When the average Nigerian is asked what counts as abusive behaviour, depending on how the respondents perceive women, we can expect one of three answers. First, they may say when a husband beats his wife. Second and if they are members of a younger generation, they may add when a woman is raped.
Finally, if they are feeling generous they may add when a female child is being sexually molested by a teacher, uncle or pastor.
If you’ve noticed the examples given, you’ll notice too that these people do not include the heartache, disrespect and humiliation women are often exposed to when dating men a.k.a emotional abuse.
They also would hardly mention the financial humiliation that comes with emotional abuse too.
If anything, they shall describe the emotional abuse as “ups and downs” of any relationship.
All of the above have been perfectly illustrated in the responses of Nigerians to the relationship of Bella and Sheggz, two stars in the hugely popular reality show Big Brother Naija.
Sheggz has been captured on camera numerously belittling Bella and outright insulting her person for all to see.
But each time feminist women on social media point out this pattern of gaslighting and humiliation as abuse, they are harassed and told that it is not abuse. But why is that?
For the female supporters of Sheggz, it may be that they live in denial because his behaviour is a painful reminder of the experiences they face with their husbands and boyfriends. Experiences which they downplay using phrases like: “That’s how men are” and “All men are like that and are babies”. Isn’t it interesting that when it is time to evade responsibility, men stop being “heads” and become babies?
For the male supporters of Sheggz, it is the good old hatred of women playing out.
It is especially the desire to have women know that our emotions do not matter and we must accept it else risk being “bitter lonely women” who no man would want to date.
Abuse is not limited to physical and sexual assault. Abuse is anything that aims to belittle and cause you to question your sense of self and humanity.
Emotional abuse is a form of abuse too that can make women become shadows of their former selves and bitter women.
It often is seen in men insulting their wives, publicly shouting and humiliating their girlfriends, slut shaming their partners and ensuring to speak terribly on the things the women in their lives care about. It can also look like these men intentionally not supporting the career interests of their partners and seeking to downplay their achievements.
Sometimes emotional abusers would act loving one moment and be full of insults the next day.
All of this makes it difficult to spot an emotional abuser and call him out for who he is. Still, emotional abuse is abuse.
The scars may not be physically seen as in other forms of abuse but scars too exist on the woman’s soul and often affect how she carries herself.
It is wrong and must stop.
But that can only happen when it is not seen as a normal “rite of passage” that women would face while seeking love from men.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
