In most societies in the world, there is no doubt that religion plays an integral role in how good and bad behaviour in women and men is seen, perceived and reprimanded.
From weddings, child dedications and funerals, the faith in God plays an active role in organising members of communities.
Now, what happens when women question the negative, sexist and controlling parts that can come with organised religion?
What happens when women in “Third World Countries” decide to take a step away from religious dictates of how a “good woman” should behave? How do they deal with backlash?
Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some of these women what led to their decisions and how they navigate reactions to their choice to be non-religious.
Below are their responses.
Blessing
It’s been a long journey to being non religious, but looking back, I don’t think I had much of an option because I was so aware of how religion mistreats women.
I love the freedom that comes with being non religious. I live for myself and life has more meaning for me now. I no longer have to fear hell or feel guilty for just existing or having urges and emotions that are not “godly.”
Being nonreligious also opened me to be fully and unapologetically feminist. At the same time, it made me more tolerant because what if there’s judgement day and it’s Orunmila or Osiris on that seat? So yeah.
Viv
Religion provided me with the first community I had but one thing I couldn’t stand was the hypocrisy, not even the misogyny. I hated how rules were different based on money and how clearly fraudulent people were celebrated.
I hated how impoverished religion made some people while lining the pockets of certain others. I hated how that Nigerian sycophancy was rife.
Then feminism came and I hated every single thing but above all, the clear disregard and subjugation of women despite clearly being the ones single handedly keeping the religion alive.
I love being free, I love sleeping in on Sundays, I love having serious sex without the guilt. I loved that I could have a well needed abortion without consulting no fucking priest or being guilt tripped into keeping a baby I didn’t need.
I love being loud and proud. I love being a “heathen” and above all, I love being free.
Nofa
I took this decision because of how the church is a founding grandfather of misogyny. I saw different wicked things being done to women justified by the church. The final straw was Osinachi’s death and RCCG endorsing APC for the election because I used to attend Rccg for like 5 years plus.
Being irreligious has helped my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’m more discerning when it comes to my interactions with men and women. If someone doesn’t align with my values, I don’t get involved with such a person.
My mum was mad at me at first, emotional blackmail and abuse and what not but I stood my ground.
My stepdad and her have concluded that I’m in a cult and I’m a witch because who gave me liver to be audacious and fearless? When I became irreligious, it was really tough initially. I was scared of the dark and “spirit husband” but I had to let go of such rubbish because it was a religiously inclined fear.
For people that are harsh towards irreligious women, I think we should not spare them. We should show them the same level of vitriol they show us.
The reason most women who understand how misogyny and the church and patriarchy go hand in hand but refuse to leave it for the fear of being an outcast is likability and social currency. Recently, a lady cut off from me when she found out I’m irreligious and it made me so sad but I know what I stand for and I’m firm with my beliefs so it didn’t sway. I’ve decentered men to a large extent. I’m okay with being alone and not marrying or having kids. I don’t crave being liked by other people. I have no love lost for men. To get to this point was a lot on my mental health and so I think that if you, as a woman don’t work through these feelings, you will go back to religion if you try to leave.
Another thing that Chief Wendy talked about on Twitter is community.
Most women have a community of friends in the church but I want women to go out – parties, clubs, Libraries, Paint and sip etc. Find a community of women that love you as a person and not because you are religious.
Murna
Honestly ehn,
I don’t even know if I’ll call myself non-religious because I hate religion but I kinda believe in God if I’m being honest. I believe in God, but not just the conventional way if that makes sense. I believe God is life and death, good and evil, everything and nothing, the universe. I believe that we can’t exactly define who or what God is.
One of the things that made me less religious is the realisation that there is absolutely no one true religion. Like religion itself is just an association, humans stick to the one they are born with or the one that resonates more with them.
There’s also the popular belief that God created humans, right?
So are you saying this same God that created humans in all our diversity, (not just language now, but cultural diversity, physical diversity etc.) expects us to come to him through the same way, the same method or channel?
