We Asked These Women Why They Are Estranged From Their Families And Here’s What We Got

It is often said that family is everything and must be valued over and above any other form of connection. Numerous sermons, songs and movies espouse loyalty to one’s family as one that must naturally happen over whatever friends one has.

However, what if family is the first source of pain? Especially for women? How do women cope with the demands of valuing people who do not respect or regard them?

Or do they simply cut them off and treat them like they do not exist?

Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke with women who are estranged from their families or cut them off to understand the feminist angles behind familial estrangement.

Below are their responses.

Peace

I haven’t been home in over a year. Parents need to understand that there are consequences for treating their children poorly.

My father is extremely toxic. From the first day I started topping my class he never failed to tell me  “Your intelligence won’t lead you anywhere, you will fail in life”. And when I needed more support in school, he said, “I’d rather train a dog than train you”. This is as much as I can say here. 

If there is any woman who is scared of cutting off family, what I’d say is that toxic people are just bullies. Once you stand on business, they cower. They are actually very spineless. 

They thrive on your fear to intimidate you. If you still have to live with them or need their support financially, you’re better off getting it by being very loud and aggressive than being scared. Like I said once you stand, they cower. Pandering never works.

Shy Angel*

I went through an abdominal myomectomy surgery and father didn’t contribute a dime to it. I have stopped talking to him.

My step mom refused to wish me happy birthday this year; this particular habit of hers has gone on for too long. She called me the day after my birthday, I didn’t pick and we’ve not talked since then. I’ve NEVER failed on wishing her on her birthday.

My mom does not know my house, because she bullied me out of her house. Only my siblings do and I warned them not to bring her to my house. We do talk though and I visit her.

Temilorun

In 2020, I made the difficult decision to cut ties with my family for the second time. The first time was a temporary separation, but the second time was a long one. 

After being forced to stay home with them during the two-month lockdown, I was allowed to visit an aunt in Lagos. I wanted to stay back in Lagos and find work, but my parents insisted I either return home or stay with my aunt, despite having my own apartment in Lagos. 

I reluctantly stayed with my aunt, but soon grew frustrated with her strict prayer schedule. Every midnight, she’d lead conspiracy theory-laden prayers that lasted almost three hours, in addition to the morning prayers by like 10am. I suggested adjusting the prayer time to 10/11 pm to avoid us dozing off, but she refused, saying I couldn’t tell her what to do.

As I started missing prayers, my aunt punished me with excessive chores. I asked my parents to let me return to my apartment, but they refused. One day, my aunt confined me to the house until I agreed to her rules. I’d had enough, so I packed my bags and left.

My parents called, texted, and threatened me, but I stood firm. We eventually had a family meeting after my oldest sister asked me to go home, where my father said a lot of hurtful things, and his final words were that we were now strangers in public. My mother remained silent throughout. 

So I left, this time for over a year, squatting with friends and working multiple jobs to get back on my feet.

My parents and I eventually made up in late 2021, but our relationship only improved in 2022 after my father apologized. We now maintain a long-distance relationship, with me visiting home a few times a year.

Omotoyosi*

I’ll be going no contact with my mother in the next two weeks. She doesn’t respect boundaries and it cost me my relationship. Also I just realised that she’s quite manipulative and all the care she gave me was conditional. 

Because the moment I decide to have my own brain and take a decision that’s not hers all hell will break loose. I’m not ready to live by her rules anymore and I’ll be moving out soon. 

They’ve put so much fear in me and my siblings that the thought of living without them is scary but I’m going to do it even in fear.

Fehintola*

When I began to understand myself and the world around me, I started experiencing problems with my mom. On the other hand, my dad and I were not particularly close to begin with. We lived in Lagos and he lived in Niger State. Years after we moved to live with him and this was when we started getting acquainted as a family. 

About seven years ago, my dad’s financial imprudence began to impact our lives severely. He squandered his pension and other resources, leading us into financial trouble. Despite graduating, the financial strain from my academic fees hindered my progress and I had to come up with other means of entering the workforce.

The poor financial decisions made by my dad eventually plunged us into poverty, and we faced continuous debt due to his inability to manage money.

Although we have attempted to discuss his financial behavior with him, he remains unresponsive to these concerns. 

His only achievement is building the house he currently lives in. Our relationship is limited to brief phone calls on weekends and occasional visits to his home, typically every few months.

I have reached a point where I try to maintain emotional distance from my dad’s financial decisions. The impact of his choices on my life has been mentally and emotionally draining. I’ve learned to manage my own life independently and have decided to keep our interactions limited to periodic phone calls and visits. This approach helps me avoid getting too involved in his financial troubles, which I find overwhelming.

For nearly a decade, my relationship with my mom has been fraught with challenges. As I grew into adulthood, the issues became more pronounced, particularly around the topic of marriage, career, children and most importantly money. My mom’s focus was often on finding a partner with financial stability, which led to stress and pressure. Her approach mirrored the same patterns she had followed in her own life, causing me to nearly make similar mistakes. 

Her decisions often seem myopic, self-centered, and selfish, revolving predominantly around her own interests. Our differing values and life goals have created a significant rift between us. We have struggled to cohabitate or engage in meaningful conversations due to our conflicting perspectives. 

Our interactions frequently turn into emotionally charged exchanges characterized by self-pity and emotional blackmail directed at me. This dynamic makes it challenging to maintain a healthy relationship, and I have chosen to limit our contact to avoid further emotional strain. I see her every now and then and we put up a front that gets me through the encounter. 

*Name changed to protect identity