Although I have become a lot more critical about the Bible’s portrayal of women, I have to admit that the adult in me continues to draw strength from the actions of some of the poorly interpreted, often unheard of and “bad” women in the Bible.
Women like Jael who let me know that sometimes violence is necessary in protecting my boundaries. Women like Eve who represent a love for knowledge.
Women like Delilah who teach me to keep my head focused when an enemy needs to be brought down. Women like Sheerah who let me know that fields like engineering were not alien to women even in Biblical times.
Women like Orpah too. Women like her let me know that even if my method of starting over may not be as praised or celebrated by patriarchal men like other women, I have a right to decide to start over in a manner that centers me.
For those who do not know the story of Orpah, she left Naomi, her mother-in-law, after her husband’s death to go back to her own people. Unlike Ruth, the wife of her husband’s brother who proclaimed to Naomi that “your people will be my people and your God my god”, Orpah chose to go back to being an unmarried woman in a time when being married and under the protection of a man was the key to survival.
Uncharacteristically, no one hears anything about Orpah’s experiences in the Bible after she decides to make the choice to leave her family in-law and start life elsewhere.
Growing up, I often heard pastors shame Orpah as a disloyal woman and praise Ruth as the epitome of loyalty. Because of course, loyalty in women is determined by how much we stick with family members even if the outcomes may not be favourable to us. Even if we may experience heart wrenching discomfort and even the possibility of disrespect.
In retrospect, Orpah represents to me the very valid need to teach women and girls to not be afraid of starting over.
There are so many women who stay in loveless and even abusive relationships because not only are they scared of what people will say, they are genuinely at a loss of how to be alone after being with someone for close to fifteen years. There are women who due to a fear of rebuilding new friendships are accommodating friends who don’t appreciate their efforts and who see them as doormats.
Even in the area of jobs and personal growth, there are women who know they are being underpaid and undervalued. They know they deserve better and want to pursue their dreams in other sectors. Still, the fear of rebuilding holds them back and keeps them rationalising even workplace verbal abuse.
To these women I shall ask this: “On your deathbed, do you want to regret not living your life how your heart truly desired?”.
If more women learned to let go of situations that do not serve us, how many of us will stay with men who have the audacity to tell us not to work? If much of society knows that women are not afraid of being single, would there be gains in the talents of women that are often lost on the altar of looking like a “good and not so educated homely” wife?
What are those parts of ourselves as women that we reduce because we are afraid that to show them would mean a reduction of our chances of finding a mate in a volatile dating pool?
To further understand this topic, I asked a few women to share their thoughts and personal stories with me.
Below are their responses.
Jennifer
One of the worst things that can hold you back as a woman is fear of abandonment and starting over. It will make you latch on to men that add zero value to your life, jobs that are sucking you dry and situations that destroy you.
I think the main reason women fear starting over is the judgement that follows and the uncertainty of what is to come.
You don’t know what will happen if you leave that happen. Just look at how society judges divorced women, so unfair.
My advice to any woman struggling with any form of abandonment is to please have courage and there will always be better. Even if you don’t find better, you will find yourself and your happiness.
I used to struggle with fear of abandonment so much and when I started therapy, my therapist told me that “we let go because we love”. Whenever you feel sad to start over in anything, remind yourself that you love yourself and you have to do what’s best for you.
Jojo
I think it’s important to abandon those relationships or jobs or careers because one of the nicest ways of describing a black woman is their ability to accept long suffering and be quiet about it.
Especially because the same expectation isn’t given for white women. Even our skin is associated with long suffering as per it’s harder so therefore it has more resistance and that’s absolute bollocks for real.
The truth is you’re an adult and one of the ways of being adult is to decide you don’t like something and how negatively it affects you and be comfortable enough with yourself to start over.
I think it’s important mostly for the safety of the woman. Because staying stagnant in a situation just because of the years you’ve put in even though you absolutely hate it is doing yourself and yourself harm alone. There’s so much more that could happen but because you’re holding so tightly to something that’s more than likely dead you don’t have space to even receive it.
I think I’ve benefited from leaving a situation I was long overdue and not supposed to stay in. I had better opportunities and I learned more and accepted myself better than when I was there and I was already suffering a lot.
It’s truly not an easy decision to make to leave something you’ve surrounded yourself with. But think of how much you’re cheating yourself by staying somewhere that is truly draining you. Somewhere that you completely hate just because of how long you’ve stayed because of what you’ve invested that isn’t even giving you what you want.
Tess
I think leaving negative situations is hard for women because we fear being judged. For a job, people will ask: “How hard was it anyway?”. For friendship, people will ask: “Oh if people left that easily, do you think there will be friends around the world?”.
For relationships, people will ask: “After all he has done?”.
Women don’t put themselves first. They ignore how they feel and put others first and I think that’s why it’s hard.
Some stay in a job because of the salary. Some stay in a friendship, so they won’t be alone.
For relationships, maybe just maybe the biological clock may be a reason they stay.
It’s hard to be judged and leave behind what could have been and the hope of it being better too.
~
The reality is that there would always be situations that require us to pick between our wellbeing and being on the receiving end of disrespect.
It is therefore in every woman’s best interest, to develop the ability to heal and rebuild away from anything that tries to come in the way of her progress and peace of mind.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.