Growing up, I looked forward to going to my uncle’s house in Yaba. I also looked forward to receiving new clothes that were bought from Yaba Market.
I however did not look forward to the catcalling and touching of women that is still prevalent in most Nigerian markets including Yaba. Matter of fact, I no longer go to Yaba market because the last time I was there, a group of men surrounded me and were trying to touch me.
Now, in discussions about harassment that occurs whether in the office, street or even in spaces like the hospital and church, one accusation sometimes levelled at women is that the harassment doesn’t count as such because the women were actually “smiling” and “laughing along”.
This follows the same pattern of shaming women and those who have been raped for actually enjoying it because they had an involuntary orgasm or didn’t “fight back”.
Sometimes, women play along with harassers in hopes that the harassment quickly ends and in hopes that they find an avenue to quickly escape without being harmed. That is why in the office for instance, a woman who has a male boss who continually solicits sex and a relationship from her, may smile with him even though she deeply resents his presence and just wants to be left alone.
It is not because she wants more of his nonsense that makes her smile and laugh with him. It is in fact the opposite. By flattering his ego, she believes that he may turn down his advances.
It is not only women who play along when being harassed by those who have a higher power dynamic.
Sometimes, when men are harassed by the police in Nigeria, they may laugh and attempt to slide money to the officer in hopes of being left alone. It doesn’t mean that they agree with being abused or are “asking for more”. It is simply a quick fix to being left alone for a while.
For women, playing along and smiling at harassers is no guarantee that you’ll be left alone. Sometimes, it does the exact opposite. It may embolden the harasser to think he has the right to cause her more pain. But still, the shame should not be on the woman to bear for trying all she can to evade harassment. This is especially seeing as when it comes to men and sexism there are hardly wins. It’s a damned if you, damned if you don’t situation.
To further understand why women sometimes smile and play along with harassers, I spoke to a few women.
Speaking with Ezioma, a book blogger and writer, she explained that sometimes the reason why women play along in the face of harassment could be due to fear as mentioned earlier. She also went on to say that that fear could be one of encountering physical violence at the hands of the harasser.
For Precious, a content creator and strategist, she affirmed the words of Ezioma when she said that sometimes women smile and play along to “avoid trouble”.
In her words: “Women play along to avoid “trouble”. It’s disgusting when someone stops you on the street, you reject them and keep stalking and walking behind you, begging for your number.
To avoid any further harassment, we just tend to smile and play along so they back off.”
She went on to say: “Another reason is the fear of being laughed at or called names. This happens a lot when you tend to walk past a group of “bad guys”. The moment one of them calls out to you and stops you, you sometimes just have to play along to avoid any trouble, especially on dark and lonely roads.
It’s hard when you have a thick butt or you’re busty, you get scared to walk alone, wear short clothes or walk past even teenage boys.”
In a deeply sexist world, women do things to survive and get by.
That women play along or smile at harassers shouldn’t be viewed as women enjoying the harassment or asking for more.
It should instead be a call to action to create a world where women will not do things they are uncomfortable with just to avoid trouble which may still come.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
