Being attracted to someone of the same sex anywhere in the world comes with its own pitfalls. State sanctioned violence. Inability to properly legalise your union. Inability to truly live with your partner openly and as a partner not a friend.
In Nigeria, those attracted to the same sex are not exempt from the violence often meted to anyone who strays away from the possibility of being married in a heterosexual setting.
How then do queer women in Nigeria cope with the expectations of marriage, children and religious ideals of what constitutes good love? How do queer women in Nigeria find their own joy and curate what happiness means for them?
Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some queer Nigerian women to answer the above.
Read their responses below.
PH
I occasionally face homophobia from my mum and brother at home. I didn’t come out to them at will; they found out in a dramatic way.
My mum has made it clear that she does not want me to have a girlfriend but that one is not my business. In the workplace, I just zone out whenever my colleagues start talking about homophobic stuff, and no, they do not know that I’m queer and they never will.
Hmmmm it is not necessary to come out, it’s not anyone’s business if you deem it so. However, if you want to come out, especially to your family, make sure you have secured an apartment of your own, and you are okay financially.
Just make sure you actively surround yourself with a lot of people who are of like minds as you. Do not keep extremely homophobic friends as it is detrimental to your mental health. I can assure you as I’m talking from experience. I’ve had to cut ties with people who constantly bullied me for my sexual orientation.
OD
Ahem!
I just have to say, as a queer woman, it is important to not let yourself be too deep in the internet bubble that you forget how fiercely homophobic Nigerians can be. I have made that mistake once. I came out to my friend because I thought her exposure would make her a little less parochial.
But she sent me a long breakup text citing fears of “indoctrination and distrusting my motive for being her friend” as reasons for wanting to end the friendship😂
So think very carefully before you open the doors of that closet. It almost isn’t ever worth it.
Gauging your family is so real because that’s how I knew not to even make innuendos about my sexuality to family members. My uncle’s oldest son is obviously gay, been living with his former uni “roommate” for over 20 years now and my mom is still praying and booking mass for a 53 year old, rich, good looking man to find a life partner because she doesn’t want to consider the possibility that he has a bent wrist😂
I should now come out to that kind of woman? Hehe.
As for finding joy, omo just love yourself chile. Self love is the best love innit? You’ll never share the same privileges with heteros and you just gotta accept that. There’s great comfort and protection in knowing your lane and staying in it ❤️
MB
Being a queer Nigerian woman has been a journey of both highs and lows. I struggled for a long time with accepting my identity, but about four or five years ago, I made the decision to start dating women openly and that’s when I truly began to embrace who I am.
Homophobia is all around us in Nigeria, and unfortunately, I come from a very homophobic family. Because of that, I don’t plan to come out to them. Personally, I think coming out is a choice that depends on your circumstances. If you’re financially independent and emotionally prepared for the potential fallout, then maybe it’s something to consider. But if your family still supports you and you’re not ready to lose that, I don’t think it’s worth the risk.
When it comes to the workplace, I don’t believe it’s necessary to disclose your sexuality at all. Just do your job and go home. I remember a colleague once introduced herself during a project session and casually mentioned that she’s bisexual, since everyone was asked to state their relationship status. After that, the gossip and judgment wouldn’t stop. It was disheartening. We work with international NGOs, supposedly progressive and open-minded, but the reactions showed just how deeply rooted homophobia still is even in spaces where you’d expect better. People completely overlooked how talented she was; all they could focus on was her sexuality. It was painful to witness.
I do wish I could express my sexuality more freely, date openly, make more queer friends and just exist without fear but that’s still a struggle here. I’m grateful though, for the small circle of friends who know and accept me. Their support means everything to me and to other queer women trying to find their footing in this country, I’d say: seek out your community, find your people even if it’s just a few and hold onto them. Create your own joy, however you can, and protect your peace.
FN
Facing homophobia online doesn’t and can never compare to experiencing it in real life. I’m a bisexual woman living in Nigeria. I won’t say I’ve come out of a closet or I’m in the closet, I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m attracted to women. I don’t think I need to go out of my way to say it because of the hate and vitriol I’d face from homophobic bastards. I have to deal with homophobia on a daily basis.
It’s mind boggling that people hate others because of their sexuality. I’ve been met with disgust, irritation and downright hate. It’s so unfair. Some women also see it as a need to fetishize me or use me to cross something off their bucket- baby we don’t do that here. I find it interesting (derogatory) that you would be repulsed by people sleeping with the same sex as if they borrowed your vagina/penis.
Mind the fucking business that pays you. Even in feminist spaces, I’ve seen/been met with vitriol from straight women and it has configured my brain on what true freedom means for queer women.
The rhetoric that lesbians or bisexual women are rapists is hateful and hurtful. I don’t recommend coming out to family members because they will most likely ostracize you and that rejection is not worth it, just keep calm especially if you are under their financial umbrella.
To find joy as a queer woman, you must be ruthless to the core and take extra care with your safety unfortunately. Don’t even come out to people especially religious people, it’s not worth it.
Even my friends make so many homophobic comments and I distanced myself from them. You should not accept crumbs from straight women that want to use you as a fetish for their men.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.