It is undoubtedly true that all over the world, daughters face challenges within families. From denial of inheritance, lack of education and unfair domestic labour.
However, the first daughter in most African families tends to bear the responsibilities of being an unacknowledged mother.
That said, some first daughters daily strive to be daughters first and foremost and seek to rise above unfair family demands and family expectations.
Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some of these women to share some of those tips.
Read their responses below.
MA
Okay. I’m the first daughter of my mom (I have younger half siblings) and the expectations make it look like I was born and raised to labour for them.
My brother once took my money and my mom told me it’s my job to cater to them hence I shouldn’t say anything about the obvious “scam.” Every time there’s a call from home, I’m reminded that I’m the Ada and hence I should be long-suffering and sacrifice whatever I have for my younger ones even when they make reckless decisions (they’re adults mind you).
I discovered that they all have agreements to call me for money for the same thing but with different stories and yet nobody cares if I’ve food to eat or how I’m faring.
I moved away from home, and have strict rules in visitation (the same brother came and I’m waiting for when I travel home to have a talk with them on the nonsense I had to endure when he was around). Nobody at home knows how much I earn or I’ll be turned into the breadwinner and this is my way of reducing whatever entitlements they can have.
If you complain once, I’ll complain twice, matching it complaint for complaint. I’m expected to marry a man that’ll take care of my mom, isn’t that funny?? Shaa I’ve told her not to hold her breath, she needs to be alive for the other kids.
I feel guilty sometimes when I have to deny certain requests but I remind myself they’ll be fine without me and I have no one else but myself to fall back on and that gets my head straight.
My advice to anyone would be to try and leave home first. If you can’t yet, then grow a thick skin. A very thick one because you’d need it.
I’ve created a family in the state I moved to for myself. They were the ones that catered for me while I was hospitalised recently and my brother was in my house but never bothered to know which hospital I was at and my mom only worried about his feeding not my welfare in the hospital.
Leave home and get yourself a support group. That’s the best.
AA
One thing that always works is to have the audacity of a man. Whatever the men in your family have the audacity to do, do it without asking permission. Be very loud about the unfairness and sexism and call out the cognitive dissonance. It’s uncomfortable, but in the long run it’s why my family respects my decisions and my extended family do not approach me with nonsense.
My grand uncle gave land to my brothers but not me. So I told my father he will have to give me land from the family’s share himself so I can build a house. He laughed but I didn’t so he knew I was serious and he agreed.
When I got married it shifted to “your husband” but I made it clear the land is for me. If my husband wants land, he can buy it. I’m a bonafide member of the family and I don’t need a proxy to claim my rights.
So I’ll say, be bold about asking for what is given to men without them even asking. Ask and wear them down if they try to make it seem unreasonable.
JE
Uhm I don’t know if this would offer any insight into the research of the story but have you considered not a lot of first daughters actually have positive experiences with family.
I think first daughters don’t ever get to the point where they don’t handle the burdens and expectations. Like there is literally no one there to give it to if that makes any sense because you have no other choice.
You are whom and what everyone falls unto. I know we make a big fuss about first sons having to carry all the expectations of the family financially but that’s it really. He just has to make enough money to feed and put people in school.
He does not need to work out issues at home, or emotionally carry anything. But a first daughter is expected to financially cater to the needs of everyone plus that other stuff because she is the “mother”. Whether she has a mother alive or not.
At this very moment my father’s hospital is willed to his wife and first son who is younger than me and not studying medicine 😂.
I don’t know if that’s being passed unfairly but yeah that’s my experience.
PN
My family is very supportive and understanding. However, there are still expectations that I must live up to.
So while I obliged their needs, I draw boundaries when I’m badly in need of something and saving for it. At that point, although difficult, I shut my ears to their cries, calls, and wants. And the thing is, they end up being fine.
My elder brother was taught how to drive a car at the age of 18. When I got that age, I asked to be taught to, and my dad insisted age 20. I’m past that age, and yet nothing.
Also, I’m expected to keep on sacrificing, sacrificing, and sacrificing until I can no more. Sacrifice and use a cheap accommodation so your younger siblings can get the best. Study with ebooks so your siblings can use 10,000 textbooks. On and on.
My elder brother doesn’t sacrifice half as much as I do.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.