It is not unusual to wish that certain information had reached you before embarking on a journey. It could be the journey of migration to a different country, getting married or starting a new degree.
For women, the lack of proper and honest information around things like motherhood and marriage can impact their relationships with other people.
It is therefore important to get honest knowledge from those who are currently mothers or married women.
Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some mothers what they wish they knew before becoming mothers.
Read their responses below.
Zi
There’s nothing like: “My own or my thing” again. Oxygen, (personal space), food, voice, there’s no privacy too and that one is different from personal space. You’ll discover that there’s a difference between the two 😂.
The phases omgggg. Newborn phase is/seems hard but nobody told me about the toddler phase and toddler mood swings. I advice that we start therapy for toddlers, especially for babies entering the toddler phase. Motherhood can make you cray cray🙂. Children are cute🥹 But would I do it again after this man? No thank you 🤗.
Anietem
I’ve always heard that it takes a village to raise a child, and I don’t think I really understood what it meant until I had my own child. And it’s funny, because I was part of the village that raised my siblings and children of other family members. I didn’t fully grasp the importance of that village we were giving those mums I’d supported in the past.
And I’ll say this to anyone who cares to hear; If you don’t have a great village, or can’t afford to employ your village, don’t do this motherhood thing please. Wait till you can find/employ that village.
I always wonder how people like my cousin (who has 7 surviving kids and is just in her early forties btw) and a family friend’s mum who has 12, did it/are doing it.
My mum says it’s because they were groomed or prepared for it, but I don’t think that’s the only reason. No one is really prepared for this shit, no matter how hard they try.
I talk about that village because some women can carry one child and it seems like they’re totally loosing their minds (and I don’t mean carrying just in the womb, I mean everything involved in parenting). Whereas, there are women who carry 2,3,4,5,6… and they appear so strong, and seem to have their shit together all the time.
Because of this, when people say things like “How many children do you have that you’re doing like this sef. Look at Mama Precious that has 6 and she’s thriving”, I want to smack them on their head and remind them that it’s NOT the weight or size of the load that is a problem, but how it weighs on the person carrying it.
So, because Mama Precious seems to be doing well with 6 children should not be motivation for you to have 6 or even have a child at all.
I won’t say that lack of information per se impacted me. I was already very well aware of what it took to be a parent/mom. I was like my mother’s assistant, read all the same baby books she read while giving birth to my siblings, was actively involved in the care of my cousin’s and aunties children. In every family function back when we were kids, I was the designated nanny for the younger ones. The only thing I hadn’t done was enter the labour room. But it has been described to me very vividly. So I think I was pretty informed.
But what i didn’t realise until I had mine was how the weight shifts once YOU are the parent. Nothing was new, but at the same time everything was new. I was experiencing everything from a very different point of view, and it was pretty jarring. So without my own village this time, the postpartum depression came like a dream. I didn’t even realise it on time, that it was this thing I’d been reading about for years and seen in that our “mad” neighbour one time, that was happening to me.
As soon as I went back to my “village” though, it faded as fast as it had started.
So my major advice (that I’ve been singing since😂) is: If you don’t have access to a village, please don’t do it.
And when I say a village, this village has to be financially capable, emotionally intelligent, physically present, very aware of the major things it takes to be a parent, and psychologically sound please. In your village, if you have at least 1/2 people that’s each (or more than) these things, you’re going to have great backing.
Sure, motherhood will still kick your ass, but it’ll be bearable.
CA
I wish I knew that my body would never be mine ever again. Sometimes when Emma cries, my breasts let down milk. Funny it might not be Emma; it may be a random child crying in the background and my breasts are trying to help. Somehow you forget that you were an entire person before you became a mom and now your entire existence and achievement is summed up because you’re a mom.
I hate that people look at me and think oh she’s a mom. People forget your name and call you Mummy Emma, Mummy Jason, Mama Dami. You lose your entire identity.
The books don’t tell everything. You can always read and be prepared but children are chaotic and you can never be too prepared.
You should be forgiving to yourself. No one has it right. Ever. A glass of wine doesn’t hurt. Something stronger sha might help… a swig of vodka too. And honestly stay away from the internet. If you want honest parenting tips: watch Bluey. That show has saved me so many times. It’s okay not to be strong. It’s okay to cry.
I watched Desperate Housewives as a child and I thought they were exaggerating how mothers and wives always drink wine and spirits but now I can see why.
Small thing person don drink merlot to hold body.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.