If there is a movie that more Nigerian and African women need to watch then that movie is definitely Isoken which was directed by Jade Osiberu. Featuring actors like Dakore Egbuson-Akande and Funke Akindele, it covered themes like marriage, love and the importance of sisterhood.
Without giving too many spoilers in the movie, some scenes stood out for me due to how they sparked interest in the feminist in me. For example, there was a scene where Isoken, the main character, was speaking about getting a further MBA degree.
Instead of encouraging her, her mother began shouting and scolding her for thinking of education when she was over thirty and unmarried. Her mum went on to imply that a woman did not need to be very educated as it would make her less marriageable.
One would think that such beliefs and ideas should not show themselves in the 21st century. But unfortunately, even outside the movie, several women are shamed for wanting to be ambitious. Women may be encouraged to go to university for a first degree but any plans about travelling abroad for a PhD are shut down under the pretext of: “Who would marry you?”.
Even when women get married to seemingly progressive men, any attempt to improve herself in a manner that would mean she does not have as much time to contribute to household domesticities is met with resistance.
We use the term “settle down” to refer to marriage but the truth is it is only one party who is raised to literally lower themselves and their dreams when making the choice of a marriage partner.
And why is that? Why do we raise women to see our dreams and aspirations as concepts that stand the chance of being buried?
Why is it only women who are constantly advised to marry a supportive man while men expect a supportive woman as default? Especially when a supportive boyfriend can end up being a very lackadaisical husband and father?
What or whose system is threatened by women living our dreams to the fullest extent? Is there a fear that should women be very educated and live our ambitions we would no longer be enamoured of men?
If women are told to lower themselves so as to get a partner, does that not raise questions regarding the popularly held belief that men are superior to women? Surely if someone has to lower themselves so that you are comfortable, it can only mean that from the onset they were higher than you?
To better understand this topic, I asked a few women to share their insights and personal stories.
Here are their responses below.
Sonia
My aunt was told numerous times to not get her Msc, then PhD because it would intimidate men as she was already a lawyer.
She didn’t listen to anybody. She’s got that ‘Dr.’ in front of her name now, is progressing in her career path, and guess who got married after snatching that PhD?
Technically, she’s my mom’s cousin not my aunt, and my mom has another cousin with the same name; they’re all around the same age with 2 years difference at best.
Second ‘aunt’ with the same name didn’t go further and kept dropping out of any career path they struggled to set her on.
Spent her time praying against the stepmother witches in the village against her progress and marital progress. This one rejected ambition even when the same people warning her namesake against ambition were begging her to have even small. Anyway, guess who’s 50+, no progress financially, academically, career-wise, and also single (not by choice – which is what’s important here). She was also one of the loudest people warning her cousin against the dangers of ambition for a woman.
Idayat
It doesn’t feel right at all. Women have just been socialised to prioritise everyone else except ourselves. That’s why it feels natural to want to dedicate years and years of your life to the thankless service of taking care of the home. And to want to quit your job to raise children.
Men are parents too but it will never occur to them to stop working. They are socialised to always prioritise themselves. Always.
Nana
What comes to mind and because it happens every single time…
When I share flyers on WhatsApp…especially of events outside my location, I get: “Who will you leave the kids with? What about the kids?”.
Then there are those who decide to congratulate me, but remind me that ‘time is going’ and I should rather focus on having more kids and raising a family than ‘flying around’.
Wendy
I once asked my aunt if it’d make sense to have a car after uni, say, during service. She told me not to, as it wouldn’t be attractive to a man.
Zoe
I was in a certain conversation and I emphasized that I do not want to be remembered as the mother who gave up her goals/ambitions for her children and heads turned.
I will push my children to go for all they want by actually going for what I want. Never would I suggest it to them that it’s okay to give up on themselves for anybody.
I don’t want to be the mother who gets celebrated with the tagline ‘thank you for giving up on your dreams for us’. I will just know I failed as a person/parent if that happens.
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Women’s dreams matter. Women’s opinions are necessary. Women’s aspirations are valid.
It is the height of injustice that women are raised to suppress our desire to effectively contribute to the public growth of our communities and societies.
True freedom can only be acquired when servitude is not seen as something “good women” do. True freedom can only be attained when ambition is so normalised amongst young women that the concept of an “ambitious woman” is not seen as an anomaly.
Till then, we must continue to provide space for women and girls to have their dreams, hopes and goals nurtured to fruition.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.