There is a memory from primary school that is imprinted in my mind’s eye. When I think of the end of primary school, that memory shows up.
In it, exams had ended and I was reading a magazine called Treasure Teens. All the stories in there were interesting but one caught my eye.
It was the story of a young woman cutting herself due to her need to feel like she was indeed alive. The story said that she had faced rape and sexual assault and actively started cutting her skin each time the feelings of numbness, trauma and pain overcame her when she thought of the incidence.
That story shook me as a child in ways I am yet to fully recover from. I did not know what the word “feminist” was then. But one thing that story continues to make me aware of as I am now older and more knowledgeable, is that there is indeed a gendered angle to why women engage in self harm.
Self harm refers to the deliberate non-suicidal injuring of one’s body. In practical terms, it is seen in people cutting themselves in order not to feel numb or in order to feel like they are indeed alive.
There are different reasons why people engage in self harm but with women, one often observes that gender inequality and gendered violence plays a role in how women engage in self harm.
Like the young woman in the earlier mentioned story, it was rape and sexual assault that drove her to start cutting herself in order to wash away the numbness which she felt.
She wanted to feel that her body was indeed hers and not the body that was raped. She wanted to know that only her had the right to do what she wished with her body and even cause it pain and not a man.
When the issue of sexism is spoken about, hardly is there an exploration of the long term effects that sexism has on a woman’s relationship with her body.
Beyond the very valid discussions of beauty standards and eating disorders faced by women, where are the discussions on how Nigerian and African women engage in self harm due to rape, sexism induced depression and the effect of living in a patriarchal society?
Why isn’t there adequate conversation on how women who grow up in abusive homes get severe PTSD that may make them engage in self harm? Where are the discussions on how even women who no longer self harm will have to live with bodies with scars that remind them that they once used to harm their bodies courtesy of gendered abuse?
To further understand the gendered angles of self harm, I spoke to a few women.
Here are their responses.
Susan*
My relationship(?) with self-harming began when I was in my early teens, but the suicidal ideations started sooner. I was six when I first attempted suicide, I was constantly afraid and now in hindsight I realise that was anxiety.
Anyways I was afraid of being found out. I was scared that my mother, who was a staunch Christian will find out that her daughter (me) was “having sex” with her (my) bestfriend. I say having sex because we were both the same age and although I didn’t want to do things, he made me.
I lived in constant fear of being found out, and I recall this instance where I told him I wanted to stop because I was uncomfortable and he threatened to report me to my mother. I tried two to three other times to end my life before I turned ten. One time when I was eight, I became really hypersexual with my friend’s elder brother. He was thirteen; another time when I was about seven my mum’s friend’s son tried to touch me on multiple occasions but I didn’t agree. One time he tried to hold me down and try to kiss me by force, but I kept turning my head, until his sister caught us.
He was around my age. I discovered self harming in junior secondary school, and that when I started. At first, I would use blades, scissors and rubber bands, then it graduated to full on anorexia and putting myself in dangerous situations. Sexual encounters for me till date still involve me doing whatever he wants and pretending to enjoy it. In all honesty I do not like sex, I don’t feel much pleasure from being with myself either. I am struggling with alcohol and weed addiction. But the good thing is I haven’t drank in a month and I haven’t used weed in about two to three weeks, but I constantly crave it. I have been anxious depressed and suicidal. I don’t cut myself again, but I do still get this urge to punish myself.
I’m not really sure what advice to give to anyone struggling but here are the things that helped me: A personal relationship with God. Amazing supportive friends that became accountability partners.
My healing journey has been far from linear, because as recently as last month I was still in that dynamic with a man (although not anymore). And as recently as last week I was hitting my head on hard surfaces to punish myself.
Ekowoicho
I don’t know if my own ‘version’ of self-harm and ideation is related to my trauma. But growing up, I used to purposely press kerosene lamp against my skin, specifically my inner thigh (I’m guessing a part of me knew it was wrong and didn’t want anyone to find out). As an adult now I fantasize (I think that’s the word) about cutting myself just to see how it feels.
The only reason I knew what I was doing as a child was self-harm was because of an episode of Ginny and Georgia.
Telling my family what I went through sexually as a child helped me come to terms with what happened and how it’s affected some of the choices I’ve made and how it’s affected me and still is.
When I get a flashback I just want to peel my skin and bleach my mind.
I don’t really have or know the right words to tell someone dealing with self-harm. All I can say is, talking helps not just to anyone but someone who’d get angry on your behalf and will set the world on fire for you so that for a moment the weight (which is not your fault) will be lifted.
PA
I used to burn myself lightly with my lighter after I was raped. I did it for over 2 years.
It wasn’t something that really left any permanent damage on my skin so I’ve never classified it as self-harm. I’ve stopped since then.
~
To conclude, the truth is that women experience the world with an extra threat of violence added to how we carry ourselves and operate.
It is therefore important that we actively discuss issues of sexual violence and their impact in psychological disorders and negative habits like self harm.
Only then can we begin to make true progress and find better solutions.
*Name changed to protect identity.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.