I am a very huge lover of documentaries and films that are women focused. I love how the blend of human stories and journalistic reports shed light on the realities of women.
Watching women focused documentaries has greatly improved my journey as a feminist and it is something I would advise young feminists to partake of.
One of my favourite women focused documentaries is the Death To Thirty documentary which was spearheaded by Ore Badmus, a Nigerian filmmaker, visual artist and tech marketer.
In it, she spoke to several women across multiple age ranges to find out what fuels how women are not just scared of growing older, but also shamed for growing older.
Without giving too many spoilers from the documentary, one thing that I picked from it is that much of Nigerian and indeed African society has a rabid fear of women growing older.
There is a fear that the older a woman grows, the more uncontrollable she is and the more ability she has to detect nonsense. Older women tend to have money of theirs. They tend to be more established emotionally and they tend to be in a more settled phase.
It is this fear that governs why most men want to marry very young women in their early twenties and even late teens. They want women who they can literally mould with little to no questions and who are not financially stable.
Now, one has to point out that the shaming of older women even by younger women all contributes to the normalisation of pedophilia.
The belief that a woman who is past twenty five is “expired milk” contributes to girls in their late teens feeling extra special when a man in his mid 40s gives them an amount like fifty thousand naira.
What is interesting, is that the man in his 40s may not even be extra rich but he actively goes for very young women. And he does this because he knows that a certain amount of money may not impress an older woman. This is especially as she will touch higher amounts of money because like any adult, she has to handle big bills like rent and may be earning higher than what he is comfortable giving her.
Even asides the boundaries of relationship and marriages, in much of Nigerian and African society, there is the belief that a man who grows older is fine wine and distinguished.
However, it is not often that that same logic is applied to women even in the workplace. And why is that? What drives this mentality? Why have we raised women who become scared as their 30th birthday approaches?
Why is it that women are scared to leave relationships and switch careers because they fear that they are too old to be doing such? What drives the shaming of older women such that women stay in situations where they are deeply deeply unhappy?
To better understand this topic, I asked a few women to share their thoughts.
Below are their thoughts.
Chinenye
I strongly believe that shaming older women is linked pedophilic tendencies in men. As a child and a teenager, I have had wayyyyyy more interest from men than now as a grown woman in her 30s. I believe most men are attracted to the naivety and foolishness mostly found in the young.
With age comes knowledge and wisdom as well as experiences and men do not appreciate these qualities in a woman.
I am thoroughly disgusted by how much male interest I had to field as a child and teenager and the declining interest is literally one of the highlights of growing older.
Teniola
Yes I have felt scared of growing older, but for totally different reasons. I’m scared that if I turn 30 without all my well laid down plans coming to pass, I’ll feel like a failure.
But apart from that, I totally enjoy the process of growing up and older. It’s something that I have wanted for my whole life, being an adult.
And I didn’t start to feel that fear until last year when I turned 25. It was like someone had lit an ignition in me with no road to drive and time running out on me so fast.
On how I navigate my fear, I ground myself by telling myself that my life will not end at 30 but instead begin in a more wholesome manner. I also make actual conscious plans to ensure that I meet the run rate for those plans, and I tick them off when I scale through one. I also give myself grace by reminding myself of all I have achieved and lastly, I take my fears to God.
Gift Anozie
I’m not 30 yet. But I’m going to be 29 this year. And I’m dreading it. I don’t have any advice to give. I’ll just say this growing up in Nigeria, I have watched men insult woman who are unmarried at the age they think women are supposed to be married. I grew up watching this.
And the funny thing is I know better, I’m a feminist. But everything I remember my age, I’m ashamed. I have nothing show for myself.
I don’t even need anyone to shame me, although I know it stems from the household I was brought up in and how I saw society bash women. Even my father calls unmarried women prostitutes, he used to say that they’re prostitutes that’s why no man married them. Last year I challenged him and told him if this was the truth then his daughter is also a prostitute. I’m trying to unlearn shame. Because I mean why do I have to be ashamed that I’m getting older, shouldn’t I get older?
I’ll say older men shame women a lot, and older women support it. They make you feel like you’re not complete. Like you’re expiring after an age or something. And unlearning shame isn’t as easy as I expected it to be.
I’ve come to realize that men are the ones that drive the shaming of women in the society. I think they do this to exert dominance and superiority, because marriage is a way that women can be controlled
I’m struggling but yeah hopefully…
Chinelo
I feel a lot of it still has to do with the societal expectation that women must be under men, whether married or not. If you’re married, some will ask if “your man cannot control you”. If you’re not, you’re clearly defective in some way. A prime example is this Natasha case that’s been ongoing. Not sure if it has any link to pedophilia in my book, though🤔.
Personally, I’ve never been scared of getting older. In fact, it’s my birthday today and I struggle to recall what age I’m turning on days like this. For this, my family is definitely a big contributor because there has never been any pressure, subtle or overt reminders about my age or anything that is related to. I didn’t even know I was living in a bubble until I interacted with other women and heard their stories.
I think every woman should focus on themselves and their goals. Don’t set unrealistic goals for yourself. As a woman, there’s so much more that life has to offer beyond what we often limit ourselves to. Exploreeeeee! Do life on your own terms, darling.
~
More women need to actively unlearn the shame that has been imposed on us for growing older.
We must instead consciously learn to see each new age as a celebration of the wisdom and resilience that we have accumulated over the years.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.