These Women Share How They Healed From Sexual Assault

It is not out of touch to say that almost every woman has had an experience with sexual assault. 

From catcalling, workplace harassment to being groped on public transportation, practically every woman has a story of her bodily boundaries being violated.

However, how do women move from a place of pain to a place of thriving? 

Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some women to share how they moved on and overcame the trauma of sexual assault.

Read their responses below.

PA

I cannot say for a fact that I have healed.

But I know I no longer carry the shame and guilt that plagued me for the first few months after I was raped.

For me, therapy at WARIF definitely helped to get to the level I am now where I can have a healthy sexual life at least.

I’m hoping for the day I can function normally without the anxiety and insomnia that has become the order of my life since then.

If I could give a woman who has a story of rape any advice, it would be to forgive their self of the guilt and let go of shame. The shame belongs to your rapist, not you. 

And you truly start to reclaim your power when you let go of the shame of being a rape survivor.

MN

When I first saw this post, immediately, something in me wanted to run, to unlook, to ease my quickening heart and breath. Anything, just to distract myself from having to think about it just yet. But the truth is, I think about these things everyday anyway.

And I’m learning to face life, it’s very hard but I try more these days than I used to so I might as well answer and face those demons.

I don’t think you heal exactly, maybe learn to live with it, learn to live. But not heal. It’s a wound that’ll never close and anything can bring you back to that darkness.

I’ve known and experienced sexual abuse for the most part of my life, but I think the worst one was the one that came from my own father. That is still the hardest to get over, to not think about often. 

I used to feel ashamed a lot, lol, in fact, shame used to own me. It’s reduced now but oh Lord. Childhood was nasty and messed up. And I somehow blamed myself for what people did to me: why was I so big and developed so fast, why did I come back from school and go to that neighbour’s house we all call uncle, why didn’t I fight my father and out him when he first attempted it, why was I playing out late, etc.

But all these things happened before I was even 15,  why was I blaming myself??? Why does the victim get questioned more than the abuser? There are no excuses or reasons for why one should be abused, why was I making one and giving one to these people?The day I started asking myself these questions was  the point I slowly started to let go of the shame and blame I carried.

It’s been a long road but letting go of the blame and shame and forgiving myself has helped. I used to feel so ashamed to tell anyone that my father raped me. Even my mother blamed me at some point too. But I don’t feel that anymore, and anytime that voice tries to creep in, I silence it however I can.

It’s a very very long journey, a lot of days I don’t even believe I’ve started because I find myself back at square one. It sometimes feels like I can’t get a grip. But I’m trying. I’m starting to accept it’s not a destination but a process, as with a lot of things in life.

First off, I started by cutting all ties to the people who caused me pain. A lot of times it’s harder in the case of my father because I still get to hear about him because he sometimes still acts like a father when it comes to my sister and paying her fees. So one way or the other, his story comes on. But I’ve told them to limit it as much as possible. 

Secondly, therapy. I can’t afford that yet and most of the free ones I’ve been on don’t do much. I tend to talk more about the other things I suffer from. But I started self therapy last year. With books, audios, videos, specifically regarding the trauma that comes from these things. I’ll say that has greatly helped. A lot of days I do wake up hopeful, I try to live.

Speaking for myself, I can say the only way to move on is to really try. It is hard, but then, it is even harder and scarier staying in the darkness, I know that for sure. Some days I wake up hating existing, but deep down, I know I do want to live. I want to thrive. So, that is kind of what keeps me moving. The hope that I’ll one day get to the point I love the life I’m living.

Oh, and yeah, my mom tells me to forgive but to be truthful, I do not care for that. I just want to focus on making sure I’m healing everyday. He and everyone else who did me wrong are of no concern to me. As a survivor, you’re not obligated to forgive, I’ll even dare say you shouldn’t. Focus on living and thriving instead.

Chioma*

I’ve not moved on from being catcalled and I don’t think I ever will, because the worst part is the useless men try to touch or grab my hand. This sole act has left a horrible feeling. I can’t even dress well and walk on the road or use public transport or even if I do, the way I walk fast trying to avoid the problem is so stressful. This has made me not wear appealing fits and even if I do, my eyes work overtime. This also happens at events I’ve been to, but in this case instead of being catcalled, I’m met with sexual jokes or conversations. It’s so tiring.

