The relationship between a mother and her daughter is often an area rich in explanations regarding a woman’s behaviour.
The more you know about your mother’s life before she had you and the more feminist leaning your mother’s parenting is, the better your chances are at navigating the sexist hurdles life will throw at you.
However, even the best of feminist mothers may unintentionally skip teaching their daughters certain lessons crucial to defining their sense of pride as women.
In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share some lessons they never learnt from their mums which they shall be teaching their daughters.
Read their responses below.
Kevwe
1. That body parts are not inherently shameful. Because, as women especially, we should know more about our bodies so we can recognise if things aren’t going well. I didn’t even know you don’t pee through your vagina before school/women on the internet taught me/personal study. It also helps eradicate rape culture in a way. You can’t report what you cannot name.
2. That marriage is not the be-all. It’s amusing to me now, but my mother knows she cannot pressure me into dating anyone, let alone getting married. But the way this woman was on my case last weekend, someone else would’ve folded.
3. That a woman’s worth is not how much she can sacrifice herself to please others. I have seen my mother bend over backwards for people who wouldn’t budge an inch for her. I’m not doing that, and my children won’t do it as well. I matter, no matter what. I am not a sum of how domesticated I am. Good girl no dey pay o, hope you know that?
AJ
Three things I would be teaching my daughter are:
1. Audacity to go after what you want.
2. Money Management.
3. An anthem: I am enough.
YJ
1. Reinforce boundaries like it’s a second skin.
I am highly intelligent and on a very high level. It has affected my sexuality and interaction. My parents, particularly my mom, didn’t understand me. I don’t blame her but it always felt like I was a problem. My friends see me as too proud and they all pray or have given up on me finding a husband.
The thing is, for a while I dropped my standards and I learnt premium shege that shaped my whole life: I almost ran mad, I was burned out, I was unable to construct speeches, my spark died.
All because I dropped my boundaries for MAN. If I had focused on myself and not what peeps thought, it never would have happened.
2. Marriage is not the ultimate; build your career. A man should be an accessory to the career should he be interested in it.
I have forgotten about marriage at my “old age”. I am nearing 30 and I have never for once cared about people’s thoughts. How can I have kids without a career so my mother’s slavery will be generational. God forbid. I always wanted to have bastard money like men do.
I studied the science behind it and decided to do it my way even if it’ll take time.
Most women barely discover themselves, that’s why they’re stung when they see other unmarried women thriving or shining. No man is saving anyone.
Whenever a man flops in my life, I remind myself that I alone sponsored myself through uni, I rented places with my money, fed and clothed myself with my money
If I can bring myself up from such a well then I will get there. And all I can say is always put yourself first. If marriage doesn’t happen it isn’t a curse.
3. People pleasing is not you.
My mum people pleased that she was insulted and neglected. My grandma took advantage of that and messed with her. It was that bad. Never in my life.
I watched my mum’s act of kindness taken for nothing without putting herself first. When I talk about it, she says goodwill pays in the future. Ahhh, lack of boundaries isn’t rewarded. I want my daughter standing tall with her values that may not get her the best of friends or even a man. But I will always be her backbone for success if she burns out, crashes, or decides to be another individual entirely.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.