In pop culture and conversations about growth, turning 20 remains a hallmark age. The twenties are often framed as the decade to make foundational changes crucial to how the rest of one’s life goes.
For women, there is added pressure to start auditioning for marriage and this comes with its own heartache.
But what if we could advise our 20 year old selves and speak peace upon the parts of us that felt aimless or in need of guidance at age 20?
In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share what they will advise their 20 year old selves.
Read their responses below.
YA
I’ll hug her tightly first of all.
I’ll tell her to be bold and brave. I’ll tell her to not be afraid to speak up for herself. I’ll tell her she’s not a failure.
I’ll tell her that clarity will eventually set in, and she should always take deep breaths when she feels overwhelmed and overstimulated.
I’ll tell her it’s okay to not be liked by everyone, and not be like everyone else.
I’ll tell her to believe in herself more, forgive herself even more, and take care of herself…
SM
Take the Coursera and Udacity certifications while they are free.
Apply to internships ASAP. Fail very early so you can rise out of it.
Get used to embarrassment as a newbie learning new things (like get used to it really fast, so that you can actually get over it and learn). Squeeze that boy of everything, you’ll actually need his insights later. Let him put you on.
Nobody is actually looking and making fun of you, they don’t really care like that.
At the same time, allow people in. Your friends are actually allowed to see you at your lowest. They’ll catch you, I promise.
Date, kiss people, lmao, I bet your father was joking when he said wait till you graduate before dating. You really don’t have to do that literally. Girl, kiss that boy and more, oh and use protection. 👍🏾
Attend parties too. You should actually go out. Stop declining invitations 😭😭. Girl, leave your room!
Be vocal about your feminist politics too, lmao. It’s nothing to feel weird about, you’d find that the girlies actually see you.
That relationship you built with your sisters? That’s your best currency fr. Your sisters are your best friend. Very smart of you.
Oh, and I’m actually proud of you all the time. Multiple extra years or not.
NE
I’ll tell her not to love an industry man until she monied on her own. I’d ask her to fight for freedom now because it gets harder to fight as you get older.
I’d ask her to go out more.
Your parents don’t care if you live with a man. Dare them NOW.
That her ADHD brain registers failure and embarrassment faster as she grows older so she should fail early so she can win fast.
Again, leave industry men.
Alone (move wisely.)
MO
My advice to my 20 year old self:
Dearest M, where do I begin? Firstly since you’re me and 20 was much darker than the present so I’ll start with humor. You need it more than me 😩😮💨😅😪
1. M, 20 seems like a distant memory and I’m so grateful but I want you to know, it’ll get better. Not instantly, I mean I’m not there yet- but it’ll get better!
2. You have such an innocent heart and I understand you’ll need to learn some karmic lessons that’ll help you grow – but selfishly I’ll advise you to protect your heart.
3. I’ll advice you learn some skills: get into content creation earlier and learn tech skill.
4. Honestly love, I know you were doing everything you possibly could and I commend you for everything; navigating, learning and doing-life for the first time 🤍 But I’ll advice you to try harder, commit yourself!
5. Take risks. It’s so worth it. Take risks earlier than we later did.
6. I understand that weeds can take over a garden, but I trust harmattan will wilt them all and that’s your chance to sprout magnificently 💕
7. It’s never late.
8. Give yourself grace and please extend that grace to others.
9. Dont sit on your ideas darling.
10. I’ll advice you to get into uni earlier but I mean, you aced your Waec & Jamb, it’s the educational system that’s rotten 😩
11. Babe you’re already disciplined and prudent with your finances but that’s all survival. So, darling, learn a skill that’ll enable you live life!
12. Focus on the goal and I trust you’ll find your people 🥰
13. Like we always think, family is a trial 😪 and it’s hard! I won’t tell you to absorb all the rubbish in that family but I’ll advise you become financially independent so that you’ll leave that place after uni. Distance will give the freedom, space and relief.
14. Love yourself everyday, choose yourself everyday 🫶🏾
15. Lastly, stay steadfast in faith, God has been our pillar through out!!!
AN
I’d tell her to maintain her strictness with men and not be lenient towards anyone for any reason.
SE
– Omo, do wetin dey your mind kpa!
Your intuition is your guide, the outcome—pleasant or unpleasant, must not be regretted. Take the time to feel and savour, moments don’t come the same twice.
– Men na water, there will always be someone else, a different experience. Savour them as they come.
– When it comes to letting people go, don’t hold on especially when they do not wish to stay, don’t beg them to stay.
– Disrespect for your time is disrespect for you.
– Asking thrice is akin to begging, is what you’re begging for really worth it?
– Do you really want children? Think about this truly.
– Girl, that boy is not your husband. Why do you keep thinking everyone is a potential husband anyway?
– ”If they wanted to, they would” is relative.
– Get real on your why’s for everything. You don’t do well when you’re not grounded in why you’re doing it.
– You don’t have to arrive anywhere to be chosen.
– Surely, with hardship comes ease. This too shall pass.
CK
Good girl no dey pay.
Human relationships are transactional. Satisfy your conscience and keep it moving.
Money and connections are your shields.
Annnd…to not emotionally invest in men if they don’t show initiative. At age 20, innocent me fell for a guy who left me for his ex. My first ‘dating’ experience was a situationship that left me wailing for a week. I literally asked God, ‘Please take this pain from me. I can’t bear it anymore.’
For months after it ended, I talked to myself randomly and would blurt out his name without knowing. I had to leave the state to heal.
My Mum was scared I’d developed a mental illness.
SF
I would advise her to stop trying to change people in an environment where she could just work on leaving.
To stop asking for better treatments from family because she thinks they’ll just listen and do better but instead, to leave.
Took me long enough but here we are now. I’ve come to terms with it.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.