What Drives Low Self Esteem In Women?

There is a story from my mother that has stuck in my consciousness each time I think about the trajectory of confidence in women. 

In it, she was approached by a past female student of hers who was job hunting and needed some recommendations and guidance. 

Now, bear in mind that this student of hers was the best graduating student in her set in secondary school and also went on to graduate with first class honors in her university.

My mother said she arranged a meeting with some well connected people in the lady’s field. The only requirement needed was that the lady in question had to make some calls, introduce herself and essentially do a pitch to finalise why she was the best candidate for the job. 

To my mother’s utmost surprise, this lady expressed incredible fear at having to contact the necessary people and put her skills and self out in the open. This was not the fear that could come from being nervous, which is normal; the fear expressed by her was one which wanted her to totally avoid the opportunity and forget that she had reached out for help.

I do not know what came of the situation or if she eventually plucked the courage to speak for herself. 

However, my mind takes me to that scenario each time I encounter women carrying themselves in an apologetic haze, be it in relationships, business or in matters of education or even on the streets of social media. 

That memory comes into my headspace when I try to come to terms with the sad reality that many women do not know how to advocate for their needs in relationships. That many women live with mountains of resentment because they will rather be silent than confront that male coworker who keeps calling them “baby” and asking intrusive questions about their sex lives. 

That many women, even in the hair salon, nail shop and places that are traditionally feminine, do not have the courage to point out to the hair stylist that they do not like what is being done to their hair. That many women smile, laugh or outrightly overlook it when a potential love interest makes sexist and misogynistic jokes even if those jokes make them deeply uncomfortable.

That many women simply do not know how to say no.

But what exactly drives low self esteem in women? 

What is that thing or institution that deadens the fire in loud little girls and turns them into women begging to speak at work meetings? 

Is it religion that sees little girls who once put their opinions in an unprovoked manner, grow up to be women who fantasize about turning off their brains when in relationships with men? 

Is it school environments that see little girls who were denied being class captains grow up into women who do not know how to envision themselves as bank managers, school principals and airplane captains?

What drives low self esteem in women?

Speaking with Ufuoma*, she explained that not being financially stable once affected her self esteem.

In her words: “The time I had an all time low self-esteem was when I was very broke. I mean broke to the core that I will calculate using 250 naira to buy food. This was last year and even two years ago. Not being able to take care of my self, meet my basic needs, or even have what my friends had did a number on me. 

Even if I would read self help books, nothing could give me that confidence I so desperately needed. I was so insecure, in my body, in the way I walked, in how I expressed myself in social gatherings. 

Even if I tried so much to cover up for my flaws you could notice my low self esteem even from my body posture. I think low self esteem has an aura. People can perceive it. 

One day I went to buy a phone, I think the phone was 4-5k. These small small phones. I walked into the mall, and the customer service treated me like I was a beggar. I specifically told her I needed a phone battery that would last. 

She was so rude to me and she said the phone is sealed and until I pay for it she can’t help me check the battery capacity. My low self esteem was at an all time high. There were people buying iPhones, Samsung and all that around me and I walked in to buy Nokia torchlight. 

I paid for the phone and do you know that this girl gave me a phone where the battery was just like 1000maH? I was so mad. I told her this is not what I wanted.”

She went on to say: “She just ignored me and left me at the counter for over 30 mins. I asked to speak with their manager, they were like na this kind person we go call manager for? I felt so embarrassed and humiliated. In the end security walked me out because I had overstayed smh… looking back, I would have beat that girl. With the kind of person I am today, I for naked her for that mall. It can’t happen now.

Low self-esteem affected me a lot. But I can’t relate anymore. As soon as I got my first paying job, September 2024, 70k a month, I felt so good. 

I remember going to buy yoghurt one day just because I felt like taking yoghurt. Something that I couldn’t even do in the past 3-5 years of my life. 

Being able to afford basic things for myself has greatly improved my confidence.”

When asked to share her opinion, Nicole, a psychologist gave a list of what contributes to low self esteem.

She said: “Key factors that contribute to self esteem include the following and not limited to:

Negative feedback from others(belittlement or rejection).

Unrealistic expectations. 

Social comparisons.

Past failures.

Lack of accomplishments.

Trauma or Abuse.

Body image/Physical appearance.

Unhappy childhood.

Poor academic performance.

Relationship breakup.

Financial instability.

Childhood trauma. 

Primary caregivers not being your cheerleader.”

The goal of feminism is to ensure that women have lives that are beautiful and fully recognised as human.

It is therefore important that more interrogation is done into the factors that drive low self esteem in women. Factors like childhood abuse, financial disinheritance and even the trauma from watching one’s widowed mum subjected to widowhood rituals.

It is in this interrogation that true healing can start.

*Name changed to protect identity

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