There is no doubt about the fact that we live in a world structured around the pursuit of romance, marriage and particularly heterosexual love.
But what happens when women choose to stay single even if for a short while? How do those women navigate the backlash that can come from living single?
To answer this question, Urban Woman Magazine spoke to some women and asked them to share why they choose to be intentionally single.
Read their responses below.
DE
I’ve always been an advocate for women having a period without romantic attachments. I say this mostly to heterosexual women.
I’m quite young, but I’ve had a reasonable level of experience with males–boys and men–at different stages of my life.
I feel like most women were raised to aspire to romantic attachments with the eventuality of marriage looming ahead of them. Every action, behaviour and character arc is curated specially for the male gaze. We’re taught to like things or learn things for the sake of a future husband that we don’t even deign to consider what we like.
In the years where I remained intentionally single, I’ve discovered so much about myself and things I love and things I’d love to do. I realised that while I might like to fall deeply in love and get married, I honestly would also enjoy never getting married and living alone forever. I have my opinions and stick to them without wondering what a man would think of me because of it.
It’s also very freeing to be unattached. It’s selfish, yes, but it’s amazing.
Also, I’ve seen a few women close to me lose their identities in the men they were with, some developed this weird psychological issue where they feel abnormal if there’s no man in their life. I’m sure it’s glaring how dangerous that can be. Anyway, this is all that’s in my head on this matter right now 😊
Thank you for this question!
AF
I have been single by choice since 2021. It has been a trip to be honest. While there’s that need to be partnered, I’ve been able to admit that [relationships] have not been good for me.
Everything that has gone wrong in my life, I can always trace it back to a relationship or me chasing love. I had to take a step back and reassess why that was happening to me in love situations. That’s one reason. The other reason is that I was not getting treated with the decency that I wanted in a relationship.
There’s a second phase of loneliness that exists when you are partnered with somebody who does not see you fully. It is such a heart wrenching thing.
I looked at all of the above and realised that I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where the other person was not loving me how I truly desired to be loved.
JD
I’m a year single and celibate by choice. Why? It’s peaceful. As much as I seek human connection, I don’t make it the centre of my life. I have been forced to lower my standards. I rebuked and refused.
I have had to over explain to a man that I’m suffering. Upon all no care, nothing. And he could clearly see I was at my worst. Or is it how my IQ reduces when we have conversations around intelligence and women?
I have never had more clarity in my singleness compared to now. These men would tell me I would come back begging. Meanwhile now it’s the reverse. I have made past mistakes and I realized the only reason I jumped into relationships and sex with these “men” was because I knew the moment they opened their mouths to say anything they thought meaningful, it’ll be revolting. Sex was only the thing keeping us together. So I took sex away and realized I wasn’t gaining anything.
Even with suitors who have come my way. Even those who offered to pay for my flight when we got comfortable. I asked them, asides sex and marriage, what do you have to give? Omoooo they were all silent.
Not one, not two. Being single is a great phase for retrospection. For a neurodivergent it differentiates the need for hyperfixating and dopamine seeking with clarity.
MI
This year will make it 11 years since I chose to be single.
For me, my driving force was and still is my career. I love the peace that comes with knowing I can take any career decision without considering another person. Maybe selfish, but I genuinely have been successful thus far. It has made me my biggest competition, I just keep setting standards and surpassing it.
Another reason would be that I believe in dating to marry. It may not always end in marriage but because of how picky I am, if I decide to date you, then I most definitely see a future with you. Now, because of this, I adopted a rule that states – if marriage is not in your 5 years agenda, then don’t date.
So, this period for me is that period of knowing that I do not see myself married in five years, yet. Don’t know what may happen soon but then, yes! I’ve been single by choice and I promise you, it is a beautiful place to be.
You know it is because you don’t want it not because you can’t start one when you want to.
I also think every human should have those periods when they decide to be single by choice. In fact, those are the times you get to know more about yourself – build yourself, realise your personal red flags and work on them. It is also the time you really get to choose yourself for yourself and really make decisions for yourself without considering anyone else and not feeling guilty about it.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.