This question begs for an answer every single time a woman comes online to dismiss another woman’s feelings or experience or when a woman tries to be who she’s not just to be accepted by men.
It’s no news that the average African woman was brought up to ensure that she’s liked by men, to be agreeable, even when it’s uncomfortable. She has been taught subtly or loudly that survival often depends on her ability to be liked.
This has given rise to the high rate of the ‘Pick Me’ culture.
A term that once lived on the fringes of social media now describes a very real, very widespread experience. These are women who adopt beliefs that actively undermine other women because they’ve been conditioned to see male approval as the prize.
But what’s more alarming than the behaviour is what it reveals: many women are still battling for space in a system that was never built for them.
In societies where women are told they are nothing without a man, being chosen can feel like a lifeline. So, some women will do anything to secure it, even if it means turning their backs on other women or shrinking themselves to be accepted.
Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some women to share how they’ve experienced or observed Pick Me culture.
Chinenye reflects on this:
I remember saying things like, “I’m not like those other girls, I’m wife material,” and now anytime I think about it, I just laugh, because what was I even thinking? I was trying so hard to be the woman men say they want, even when it meant silencing parts of myself, which doesn’t even make sense.
I used to laugh at jokes made by guys berating women, while some women around me would call out those sexist jokes. The men labelled them as bitter and troublesome, and deep down, I was happy they found me ‘nice.’ I didn’t realise that shrinking myself for male validation wasn’t protection. But now I know better.
Laura had this to say:
Pick Me culture is survival for some women. In religious spaces, the submissive woman is ‘virtuous.’ In romantic settings, she’s ‘wife material.’ Women who demand more are labelled difficult. So some women shrink on purpose because it gets them acceptance.
Aisha says she sees it all the time:
There was this babe at my former workplace who was always quick to defend men and water down women’s experiences. I remember one time we were having a conversation about giving women the day off during their periods, and the men went the usual, “Is period pain that serious? Women are overreacting.”
While we ladies tried to defend ourselves, this babe started to dismiss period pain and kept saying, “Take painkillers, you’ll be fine. You guys like to suffer.” I was so dumbfounded, I just shook my head in disgust.
Olekanma Favour is a resourceful, self-motivated, and result-driven writer with a passion for crafting compelling narratives and insightful content. She loves tackling complex topics and weaving engaging stories.
When she’s not writing, Olekanma enjoys immersing herself in a good book, exploring new cuisines, and discovering new cultures.