On the issue of sexual assault, this happened when I was much younger. Someone that came to my father’s house at the time wanted to start it but was kicked out the house before his evil with me flourished. I was too stunned to speak when he touched my developing breasts at the time. I never told a soul too. I just buried it and I regret I didn’t speak up then.

The advice I have for women? 

Please find a support group. It’s best if you tell someone what happened. I didn’t do so in my case which wasn’t a good way of coping. Ease into your daily routine or make new ones. Immerse yourself in growth (find something you like to do).

Ella

So I’ve been sexually assaulted by my cousin, a neighbor, my first boyfriend, when I was shortly abducted, some group of boys in the neighborhood on a good Sunday evening while taking a walk…These times I remember vividly.

What I also remember clearly is the feeling of hopelessness, betrayal, helplessness and struggles I was faced with just trying to protect my dignity.

Each time I fought so hard. Now, the good news is that they never suceeded to actually do the do but each time I left that scene either naked or with a dress torn or feeling thoroughly violated.

How have I healed?

Would I say I’ve completely healed? I think to a large extent, but I still get triggered from time to time

For instance, I remember reading the book “The girl with the louding voice” recently and when it got to the scene where she was raped by her husband, I couldn’t pull through with the book, left it for weeks before going back to it.

However, I’d say time has really helped, being vocal about it too has helped, sharing my experience has helped; also I’ve met amazing men.

Tips to shield oneself from the memories.

Personally, asides being exposed to therapy I have consciously worked on my mind, spoken to myself countlessly to not allow my experiences shape me. This is because as much as I have met terrible men I have also met good men. Also I am a Christian so seeking the face of the Holy Spirit to help me in times when I might struggle is one of the surest tip I know.

Chiamaka*

I think society has conditioned women to hate their bodies

We are taught not to enjoy sex  and even periods are seen as disgusting…I mean I brought life to this world and people will say try and get your body in shape it’s disgusting.

So when rape happens women hate the body even more.

There’s something about rape and sexual assault that strips you of every form of dignity.

One time my mom said if I get raped it my fault.. I was just 17 livid.

If I was across anyone that has been raped? Honestly there’s nothing I can tell her to ease her guilt and shame, but I think what she needs is kindness. To be surrounded my kindness and love(and a murder weapon; I prefer cyanide or aconite).

I’ll tell her it was never her fault, men would rape anything even goats ffs.

Just on Thursday night I was sexually assaulted by someone I called my friend..I have scars on my tummy from where he was trying to pull my shorts down.

My words of encouragement to other women? “You aren’t spoiled, it wasn’t your fault, you did nothing wrong, it wasn’t the way you dressed,or the way you looked, not the way you sat or stood. It’s just men being monsters.”

D

For me, it took recognising the fact that the shame was never mine to bear. I’m also blessed with parents that did everything in their power to keep me safe. At a point in childhood, I was constantly getting sexually assaulted by a family member. I wasn’t wise enough to speak to my parents about it and I was also scared that I would be punished. My parents sought me out on several occasions to ask why I was avoiding that person and I would lock myself up whenever that person was around. 

They were gentle and accommodating and I was able to open up to them. The fact that I could go to them and be sure that they would believe me greatly helped me. I’ve been sexually assaulted/abused even when I was as little as four; rape is probably the only thing that hasn’t happened to me. And every time I went to my parents, they never took my words lightly.

They made me understand that I was not the problem, the evil men were. They made sure those men suffered the consequences of their evil. 

Hearing women talk about unlearning shame also helped me.

Another thing was conversion. I converted my feelings of helplessness, confusion and unwarranted guilt to anger. Red, hot anger and it helped me. My anger was justified. It helped me channel my feelings to where they were meant to be. 

While I’ve been advised to forgive (Christian parents), I’ve been under no obligation to and I don’t think I ever will. 

Giselle Pelicot’s case should remind every woman that the shame is never ours. It belongs to the evil men who abuse women.

*Name changed to protect identity.