If there is a series on Youtube that I need every woman to watch, then it is definitely the MTV Shuga series. Set in multiple countries, for over eight years it has told stories around sex education, teenage pregnancy, grooming and sexually transmitted diseases like HIV/AIDS.
It is a series I return to when I need a reminder that mentally owning my body as a woman is the first step to living a life that is not shackled to other people’s expectations of what a woman should be or should do.
The MTV Shuga: Down South series was also the first to show me a topical and visual representation of what stealthing and rape by deception could look like.
Without giving too many spoilers, one of the lead characters had a boyfriend who slipped off the condom when he wanted to have sex with her. This was knowing fully well that she wanted to have sex with condoms and did not want anymore children.
In discussions about rape and sexual assault, not enough is done to speak about this other side which is rape by deception and stealthing. Stealthing can be defined as the removal of condoms often by the man with him doing so even when his partner is against it. He may do this because he believes that sex with condoms is not as enjoyable as sex without protection.
What he then does is expose his partner to not only pregnancy, but any sexually transmitted diseases that he may be carrying.
Stealthing is often classified under rape by deception because it alters consent and exposes one party—often the woman—to bodily harm. Rape by deception refers to sexual acts that are carried out in a deceptive manner.
For instance, if the woman consented to sex with condoms or to sex in exchange for money, if the condoms are removed or if she is not given that money, it becomes rape by deception.
This is because the condoms and the money were part of her condition in giving consent. When this part of the consent is not honored, it becomes a case of rape by deception.
Rape by deception and stealthing are however not taken as seriously as they should. Stealthing exposes women to unplanned pregnancies that may even be ectopic thereby endangering their lives.
Some men promise underaged girls sanitary pads if they sleep with them (read: rape them) and these same men refuse to give them the pads.
It is bad enough that some women often have to sleep with men for survival but it is worse that these men do not keep to their end of the deal and leave these women and girls to the dangers of unplanned pregnancies.
The idea behind rape by deception still boils down to how men are raised to view their masculinity and sex through the lens of how well they can manipulate and conquer women sexually. And why is that?
Why have we created a world where men attain manhood by hurting women? Why don’t we take stealthing as seriously as we should? Where is the public shame for men who remove condoms and give women STD’s in the process?
To better understand this topic, I asked women to share their thoughts and personal stories. Below are their responses.
Ire
On stealthing and the lesser discussed angles of rape by deception. Omo! You just unlocked some bad memories of mine. Deep sigh 😤😤
It’s too much mental stress for me to unpack on all that went down.
I’ve been shaking my head and taking deep sighs for over 30 minutes now upon remembering what went down with this particular person.
I just really wish I had proper sex education from a close, informed and trusted source back then. Maybe I wouldn’t have had some of the humpty-dumpty-bumpy rides I’ve had in my sexual journey.
Also, rape by deception in terms of promising women things in exchange for sex and then not giving those things is a very rampant act carried out, especially, by a lot of guys.
They’ll particularly promise young girls, minors, material gifts like money, iPhone, latest designer or trendy wears and more in order to take carnal knowledge of them, then “dump” them to move on to the next “shiny, young and fresh blood”.
Girls, ladies, women are seen as “disposable objects” by these males and to be done away with after “chopping them”.
Just recently on social media, a lady crashed out over an artiste’s failure to give the material things he’d promised her after they have sexual relations.
I believe stealthing and rape by deception should be a punishable offence. It’s sexual abuse and harassment. Anyone who does that should be punished for violating the recipient’s body and mental health. No one totally recovers from the mental torture the replay of, or trigger these memories bring.
Rape, sexual harassment are very important topics to address in sex education as frequently as possible, in our societies and on different platforms.
There’s probably tons of women who aren’t even aware that there are words/names/tags for what they’ve experienced, but when it did happen, something about the situation just didn’t feel right to them. Well, they were right to suspect that something was really off.
Alas, there are names for those experiences: Stealthing, Rape by Deception, Sexual Coercion…
I vote for more sex education, especially for women.
S.A
As a single mom, I am the poster girl for protected sex because never again. This man was well aware of this. I talked about it constantly and for the months we were together, he knew well enough that if there was no latex, there’d be no sex. It was very very clear.
One day he just went to get one from the wardrobe and it turns out that he didn’t find one so instead of saying so, he touched some meds which sounded like condoms, stayed back a little and came back to bed like he had put one on. I couldn’t have imagined that he’d do something like that at all and was completely oblivious. I just knew that something was off because he was acting differently.
It was after that I kept asking why he was acting differently and he tried to pull a ‘ don’t act like you didn’t know ‘ on me but he couldn’t even pull it off successfully because the guilt was clearly visible and I wouldn’t let him get away with it. Sad to say that after a (now that I think about it) foolish ‘apology’ and some time, we got back together.
The night before I traveled for the holidays, this man spent literally hours going from pharmacy to pharmacy in different areas looking for where to buy condoms. I was even begging him to come back to the house because it was already past 11pm at that point but he wouldn’t give up and come back without the condoms because he knew for a fact that I wouldn’t have sex without it.
He finally got the condoms and returned and we had sex. Went in for a second round, he put on a new one and this man secretly slipped it off without my knowledge. I realized much later. I was livid this time. Why??? It made no sense whatsoever. His response was him first trying to shame me on how I could claim I didn’t know the difference. The same thing he said the first time. He insisted I was overreacting. There are many reasons why this man was a trash human being, but this second one was just satanic levels of evil.
No one should be able to do this to another person. What about health concerns? What about pregnancy? How is one supposed to comfortably have sex when there’s a fear that a person could do this to another?
Daye
Early last year the guy I was hooking up with decided to stealth me and I didn’t know until my period was late. I mentioned it to him and he admitted to purposely trying to get me pregnant because he thought this would keep me at home and not out and about.
I was in so much disbelief. I cried for days and eventually booked an appointment with Marie Stopes. It took months of therapy for me to finally get out of the headspace I was in.
I think it should be punishable by the law. The feeling was horrible. I want to be a child free woman so the thought of a man trying to forcefully tie me down to him really drove me into depression.
~
Women’s bodies are not political playgrounds where we are forced to carry pregnancies we may not have wanted initially.
It is therefore important that laws and policies are put in place to maintain and protect the bodily integrity of women and girls.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.