Unlearning any aspect of patriarchal conditioning requires almost a lifetime of constant questioning.
However, unlearning sexual purity is one that requires an intentionality that may not apply in other areas. This is because the shaming of women’s sexuality is almost central to the structural importance of men’s supposed authority.
But unlearning it is necessary and crucial to women reclaiming their voice, agency and power.
In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share how they unlearned sexual purity doctrines.
Read their responses below.
DH
I was actually talking about this with my friends today.
I think the problem begins with the way many of us, especially as Nigerians, are taught to see sex as something morally wrong, something shameful, something to whisper about and only within the sacred context of marriage. Whether it comes from religion, social conditioning, or both, the result is often the same; people grow up disconnected from their own sexuality and are afraid of it.
Growing up, I started questioning that thinking. If sex is inherently wrong, why are desire and arousal such natural human experiences? Why would “God” put the ability to be aroused inside of me if it was meant to exist only in shame?
Over time, I began to unlearn purity culture by accepting that sex is normal. It’s a natural part of being human. Sometimes it’s emotional, sometimes it’s physical, sometimes it’s an expression of love and intimacy, but it doesn’t have to carry this overwhelming moral weight we’ve attached to it.
I think purity culture has especially affected women deeply. Many women are taught to fear their own bodies so intensely that even pleasure feels taboo.
Sex is not mythical swapping of souls or entities.
In some cases, I think that shame and fear can manifest psychologically and physically, affecting how women experience intimacy altogether.
For me, sexual liberation was about removing shame. It was about understanding that my worth as a woman is not determined by sexual “purity”. I think more women deserve the freedom to experience their sexuality without fear, guilt, or the sense that desire makes them lesser.
HC
The point I realised my body is being punished for a crime it did not commit. For the longest time I had sex from a place of doing and not wanting.
I had it for every reason except enjoying it, truth be told I am not sure I knew penetrative sex was to be enjoyed and it didn’t help that I had engaged in it with men who were selfish.
Self pleasure led me into the world of orgasms and there was no turning back. I started to remind myself that my body is my own and I get decided how to use it, what it should feel, who it should feel it with leading to a sense of sexual liberation.
Yet, in heterosexual relationships, sex still remains very political and doesn’t fully allow for me to get on with “fuck it away mindset” while I respect those who say “fuck the man, you are doing it for yourself”. I also don’t want to share my body with a man who thinks sex is something he is doing to me (it’s always awful anyways).
And how many men do we have that are free of this mindset? So you see, one is unlearning purity culture, the other is being in a society that is so deeply rooted in this culture that the language of sex with women is so dehumanising “pipe, drill…”.
I am free from sexual purity but yet sexual purity has not freed me in this society.
JD
Well frankly I knew that I wanted my first time to not be special.
In that I had realized at the time how disappointing men can be so I decided to have sex with a friend because I didn’t want to like someone too much to not be honest with them.
I was one of those girls that took the sacred oath to remain faithful till marriage. I often looked on to those other babes who left the chapel without taking the oath as whores.
The boys’ pews were often very scanty. I’m guessing their commitment wasn’t as important as ours.
I’m guessing that’s kind of the point of the oath. Being on the island really helped me understand how much we put on to sex.
Literally pushing P over endorphins.
I think sexual purity makes girls unlikely to seek their own pleasure when having sex.
You literally think wayyyy too much about the eminent erection digging into you as opposed to the heat you’re supposed to be feeling because you desire them truly and want said erection inside of you.
Purity culture is the cause of this.
Sex education is important because it doesn’t only teach safe sex it teaches us all how to respect our bodies equally and the exchange of said bodies should not be some weird bearing on who you are.
Again it’s just endorphins and most babes don’t even get there or would know what that is like because they haven’t known what sex is for themselves.
Essentially the way out of purity culture is to reach girls to touch themselves more and not wait for a man to show them what their bodies can do.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.