What Family Event Radicalised You?

Numerous things happen in our lives that radicalise us as women. It could be witnessing domestic violence. It could be witnessing poverty. It could be school bullying.

However, more people need to speak on the family events that radicalised them as women and pro women feminists.

In our latest piece, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share events and memories from their families that radicalised them.

IE

I would say, my dad’s death. It’s the single most defining thing that’s changed the trajectory of my life so far. Maybe even more than education. 

I saw how my mother was treated. She was even younger than I am now. How she had no agency. It took my uncles to ensure we weren’t taken away. Essentially, her entire family rallied around and put their feet down, if not I for don dey village dey married and barefoot pregnant by now. 

It made me not want to be a child. I wanted to be an adult and have agency. 

But I saw that especially in the South South, a woman could be an adult and be paying her own way through life, but her agency could and would be reduced just by having a husband (they’re usually deadbeat ngl). I wanted more. The search for independence and more radicalised me.

OI

My stepmom carries the family finances on her business and makes it look as though Dad is the provider. Even the house we have, na she put 90% money inside.

She also hands over her ATM cards to my dad (hehe but in her defense her head dey spark normally so it limits the nonsense he can try). Of course she still cooks and cleans and launders (and refuses to get help so that nobody *distracts* her man), to the detriment of her health even.

Anyway this is the bedrock of my decision – my money is my money, and his money (if *he* ever comes into existence sef) is our money. I no follow son of anybody do 50/50. 

In fact I don’t want to marry sef. Children I’m not even sure. I too like peace and a man will RUIN MY LIFE.

EO

1. My father telling people he finally had a son when my brother was born. 

2. My mother telling me that I needed to do house chores better so I could do them in my husband’s house. 

4. My father treating my mother disrespectfully even though she was the breadwinner for over a decade after his business crashed. 

5. My mother almost committing suicide several times because of my father’s gaslighting and mistreatment. 

6. My father telling me he could never respect me unless I was married or had a child.

I refuse to live my mother’s life or marry a man like my father. Which is why I work hard, because I want more and I will have it. I refuse to settle for less than I deserve and I refuse to live an unlived life.

AO

For me it was spending a lot of my formative years away from my mother.

She was branded a witch and called all sorts by my father, we were taught to hate her, so my sisters and I were raised by our dad😭We missed out on so much of each other’s lives. 

It was only when he died we could be with her freely and I was already a teenager and it has been so hard rebuilding the relationship but I’m so glad we even get a chance 🥹

Now that I’m older I am very much bitter about how a man decided his wife was a witch and literally dragged her name through the mud based on the fact that she refused to give up her autonomy ! Also his family members who supported him for a time 😪 how most just looked away and left her to face it all alone.

What really angers me is she still refuses to give up his name and accept that he was very selfish and obviously going through a psychotic episode that actually caused us so much trauma as kids too, and pins it all on the devil.

Also they never officially divorced and he had another wife/girlfriend 😭

I’m also very proud of my mum too, she stood her ground against it all and built a name for herself to hold her own, even though it meant leaving us she said respectfully fuck them kids 😭🤣, which in the end saved us from his questionable life choices and circumstances 🥹

Yeah it has made me want better for myself and other women because wtaf? We deserve the world.

ML

One of the most important thing that radicalized me as a woman is – Motherhood. I’m actually a child-free woman by choice, but 50% of my decision is rooted in the observations I made from my family dynamics across three generations.

My maternal grandmother died before I was born, before she even reached age 50. My mom hardly talks about her, but I picked up from conversations among her siblings that it was “Iku Omo”, i.e, the roles and responsibilities of motherhood that killed her. It was that constant search to be a mother that took her life, she wanted to give my maternal grandfather a son. Then my mother practically grew into the roles of motherhood before she even became a mother by taking care of her younger brother, their last born, after their mom died.

Then she met my dad. My father is more or less a “deadbeat” father in the sense that he never wanted kids and was vocal about him not wanting kids to my mom; this man never wanted to be a father, hence his lack of responsibility towards his children. Yet, my mom went ahead to have three children for him. 

She was selfish on this regard because she wanted to experience motherhood, to have children for a man who didn’t want them. When I was born, my dad didn’t even visit the hospital. I never had a naming ceremony party; I only have two official names because he didn’t show up. My mom cried a lot during my pregnancy, it was painful and emotional for her, and she also lacked the maternal support she needed because her own mother was gone.

Both of my parents are now remarried to people who do not have biological children due to health reasons and they are finally living the reality of life without children. Seeing what motherhood did to my grandmother and my mother sealed my decision: I am not going to experience motherhood. I want to live my life to prove a point, especially to my mom, that your life can be good and fulfilling as a child-free individual. It is not a crime. She could have picked herself first. I want to live my life to show her the alternative path she could have taken.

