As sad as it is, one book every woman must read is Second Class Citizen by Buchi Emecheta. It is a semi autobiographical novel exploring domestic violence, immigration and reproductive abuse. Through reading it, I have been able to realise that a better option is always available and sometimes that option is being single until you are fully healed.
In one of my past rereadings of Second Class Citizen, one thing which really struck me was the irony of gender roles and double standards as it concerns women. Without giving too many spoilers, in the novel, Francis who was the main character’s husband, had a habit of taking Adah’s entire salary and then rationing out her own salary to her. He also firmly believed that he was the head of the family and was superior to her.
Now, in Nigeria and especially in Nigerian churches, it is not uncommon to hear that men are women’s heads and financial providers. And yet, women are told in the next breath that men are their first babies and a good woman is one who gives her salary to her husband without questioning him.
Someone reading this may ask what the other option is. You may be wondering if it is acceptable for men to don the title of women’s heads if they financially provide. To that, I shall say no it is not. I am not one of those feminists who believes that for a man to patriarch, he must have patriarchy money. No amount of money gives a man the pass to be a woman’s oppressor.
However, it is to point out the double standards in how men and women are judged when they fail at their gender roles. It is also to point out that only women must do the roles of the man and woman without any praise on her path.
A female breadwinner is expected to cook, clean and never mention that she is too tired to do that which is expected of women. A man who brings money to the family is excused from domestic chores on the basis that he is providing, but that same logic never applies to women.
And why is that? Why are women expected never to bw loud about the fact that they financially make the home stand? Why is it that hardly anyone points out how patriarchal standards fluctuate with hardly any shame? Today, a man is the priest of the home. Tomorrow, a mother’s prayers availeth much. Where are the loud celebrations and excuses for women who cannot cook the way everyone makes excuses for men who are “having a rough patch financially?”. Why are there double standards where gender roles are concerned?
Speaking with AO, she narrated how observing her parent’s marriage has taught her to look out for herself financially.
In her words: “I think this hits me close to home. My father called me the other day to complain that my mother was selling palm oil. He complained that we’re too big for it right now but I know for a fact no one has sabotaged my mother like him. Especially career wise. I know I’m not thought about in the grand scheme of things.
I’m trained to study medicine but it feels like my character is more important. My dad talks about making my brother’s life better and developing him.
My brother didn’t study medicine and my dad was so sad about it truly and after he traveled my dad said he could give me a medical degree. I was already studying medicine at the time.
Them no dey advice breadwinner. The double standards are there for girls and that’s why the stubbornness has to be times 2. I tell myself that.
I tell myself when I’m good and ready I should prepare for disownment because I’m just not a boy.”
For Ella, she believes that true partnership should not see only the man framed as a “baby”. To her, it should go both ways.
To quote her: “You ‘must’ not give your salary to any man. Even if you are the breadwinner. It is NOT a MUST.
Secondly, a man being your first baby does not directly imply that he should be a manchild who can’t take care of himself. Rather, it connotes the affectionate spirit of a woman who loves her man, to treat him right, and ‘pamper him’ applying her nature to be nurturing and caring for those she loves.
A man is also supposed to pamper his woman and make her feel loved and cared for as though she’s his baby. But they are still both mature individuals who can and should own up to responsibility well without stressing each other.
The fight to change some bad narratives that society harbours is tough. Responsible female breadwinners often face a challenge of insecure men who are not rooted in their masculinity, which results in him feeling slighted at any little disagreement simply because she brings the income.
But in the (rare) cases where the man is a responsible man, as a man should be, a responsible female breadwinner finds it peaceful and loving to support her home as she has the means to, where her husband doesn’t have the capacity for a period of time.
My opinion on responsible man is one who is rooted in healthy masculinity, is not insecure, shows love in a caring and supportive way and is not selfish to let his woman bear the financial burden by herself for a long period because of laziness or irresponsibility, and my opinion of a responsible female breadwinner in this context is simply a wise and emotionally intelligent woman.”
It is the height of injustice that separate rules exist for men and women when they fail at their prescribed gender roles.
True justice would happen when people are seen not through the lens of gendered norms but rather through individual ability.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.