These realisations made me see religion as another social association, if that makes sense.
I also grew up in a very religious home, like my Dad is a Pastor and every morning when my sister and I go to greet him, we always meet him reading his Bible, like always. And the first thing he asks us is how many chapters of the Bible we’ve read?
So it was kinda difficult to see things a certain way and have a totally different belief from the one I was raised in. I guess what helped is that I was always an inquisitive child and my Dad never shut me up when I asked difficult questions. He also knows that I’m as stubborn as he is, so he kind of also raised us to find our own truth. As long as we still believed in God and prayed and read our Bibles, his own is that we should have a relationship with God no matter what happens or what we do or where we go.
For example, whenever I decide to go to Church, I always go to a Catholic church and it’s just because of the music. It’s the music that draws me to church if I’m being sincere and the Catholic way of worship is quite solemn which is practically the way I am in regards to worship.
But my Dad doesn’t like the Catholic church at all. He used to be a Catholic but he left after some experiences he had. But he has never forced me not to go there, he disapproves of it, and he always lets me know. In the end he’s always like: “I pray God opens your eyes”. Still waiting for that to happen btw 😂
At the same time, I have some family members who do not even have any right to say shit about my life condemn me for being less religious or saying certain things and attending Catholic church the few times I choose to go to church.
The way I deal with that is by antagonising them more. I purposely say stuff around that, write “blasphemous” things on my status, dress a certain way, basically act rebellious because the worst thing they can do is talk.
They don’t do shit for me, I don’t do shit for them so basically their opinions don’t matter to me.
The person whose opinion still matters to me doesn’t even react the way they do when I say things or do things he doesn’t agree with.
So, I guess my advice to anybody who is scared of being an outcast based on religious beliefs is to Fuck it, and outcast themselves by their selves, lol. But it’s probably easier said than done.
I still have some thoughts I struggle with. Sometimes when I feel a certain way about God/ Christianity, the deeply indoctrinated part of me tries to shut down the thoughts for fear of “God’s wrath”. But one thing that has kind of being helping me is what my Big Sis/Cousin said to me:
“God that gave you your mind and brain with the ability to develop critical thinking, gave you that for a reason”.
I don’t know if this helps, but it’s what I can say for now. There’s still a lot I’m struggling with and haven’t fully confronted yet.
Lola
I stopped being religious in 2020. I stopped identifying as a Christian, stopped going to church, and stopped praying to “any supreme being”. TBH, I began my life in the church. My leadership, writing and public speaking skills all started from the church.
But the first thing that formed my dislike was hypocrisy. When my family was well to do, everybody liked to relate with us, including priests. My father would donate stuff and money. My family was in the Top 10. When my dad had cancer, everybody began to withdraw. The family got broke and when he eventually died, some people didn’t even remember we were still parishioners.
Also, all the children of the rich were treated differently from those of us who are not from exactly rich homes. My choir director made my life miserable over silly things. Things he didn’t do to the children of the rich who had worse personalities.
Religion contributed to my dad’s death. His blood level was at 12% and the pastor insisted that he doesn’t take blood, because his enemies will use the blood against his health. My dad believed him, so he agreed. He died less than 2 weeks after.
Pastors and spiritualists called my mother a witch and told me to even stay away from her. That was when my gender criticism of religion began, and that was my breaking point. I began to use my gender lens to view everything religion does and for someone who was passionate about feminism, I picked it over religion.
How do I deal with people? My family members have no problem at all. I’ve always been an audacious and rebellious person. Even my mum jokes about it and when the priest says something off in his sermon, she calls me to gist me.
Other people? I really don’t care, but at the same time, except for the usual gasps and looks of disbelief, I haven’t had to deal with anything from outsiders.
Solution to people who give backlash? I just think you shouldn’t give a fuck. Be rebellious. Make your decision and stand by it.
At the end of the day, you’ve got only yourself.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.