Why Unlearning Marriage Obsession Is Necessary

When I think of Nigerian movies that stand out in how they encourage women to be forward thinking and to see ourselves as autonomous beings, the movie Isoken takes center stage in my mind.

Directed by Jade Osiberu and starring actors like Dakore Egbuson-Akande, Tina Mba and Bolanle Olukanni, it is a movie that questions why marriage is placed as the be all and end all of a Nigerian woman’s life.

I do not want to give spoilers in the movie so that those who haven’t watched it will do the needful. However, Isoken is a timeless classic because it addresses how Nigerian women are often pressured to be marriage obsessed. 

The good thing though is that it passes the message that as beautiful as love is, a woman must find her identity in a manner that is not tied to her roles of wife and mother.

Now, it is not unusual to hear Nigerian women pray for husbands and for God to release them from the “shackles” of singlehood before they are 30. This is such that when popular female celebrities get married at say age 33 or 35, people celebrate on social media and make statements like: “Delay is not denial”. 

It is also not unusual for single women to be pressured into marriage and set up on endless matchmaking dates by aunts and sometimes uncles. A single woman who says she wants to further her education, get a PhD or travel the world is badgered with questions about her plans to marry especially if she’s aged 28.

The downside however is that all of this raises a crop of women who are obsessed with marriage and with the idea of a man going on one knee to ask them to marry him. 

This makes them ignore a lot of red flags if the man in question is rich, handsome and is capable of giving them the once in a while affection that can see them hearing “God when” from people on social media.

Even worse, are the women who were marriage obsessed, who used to wear wedding gowns while praying for a husband and then get married.

Some of these women may end up feeling trapped when their husbands are emotionally abusive and women who were once cheerful and lively become cold, angry and bitter. 

They become resentful because their husbands may be cheating and may not be granting them the love, joy and emotional fulfillment that they were promised only marriage could offer. 

These are the sort of women who mock single women who are traveling or get angry at young women in the family who have no plans of marrying. 

Why is it that hardly anyone questions how women are raised to behave like we are living on borrowed time as single women? Why do we raise women who see themselves as dead and only capable of living when a man’s ring and surname kickstarts them from supposed inactivity? 

Why do we not question how absurd it is that the “best day of a woman’s life” is the day that is not even just about her but one where she is being joined to another person? If a wedding is the best day of a woman’s life, are we implying that even the rest of the days in the marriage itself will never measure up to the joy of the wedding? Furthermore, why are women raised not to value our achievements with the same energy used to celebrate weddings? Where are the podcasts, movies and films celebrating women who left toxic and unhealthy relationships?

To further understand why marriage obsession is harmful, I spoke with a few women. Here are their responses.

Zi

My Aunt died in her marriage. The pipeline was simple. Go to school, get married, you’re lucky if you end up with a man that is okay with you working. My aunt experienced the same. 

She didn’t marry when people thought was early. And even though she saw red flags, she entered the marriage because what is a woman without a man covering her, yes? She got married, and was beaten to death.

Her obsession, and the society’s pressure led her to her death.

As a young woman at 14, I wanted to be a soldier. I was talked out of it because what if my husband ‘doesn’t want a soldier?’ “What of the children?” I was asked. “Who will care for them if their mother is in the Air force?”. 

I had to consciously unlearn this as a 17 year old because I want great things for myself so why do I have to keep holding myself back by a marriage that may never happen?

Women don’t live their lives fully because we assume we are incomplete without marriage. It’s such a limitation. I should acknowledge the fact that my mother leaving her marriage and picking her life up is very instrumental in making me decenter marriage.

Obianuju*

I have a lot to share. I have an aunt whose first husband died of HIV but she got married again to a bad man. Everyone told her to stop and adopt a child but she was adamant to the core.

She married the man and was beaten day and night. The man asked her to cut ties with our whole extended family. And she trained the man from primary school to law school which he went twice and failed. 

A common motorcycle rider that she still fears till now and blames us for avoiding her whereas she is the one responsible. Now she’s looking for help from people around cause she’s retiring soon.

Because of her marriage and many of my aunts’ marriages, I don’t even think of considering marriage.

Ogochukwu

I wholeheartedly agree that unlearning the obsession with marriage is crucial for women. From a young age, many women are conditioned to believe that their value or completeness hinges on marriage, which can lead to making harmful decisions just to fit societal expectations.

When we place marriage as the ultimate goal, it often pushes women into staying in toxic or unfulfilling relationships simply out of fear of being labeled as “incomplete” or “failures.” The pressure to be married by a certain age or to avoid the stigma of divorce often traps women in situations that do not serve their well-being. I know of a few women who remained in unhealthy relationships because of this pressure, particularly from family or cultural expectations. The fear of being judged can be overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that happiness and self-fulfillment should never be sacrificed for societal validation.

To any woman dealing with pressure from friends or family, you are enough just as you are. Marriage should not be a checkbox or a solution to others’ opinions. Your worth is not defined by your relationship status. Focus on creating a life you love and surround yourself with people who support you for who you are, not for meeting some arbitrary standard. Marriage, if it’s something you want, should be based on love and partnership, not on fulfilling someone else’s timeline or expectations.

Zainab

I’ve shared a couple of times on why self preservation is important and one of the many ways to do that is not make marrying someone your ultimate priority. 

I suffered greatly for making such a decision.  My dreams and my goals all sank with my desperate aspiration to be a Mrs.

13 years later I’m coming up for air. Getting myself back on track is almost a Herculean task but I’m surely going to be all I want to be with all the fight in me.

Please prioritize yourself and your growth. Go to school and learn that trade/skill. Get your mindset right as well because you can do all these things and still marry wrong if marriage is your forte.

Know what you want. Know your standards and please don’t budge.

~

The truth is that sexist cultures need women to buy into the lie that without marriage we are incomplete.

While it is okay to want partnership, when you make a conscious decision to unlearn being obsessed with marriage, you indirectly give yourself the permission to thrive, grow and truly start living on your own time table.

*Name changed to protect identity.

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