TO

My mum.

That in itself is a full sentence and it’s because her life is a cautionary tale not because she’s a bad person, she’s a good mother to an extent and did her best but when I look at her life trajectory it was filled with a young woman who was naive and moved through life from the lens of the end goal is to be coupled with a man.

She left home at 20, and moved in with my dad, got pregnant with me by 21, and seperated with my dad at 24, tried uni, left because of me, her mum kept hammering on her having another child because one child is like being barren. Nigerian parents are interesting 😩.

Met someone else, had another child in her early 30s, the child died at 1 year, got pregnant a few years later, and had my stepbrother.

Left him 3 years after, travelled to FCT to figure life out, moved back to the south west after meeting a man on Facebook, then another man, and another man.

All my life I saw her try so hard to just get married and stay with a man, I wish she channeled that energy into raising her kids, paying attention to them, and just building herself.

Because all through this running around, she didn’t go back to school, had no life skills, no property, nothing.

All those years wasted because she let her siblings’ words get to her, so she didn’t marry.

So yeah, you can’t see this life growing up and it won’t radicalise you.

I left home at 20 too, but I didn’t have a baby. I built up my life, she dropped out, I dropped out but I said no, this won’t continue with me, went back to school, she had kids, I don’t want them.

She wanted to be married, I’m not so sure about that.

So yes, my mum’s life radicalised me.

SO

Financial abuse of my mum. She used her prime years to fend for the whole family and every other things while still being submissive😭

Now she’s stuck in her marriage with almost nothing to show for it. I don’t recommend marriage to women because it’s a big trap for them.

OH

One time my mum was ranting and she said “I know that’s how you people will treat me, because I’m not a member of this family!”.

Mind you, she took both my dad’s middle name and surname upon marriage, and she helped raise 4 of my dad’s younger siblings.

AN

It was simply women putting the men before themselves, and entering seriously hot soup because of that. 

Soooooo many examples from my mother’s generation alone like: 

– She and her sister contributing all they had to their brothers career/lives/marriage, etc. In the early 2000s and late 90s, my mum and her sister were the really really, happening babes and their brothers were struggling footballers.

They did all sorts that ranged from giving these men money to marry their wives, helping the men get investments in Nigeria while the men were abroad (never mind that they weren’t investing for themselves too even though it was their money oo), taking care of the wives and children of these men, running the family house we all lived in then that included everybody’s spouse and their child/children at some point, and a million more things I can’t remember right now.

So many times they’d discover the men were lying and being dishonest in different ways, but they kept forgiving. Anyway, it’s 20+ years later now, and these men say the women didn’t do anything for them, and they are “tired of helping” the women. So basically they should get the fuck because they have their own families to feed😙. They also blame them for any misfortune they face btw (eg they blamed my mum for getting abused). 

And yes, they made it in their football career back then because of how my mother and her sister were pumping money. One played for Super Eagles, the other is a top football scout till date.

– ⁠My siblings father has a cousin that’s still in contact with my mom and siblings. He paid ONLY my brother’s school fees for about the last two years of my brother’s education. Some have argued that it’s because my brother was their father’s first child, but na lie. He did it because he’s the only boy. He said it.

– ⁠The abuse my mother faced in the hands of her ex-husband. That man tried to kill her (and me) at least twice. And we were always asked to beg him after each incident. But somehow, I got away with never apologizing even as a child because I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

– ⁠My experience with my sperm donor. 

There are so many others, but I think that’s enough tea for now😂 

All of these have reinforced 3 main points I have regarding men and dealing with them as an adult:

– My resources don’t go to helping men (e.g my time, efforts, skills, etc) If my resources go to them indirectly (when I give it to a woman) and I can’t help it, then fine. But directly? Nah. Patriarchy is so deeply ingrained in us, so I may not realise when I’m going against this resolve I’ve made. But I try my best to remember and uphold it as much as possible (AKA everytime!).

– ⁠When a man says something once about his character, beliefs, mindset, etc, I believe him. Men do not get a second chance in my books anymore. Even that first chance is more like half a chance. I really don’t have the patience or grace to give anymore. The men in my family have exhausted all of it. And I keep repeating this to myself because in this dumb ass patriarchal society, it can be easy to forget.

– ⁠This brings me to my third point: I remind myself that it is Women first and A LOT of times, women only. In EVERY aspect of my life. I’ve had women tell me this isn’t easy, but I’ve been living it as much as I can recently and it’s going fine so far. Men don’t care about women like that, so idk why we bother to center them like that. Just dey do your thing dey go.