhhhh.
I hated her patience but I didn’t really have any examples around me on how to NOT be patient. In my mind, it was her patience that kept us with her abusive husband for those 10 horrible years, and even when I saw her patience yield good results in things like making money, I still hated it.
Then when she left him and she told me more stories of herself as a younger woman, I realised she was also socialized to be “patient with men”, because she wasn’t like that as a young woman. But over time, she kinda changed because everyone told her she was too “brash”, “hot headed”, “needed to calm down”, and all the many other things they tell women to keep/make them subservient.
It seems like such a small thing, but I’ve realized being patient with men is such a bloody waste of time. Why am I giving you more than one chance? Why am I making excuses for you when you mess up?
I don’t care who it is/who they are to me. You have only quarter of a chance.
And even apart from dealing with men, I’ve applied this lack of patience thing to other parts of my life. A job is not fulfilling? I leave. A relationship with family & friends wants to stress me out? Bye bye.
I like to call myself a proffesional leaver these days. I will leave.
*I do not want to have patience for things that do not serve me*
I’d rather be patient in my business and keep doing what needs to be done even when I’m not seeing results, because I know I’m sowing a seed to make more money.
I’d rather be patient with my goals to be disgustingly educated.
I’d rather be patient with my investments and let the tiny drops increase my portfolio over time.
But any other thing that requires me to be “patient” when it comes to other people? I no really get time like that. Especially when dealing with men as a collective.
And this has helped my feminism progress faster than I thought it would. It makes me quick to advocate for myself and other women, in different areas of life.
It’s a muscle I’ve had to build over time and am still building (apparently there’s still so much work to be done😭), but it’s worth it.
I’m a happy “hot headed woman”and I’m happy to see my mother return to her original “hot headed” state.
It’s a refreshing thing to see.
EC
My mom has been a single mother of five children since my dad passed in 2005.
I was three at the time, so a single-parent household is all I’ve known my entire life.
It wasn’t easy in the least, but we survived.
She and I don’t always see eye to eye, but because of her, I know that it’s possible to do life alone.
It may not be easy, or fun all the time, but I find that I’m basically incapable of staying in a dysfunctional relationship(no matter how the love is doing me) because the notion of being single has never/will never be scary to me.
It’s a tiny thing but it really is the spine of my feminism. I enjoy it so much when people meet me and I can tell that they expect me to jump hoops and tie myself into knots just so I’ll be appealing to a man. The disappointment is always so delicious.
KAH
I think my mom being a single mom. How she handled herself as a woman even in our family. She was the first child of my grandmother. And for a woman she was the protector…she protected our family.
Nobody dared to cross her. Even men feared her. She wasn’t scared of throwing a punch where necessary even with men.
She was seen as a rebel. She didn’t fit the societal stereotype of what a woman should be. Especially for her time and era where feminism was not spoken about but she was a feminist, she didn’t say the words but her actions provoked it in so many ways.
From smoking to drinking, doing things that society wouldn’t consider lady like if they get judged for. She was never one to shy away or be shamed.
The way she carried herself, in our family, in her business among people.
Even among men lol my mom was an interesting character. She didn’t like seeing injustice done to any woman. She was ready to go to the ends of the earth to get justice for them. I remembered one case she took up, one of her friends was physically assaulted, the lady’s lip beaten off by her neighbor who she was in an argument with. My mom was so furious and she sort out legal actions for her.
It’s a lot of stories about her though.
But yeah. It didn’t dawn on me then, but now I know what she represented and what she fought for. And I am so proud of her even in death.
QN
Hello.
Thank you for the avenue to say this. I watched my mum go through 3 husbands (once a man was no longer good to her she moved on). She was a stubborn fighter and so resilient when I was growing up (I watched her fight men, run businesses, could split firewood, repaired our roof herself etc).
The amazing thing is that she learnt it from her mother; my grandmother who was also fierce. My grandmother left land for her kids upon her death.
So my first introduction to feminism was simply the doings of the two women around me growing up in matrilineal Efik society.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.