Why Do Pastors Make Decisions In The Lives of Women?

One of my favourite novels by an African woman is definitely Daughter In Exile which was written by Bisi Adjapon, a Nigerian-Ghanaian writer and women’s advocate.

It is a novel that follows the life of a Ghanaian woman called Lola as she experienced the harsh reality of being a single mum and immigrant in the United States.

Without giving too many spoilers, the novel explored what happens when religious communities give help to women on one hand and try to control our lived realities using the other hand.

For one, when Lola got pregnant for her daughter, she was essentially pressured by the church she belonged to to give up her daughter for adoption. They did this because they thought that she was not fit to take care of two children. Thankfully, she got her daughter back from the people she gave her up to.

Now, Lola’s story focused more on how the church as a whole pressured her and made decisions for her. Her story may also be based in the United States.

However, in several African countries and in Nigeria especially, it is not uncommon for pastors to make decisions that are crucial to the safety and lives of women and girls.

For example, a pastor can tell a parent not to send their daughter to school abroad because he saw a “vision” that she will leave Christianity if she is exposed to the “white man’s culture”. 

A pastor who is a known wife beater can be called in to resolve marital problems and he may go on to advise the husband to “discipline” his wife because after all, the Bible says that the man is above the woman in marriage. 

What is interesting is the manner in which these pastors pick and choose what applies to them in the Bible. If these pastors who preach that women should submit are told that slaves should submit, they would argue that it was the culture then for slaves to submit. 

This is because they are aware that as Black men, the injunction in Colossians for slaves to be submissive to their masters is something that places them at a deep disadvantage in race relations. This is because they are aware that racism is a man made invention and not a God made one. 

Furthermore, this is because they know that no matter how much they preach that all parts of the Bible must not be questioned, they know that the parts of the Bible that sanction injustice towards them must be thrown away in the process of cultural and spiritual evolution.

In the lives of women and girls, pastors are given the power of life and death in most Nigerian communities and why is that?

Why does no one question how insane it is that instances of child sexual abuse in the family are reported to pastors who discourage the mother of the family from arresting her husband’s brother?

Why is it that pastors can be seen as marriage counsellors to the point that they may end up bullying the unmarried women in their congregation and knowingly setting them up with men who have health issues like low sperm count? Such that they look on even as they know why the woman is running from pillar to post and wondering why she is not getting pregnant?

Why is there not adequate outrage over how pastors can tell husbands to ensure their pregnant wives ignore the doctor’s warnings over giving birth vaginally? 

To the extent that when these women die in labour, these pastors will still marry other women for these men in less than three months from the death (read: murder) of the first wife? Knowing fully well that they will subject the new woman to the same ordeal?

To further understand this topic, I spoke to a few women. Here are their responses.

M

Hi Angel.

Mine is still quite fresh and painful.

My cousin died in childbirth with one of her twin babies in what could have been totally avoidable.

Her doctor had booked her CS on her EDD but her husband and his pastor refused. They carried her from one place to the other until she was almost dead, then they started calling medical professionals they knew (my mum is a midwife).

She finally died with the other baby who was in breech.

She was my best friend, but after she married, she disappeared. We later heard he used to abuse her too and her brother and mother knew but didn’t tell the rest of the family. She did not have to die. 

She was just 31.

Husseina*

One of my aunt’s attended Deeper Life and she broke her leg.

She refused to go to the hospital because the pastor told her that the leg would heal itself if her faith is genuine.

Long story short, she walks with a terrible limp. Things got complicated quickly and the family forcefully got her to seek proper medical care.

Her daughter denounced the church afterwards.

D

So I got married and relocated to PH to join my husband. He introduced me to his pastor.

My husband lost his business even before we got married but he just didn’t believe it had really happened until after two months; his business partner kicked him out because she owns the land where they run a school.

Things became so tough for us. Had to take up a teaching job, something I hate just to help with the whole situation. After some years, my husband said he wants to return back home, things were really not working for us in PH. I was angry.

I told him I don’t want to go back to Warri. I got a job immediately after we got married but he didn’t allow me to go. I’m used to PH now so I don’t want to go to Warri again. He left me and our daughter in PH and went to Warri.

In between, I took over from him as the MD of the church we attended. That’s the pastor he introduced me to at the beginning. So when my hubby left I became MD. Mumu me was happy.

Family asked me to come back to Warri but I still didn’t agree. So my PASTOR called me and told me he would rent a smaller apartment for me. I shouldn’t follow my husband.

In fact he was going to pray that my husband doesn’t  see money to rent another house in Warri so he would be frustrated and come back to PH.

One day, his wife asked about my plans with my husband. I told her what her husband said.

She gave me a brain resetting advice. She told me if she was in my shoes, she wouldn’t listen to her pastor’s advice because the pastor is with his wife. She said I should follow my husband since I wasn’t really doing any serious job and just maybe, things can actually become better in Warri.

To cut the long story short, I was the one that even looked for the balance of the money to get a house in Warri and sent to my husband to complete the money he had with him. We were set to relocate. With the level we were in the church, everyone expected the pastor would announce it in church and give us a proper farewell service but this man didn’t.

When we went to him personally to tell him we were leaving the following week, he said no problem. As we were leaving he called me back and told me this: “I would have also prayed to stop money from entering your hand so you won’t have been able to assist your husband”.

Omoh…I was shocked. Like this man wants to separate my husband and I? A lot happened after then sha.

Love

This is the norm everyday and no it’s not because these pastors don’t know any better, especially when a woman is the victim, they seem to lose sense of proper reasoning. And a lot of them are evil clothed in cloaks and suits, you can’t even imagine.

They will cover up a man who beat his wife to death because he is a leader but rat out a woman who commits abortion for her underaged daughter. Guess what the daughter was raped by leader, leader was “disciplined” by giving him suspension. 

Pastors are just misogynistic people. They are men, being pastors doesn’t exempt them from exhibiting their hatred for women.

My very close friend is stuck in an abusive marriage, everytime she goes to report to him, he will scold her, preach submissiveness, then tell the man “you know how women are now, you have to just be patient with them, bla bla bla”

She got tired and stopped going to report to him, now she is just enduring the thing because she don tire to fight.

Blessing

My stepmom did not study law because her pastor said lawyers are liars and cannot be good Christians.

I curse that idiot everyday. Personally, I don’t really know how to get Nigerians to stop seeing pastors as gods on earth. I’m glad I’m kuku irreligious.

I know my stepmom would have made it big in law, I swear she speaks so well. Again it won’t be well with that man.

Idayat

Because pastors aren’t professionals in anything except speaking, most times.

A lot of women rely on their pastors for everything because they assume these pastors have all the solutions, but they are only human too that can make mistakes.

And these pastors are in positions to take advantage of their congregation too. I read a story recently about how a girl died because the parents refused to give her insulin because they were following the pastor’s instructions to pray. 

I see women with PhDs and big range rover cars visiting pastors who barely had school certificates. 

These men are 100% going to stunt them. How dare they have a PhD? The misogyny of a poor man is somehow more cruel.

My solution is for women to know these pastors are human and they are not necessarily smarter than them just because they head a church. They shouldn’t allow their “pasteys” make their decisions. Counsel maybe. But never decisions.

~

To conclude, I will say that in solving inequality as it pertains to women, we must be intentional about questioning any part of society that sees women’s safety at stake.

Pastors must never ever be seen as unquestionable to the point where women literally lose lives due to their bad guidance or bad advice.

It is only by touching the anointed and touching their bad actions irreverently that we would be able to see a change in the lives of women and girls.

*Name changed to protect identity