Although I no longer agree with some things in it, a book that formed a foundation of my feminist beliefs is definitely We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. It is a book that validated some of my misgivings on gender and articulated in simple terms why I have struggled with beliefs like submission and even the prioritising of male children.
One more thing that that book did was shine a light on how female bosses are held to higher standards than male bosses. In it, a story was narrated of the subordinates of a female boss complaining that she did not bring a “woman’s touch” to the job.
By not bringing a “woman’s touch”, they were referring to the fact that she was strict and did not tolerate excuses or bad behaviour from her subordinates. They were expecting her to be “maternal” and “motherly” even in a work environment.
Sometimes, I think of the above scenario when I hear stories of male subordinates telling their female bosses: “I have your type at home”. I also think of it when people expect women to be submissive at home but high flyers in the workspace. Like I have asked before, I ask again: “If male children grow up seeing their mothers shrink themselves at home, in what world will they take female leadership in politics and business seriously?”.
I have wondered why the toxic male boss does not exist compared to the female boss who is often shamed for doing her job. Why is it that women are held to higher standards and even the sexual harassment, unequal pay and lack of consideration from male bosses still does not deter people from wanting to work with men?
Now, while I have wondered about the above, and while I have had both good and bad experiences with female and male bosses, I have heard stories of female bosses who did infact apply sexism when dealing with female subordinates.
For instance, some female bosses tend to be harsher with female staff whilst being more forgiving of the errors of their male staff. Some female bosses also see the women below them as some sort of competition such that they are meaner to them.
But is the concept of a “toxic female boss” a sexist phenomenon or are we just raised to criticise women more and expect saintliness from women? Are we raised to never internalise the truth that women may also be evil or is that evilness one that is lined with sexist undertones?
To properly answer these questions, I asked some women to share their thoughts. Here are their responses.
E
It is and it is not. I say it is not because I’ve experienced a mean female boss who treated her male staff differently. She would always want to act a certain way towards me. Sometimes commanding and honestly toxic (that’s the word). The only reason why, from time to time, she respects me or tries to mellow down is because I speak up to her or at least I try to.
But at the same time, it is sexism, because the whole idea already assumes that when a woman is firm, assertive, or authoritative, it automatically makes her wicked or toxic. Meanwhile, a man can act the exact same way or even worse and people will call him “a strong leader” or “someone who knows what he wants.” Women get judged for traits that men are praised for. The moment a woman in power steps outside the “nurturing” box as it is expected of her, people rush to tag her as the problem. That double standard alone is what makes the concept sexist.
G
Yes, I believe women are held to a higher standard.
I mean, the journey to becoming a manager wasn’t as smooth as it is for some men, and even as a leader who is a woman, I’ve heard of cases where many men don’t listen to you or regard you, I have heard cases of men who say they can’t take orders from women, so they don’t, or they act to lose such jobs.
If such a boss were to treat these team members as per the policies for their workplace attitudes or behaviours, they would say she was toxic.
Recall the time when FK’s driver drove her home instead of her desired destination. I’m sure when such cases lead to lost jobs, the men would say such a boss was toxic.
Also, I do acknowledge that some female bosses are truly toxic, for whatever reason. I honestly wish that just as much as we practiced solidarity, cheer, and advocate for women winning, we can truly call them to be more human.
We want women to win, it does not mean women have to adopt being a toxic boss as a leadership must-have or trait. Personally, it hurts more when a woman is a toxic boss to other women; it does not show solidarity or women-advocacy.
I
The first two female bosses I had were toxic. One was a freelancer who was putting a lot of pressure on me because of the pressure from her clients, so I get. But she was condescending as fuck.
The second one, no long talk: it ended in the police station. She wanted me to worship her while I just wanted to work and go home.
You won’t catch me talking bad about women in power because I’ve had wonderful ones who just want to do their jobs, but horrible ones dey like mad. And very disappointing because on Twitter, they’re branded as people who do women empowerment.
I’ve also been on the receiving end of that assumption to be “motherly”. A former coworker once reported me to our boss that I’m harsh. We were working overtime and the fool was trying to do small talk by asking personal questions. I told him I’m only awake by that time to work but if he could cover it for the both of us, I’m happy to trust his expertise. Reported me and my boss stood by me. She’s a woman by the way.
U
Definitely sexist. The two best bosses I’ve ever had were women. One of them taught me everything I know about marketing, she was a stickler and some of the systems she taught me I use in my work now. Her type is really rare.
The other opened me up to opportunities l, gave me space to grow and has remained a mentor.
However, the worst bosses I have also had were women. From the one that had a personal vendetta against me, to the one that had no boundaries and expected me to pander to her. It’s been a mixed bag, but that’s people. They come in all sorts.
That being said, I have a lot of empathy for female bosses, maybe it’s cause I have a soft spot for women. They are under a lot of pressure that their male counterparts may not understand. I feel like they are expected to perform niceness and they have to prove themselves more in the workplace to be taken seriously. That can take a toll.
The part about being harsher to women! I’ve experienced it first hand, with a boss who expected me to apologize for something I said in jest (which the guys on the team also said stuff), and also specifically talk to the other female members of the team to tell them not to speak to her like that because according to her, “the guys don’t have that problem”. I refused, of course, and that soured our relationship.
A lot of women have internalized misogyny to unlearn.
K
I think it’s a sexist concept because most times it’s because the women are setting and maintaining proper boundaries in the workplace.
That said, I’ve had a great female boss. She was the best boss I’ve ever worked with, both male and female. She was firm about work/life balance. She was also my friend but never allowed the friendship to cross lines at work.
She was so helpful on several occasions. She never made me feel stupid even when I made mistakes.
She really was a unicorn.
But you see the one that came after her. Omgggggg.
That woman was after my life. I had seven mental breakdowns in the year and half that we worked together. I was losing weight like crazy. I had mad anxiety and panic attacks every morning. This woman wore me down to the bone mentally.
I thought I was going crazy. I was suicidal for a long time. I would cry like 3 or 4 times a day in the restroom.
This woman was a narcissistic, sadistic, tyrant. Used my problems against me and gaslit the hell out of me.
It was so crazy.
My blood pressure was so high that the doctor had to tell me to take a break or I’d have a heart attack.
My current bosses are kind of similar but I’m not staying long enough for it to get bad.
They went back on their word regarding my salary and working days and I can’t stay in that kind of environment.
L
Did I ever mention that my former HR, whom I don’t report to by the way, gave me a knock on my head?
I’m pretty sure she’ll never do it to a guy because she’s very very sexist.
~
The reality is that sexism seeps into every part of our lives as women. While we must call out female bosses who are meaner to their female staff, we must also not normalise the idea that female leadership is abhorrent and to be avoided at all costs.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.