When I think of the year 2019, I think of it as the year that saw my feminism bloom unafraid. This is regardless of the fact that 2019 remains a year I think about because ironically, I was sexually assaulted.
That year though, I spoke up, joined to organise and went for two protests namely #SayHerNameNigeria and the #IStandWithBusolaDakolo protests. The second was done to protest the rape and harassment of women by COZA pastor, Biodun Fatoyinbo.
Now, the protest that happened at COZA will always be memorable for me. In the midst of the shouting and protesting, I remember speaking with Kiki Mordi, a feminist journalist and reporter behind the #SexForGrades documentary. I also remember crying unexpectedly when we were talking.
I cannot remember if it was right there at the protest that I heard words from her that have radically changed my life as a woman. But what I do know, is that when the #SexForGrades documentary came out, she said that it was necessary to hand back the shame of sexual assault from the victim to the perpetrators. She also said that the shame of sexual assault and rape was not on women who had experienced sexual assault to carry.
Each time I am tempted to blame myself for the times when my body was touched, catcalled or on the receiving end of groping, I remind myself that truly, I am not the one who should feel shame. The whole intent of sexual and physical assault is to subdue your voice and make you the woman subdued to a point where you look at your body in disgust and want to hide your voice.
But why is it that sexual assault is that one instance where it is mostly the female victims who receive shaming and blaming? If a man came online to complain about a bad boss or about his house being burgled, hardly anyone blames him for not doing things to avoid the bad boss.
Hardly anyone asks him where he met such a bad boss and hardly would anyone ask him where he hangs out that a bad boss would single him out and manipulate him.
But when women are raped and clearly taken unawares by men intent on belittling them, more attention is paid telling women ways to avoid rape as opposed to setting stricter deterrent serving punishments against the men who do all they can to rape women.
Most societies automatically hold women as guilty and as such must prove their innocence to all and sundry. Even more, shame is directed to women who have been violated. But as Kiki Mordi said, the shame would always be on the perpetrators. To go about as a man thinking of ways to rape or beat, is something that we must actively shame as opposed to streaming the music and supporting the businesses of known rapists.
There needs to be the outcasting of men who rape and assault and not the lackadaisical attitude that much of society puts in the issues that concern women and girls.
Speaking with Dr. Sade, she explained that a good step to undoing the shame would be an adjustment in the language used to talk about sexual assault. She said too often the language is often crafted around a woman was raped or mutilated and is hardly ever that someone raped a woman or mutilated their daughter.
Dr. Sade went further to say: “We need to transfer [the shame] and stop being passive about what happens to women and make it an action word. This is so that people understand that this is something that somebody did to her. Maybe subconsciously we can then start to put the blame where it belongs because it doesn’t just happen. Someone made a choice to do that to her.”
For Rieme, a skincare enthusiast and consultant, she says that the shaming could be because men don’t want to deal with the reality that what they are doing is shameful and so they project it onto women. She went further to say that although she has been shamed and even slut shamed by women, at this point she doesn’t care anymore. The solution to her and a way to heal is accepting that most people who shame are trash and trash must be left to be trash and to truly block and ignore them.
Rieme also said healing can be seen in building a community of people who love you and are a safe space for you.
If we are to see true progress for women who have been on the receiving end of sexual assault, it is imperative that we as a society come together to work against the burden placed on the victims.
That burden must instead be placed on the perpetrators and all who enable them no matter how powerful they are.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
