In most parts of the world, it is expected that a woman defines herself by her husband and children. This is such that it is seen as perfectly normal for a woman to abandon lucrative career opportunities and the ability to travel if a potential partner frowns on them.
It is also seen as a negative thing for a mother to talk openly on how she longs for the period where she was single and without children.
However, there are women who have decided to opt out of motherhood totally. These women who are childfree by choice are redefining what a woman’s life can look like outside of following laid down timelines and expectations for women.
Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some women to inquire why they are childfree and their thoughts on motherhood.
Read their responses below.
Raheemat
My decision to live a child free life was a gradual process. When I thought as a woman you must have kids, I used to say I wanted only one and people would look at me weird. Then I realized fuck it. To be child free is a valid choice. I made this decision when I was 18; all my roommates called me weird and said that it wasn’t possible.
The truth is each time I see my parents and other parents with their own children, I realize that motherhood is not something I want. The stress that comes with having kids is so great it’s scary, kudos to all parents.
When I think of how I’ll have to wake up to get kids ready, how I’ll stay committed to them or make certain sacrifices. I just can’t. Call me selfish, I agree.
Once people hear you have made the decision to be child free, they start asking useless questions “Why don’t you want to have kids?”.
Or things like “no man will marry you” and “no one will take care of you when you grow old”. It’s annoying because you have actually thought about it and made that conscious decision.
I have had friends say I’ll change my mind. My family says it’s impossible. My mom specifically says it’s only “gay people” that don’t have kids.
Since people have decided to throw snide remarks at child free people I have also learnt not to explain my decision to them. Everyone will be fine.
The thing I love the most about making a child free decision is that you can make some decisions without considering how it’ll affect the kids. You can literally upend your life, change jobs without the thought of the kids in your head. Cos with kids you can’t just discard them. There’s a certain freedom and allowances of risk.
Jewel
I’ve always known I didn’t want to be a mother. Growing up, I was exposed to pregnancy and childbirth through my mother’s experience while pregnant with my younger brother at age 5; at a young age, I declared I never wanted to be in that position. Infact, pregnant women used to irritate me as a young girl, within me, I will be thinking: “Why is this one pushing tummy upandan?”. Thankfully this has changed with maturity.
Also, reading The Joys of Motherhood further cemented my decision. Now, at age 30, my resolve remains unwavering.
Despite facing criticism and societal pressure, I remain firm. Many have said I’ll change my mind when I meet ‘the one,’ but my conviction hasn’t wavered.
I cherish my child-free lifestyle, valuing the freedom and autonomy it brings. With the world’s current challenges, I believe it’s unfair to bring a child into this uncertainty.
I’m unapologetic about my choice and look forward to undergoing a hysterectomy next year, resources permitting. My decision is mine alone, and I won’t trade this life for anything.
Oluchukwu
About having kids, it’s a 90-10 thing for me. But I know I don’t want them and as I keep growing that decision keeps growing too. I don’t know what to do with children. To me, they are something (for lack of a better word) you hang around with for 2 minutes and return back to the owner. I get bored easily.
I can’t stay in one place forever and I want to travel around the world. I don’t think you can do that with a child(ren). I don’t think I need them mentally. Pregnancy (I don’t have to say too much). I don’t want to die during childbirth.
But if I end up having a child, it’ll be one and I hope it’s a girl.
Precious
For me, motherhood has always been something I saw as a rite of passage. Like schooling.
However, as an adult, I have grown to know myself and I know I do not and would not like being responsible for children for the rest of my life.
When I was younger, I felt I’d have 2 kids max since I had to have kids. But now that I know I don’t have to, everyday, I’m more affirmed in that decision. People have told me several times that I’m still young and would change my mind. But I made the decision at 18, I’m 24 now and I am yet to change my mind.
Maybe I might start craving kids in my 30s like they’ve said, but for now, I am certain I want to be child free.
Aliyah
I don’t want kids. Sometimes I desire kids but if I could grow a baby in the lab I might have a child. But I can’t. And I’m so anti surrogacy like mad. Adopting is cute but I don’t think it’s for me.
When I see my future, the life I want, children rarely fit into it.
I like being a sexual being. Women mostly lose that part of them due to the circumstances that surround having a child and raising them. Can’t imagine not being able to have sex lmfao. Sounds crazy but it’s like a big thing to me said
Also, I am so autistic. Very sensitive to noise ESPECIALLY children crying. I will kill myself.
I refuse to do that to my body. The only pain I enjoy is sexual and I will like to keep it that way.
Rodiyah
Sometimes when I have to babysit my nieces, I think I want children but then I remember how I feel about children, about pregnancy and the fear for my health.
I have this guy that wants us to get married next year (to be honest I’m not keen on marriage right now). I like him well enough but he makes statements like if my parents had my mindset concerning children, I would not be born.
I genuinely hate when people tell me I’m preparing for motherhood for taking good care of my nieces. And anytime I close my eyes and envision my future, I’m walking down a street in New York, wearing winter jackets with a scarf wrapped around my neck going home to an apartment where I live alone with no husband and kids. Also working in a kickass lab. Children never ever feature into my dreams.
To be honest I’m not 100% sure I won’t have a kid much later. But in the next decade? Absolutely not.
Ademiju
Personally I think the whole concept of marriage is highly overrated. I can’t imagine myself sitting in a man’s house right now. Especially with the kind of marriage my parents have. Seeing the way a man can switch up on you and totally mess you up, I honestly don’t crave for such at all.
Also, I feel like having kids is not a fair thing to do. Asides the stress that comes with caring for them, why bring kids into this kind of world? Let them stay wherever they are and enjoy themselves. It’s not worth it to me for real. Giving birth to kids that’d later suffer emotional trauma because of their parents shit is not worth it for real. I believe I’m doing them a favour by not having them.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.