Although women actively contribute financially to their families, most societies champion men’s financial contributions in a manner that sidelines the contributions of women.
Even more, when conversations on Black Tax, billing culture and breadwinning are discussed, there is hardly any mention of the fact that daughters and wives are also expected to shoulder family finances.
This is even if they may not receive any acknowledgment and still have to do domestic work expected of women. Domestic work that male breadwinners and sons are let go off on the basis of being financial providers.
To get a better understanding of what constitutes women’s experiences with Black Tax and being billed by family members, Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some women to share their stories.
Below are their responses.
Oke
For me, I eased into Black Tax quite easily. As a new graduate, I looked forward to pitching in and just getting stuff done at home without my parents’ interference. It felt really good.
But last year, things changed financially at home and the billings became a necessity and not something I could opt out of. Plus inflation and life just happening, black tax has become an overwhelming part of my life. Being broke became a source of concern and watching my parents feel helpless while I took on stuff they could do easily not so long ago was heartbreaking. Thankfully my parents and family have been very supportive and they try to pitch in for me when they can to ease the burden.
My solution to women taking on black tax for ungrateful family members is to prioritise themselves. Do what you can. Your people will survive. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
A
Since I started working at the age of seventeen, it’s kind of like I’ve always been responsible for myself. And you know it’s great, like my family is to be very honest, the best way to put it is that we are poor. But it’s always been a thing where if you can help out you kind of help out.
Then it kind of just spiralled into me having to contribute to the family in a way that was very breadwinner-ish. And then my dad died and then it became way worse because I had to start actively doing stuff that he would do. And I sent money and other stuff.
I don’t know if this kind of compares but I’m the first born and the first daughter so I don’t know if there is like a man?
There is no man to compare me to because it’s me, my sister and then my two brothers. So it’s not like I’m a twin or anything.
A lot of my Black Tax is because I’m the only person who is earning above a certain amount even to the extent of my extended family. On my mum’s side and even amongst her brothers except one who is abroad, I’m still the one who is earning a substantial sum and I barely even earn anything.
Like a lot of it is just going into carrying weight on my shoulders that I did not ask for.
Diri
Quite frankly, I am used to black tax a lot. I have been paying black tax since I got a good job in 2017. But my experience has been maybe different. First, I am a first daughter and I see it as part of my responsibilities to take care of some bills. Maybe it also helps that my immediate family members have never put me in an uncomfortable position and I have always been encouraged to put myself first.
It has not really affected my finances because what they need I can usually afford without batting an eyelid. However, I only give at certain times and rank the needs too. I just dont open my bank account like that, I still weigh and access. Everyone has been grateful enough and I want to do more (and I will).
So maybe a positive?
Anietem
I’ve been contributing to my family’s upkeep since my mum got separated from her ex husband in 2016. Prior to that, I’d never held a job or worked in any paid form, even though I really wanted to.
I was 16 when my mother left with my siblings and I. I got my first job in 2017 and that was the beginning of me supporting my family because I’d always wanted to work, and of course my mother needed all the support she could get.
I can’t remember how much my first salary was, but I remember that whenever I got paid, I’d buy something for the house and a few toiletries for myself too. Most of the time, I was unable to save my transport and feeding money for the next month of work, so I’d just rely on tips and trek/go hungry whenever I didn’t have. My salary was solely for supporting my family.
Since then, I’ve contributed off and on (because of school), but last year was the year I was able to contribute in a stable way. While I was in school, I worked during every holiday I came back to Lagos, and I contributed with that in addition to some “dash money” I’d receive from family members/friends.
With my immediate family (my mum and siblings), I’d say my experience has been positive because they don’t act entitled to my money. My mother laments about the fact that I’m the one who contributes more than she does sometimes, and she’s also always actively looking for/working out ways to provide more for me and my siblings.
She also often advises me to use my money to take care of myself, because Black Tax was one of the things that impacted her finances negatively.
Apart from that, I’m currently living with them, and there’s no pressure or expectations for me to do domestic chores because they understand how demanding my work can be sometimes. They’re very supportive towards me and my daughter (even financially, when they can), and at this point, we’ve started pooling together resources to take care of certain expenses when we can. My younger brother is older now and earns some money of his own sometimes, so this helps when it happens. My mother’s extended family also don’t really have many expectations from me towards themselves, they just want me to pour all I can for my mother and siblings. And I’d say this is a positive thing, because I’ve seen some situations where extended families are also making their own demands and acting entitled to somebody’s money.
But, I’ve had a very negative experience with providing financially and still being expected to engage 100% in domestic work.
This happened when I was still with my daughter’s father.
Till I left, he never had a stable or concrete job. We’d always agreed that I would continue working when we got married (this was even non-negotiable because I couldn’t imagine anything else), but I was still expected to do my “100% wifely duties”, which of course is a fancy way of saying “submissive provider”😂.
He seemed to contribute a bit (with domestic work) when we first got married and started living together, but that changed A LOT as soon as I gave birth.
I was still in the hospital (a day after giving birth) when I had to resume working. I needed the money (as that guy was relying majorly on family/friends support and gifts) to do even the most basic things. I literally did not go on any maternity break because I needed money ASAP and had to get back to taking gigs. I was working as an assistant designer remotely, and the person I was working with never knew I was pregnant or had just given birth. I just continued accepting the work like everything was okay. And the pay was literally peanuts 😂.
Coupled with the stress of taking care of a newborn without enough support, and lactating issues (plus being body shamed for it by my daughter’s father and his family), I fell into postpartum depression.
Somehow though, I was able to continue working and was accepting some gigs remotely.
I still had to provide financially and less than 3 weeks after I’d given birth, I was expected to be back in the kitchen, as well as other domestic chores. At that point, I felt I had to, because I would be hungry for hoursssss if I didn’t get into the kitchen myself. By then, my mum was no longer with me for omugwo so I had to power through myself. We were also living in my in-laws’ place then, so there was a lot of pressure from them to do my “domestic duties”.
Eventually, we moved to stay on our own, but still without support. While “taking care of the house”, my newborn, and working, I suffered a lot of sleep deprivation, memory loss, all on top emotional abuse.
By the end of that year, I fell seriously ill and battled with my blood pressure for a few days. I was also sacked from a remote job right before this time, because I couldn’t keep up, and the pay cut affected my finances greatly. This also contributed to my blood pressure issues.
Through all of this, I was accepting freelance gigs🫠. I had to, if not my daughter and I would die of hunger. I also had to support my mum and siblings too, because while she wouldn’t tell me, I knew they were struggling so badly.
After everything I’ve experienced and seen, I’d always tell women to PRIORITISE THEMSELVES.
Put yourself first. Put your finances and financial progression/growth first. Anything that will make your career grow/improve, as well as your finances, is what you should actively chase.
If they ask, and you don’t have it to give COMFORTABLY, don’t do it.
Do not ever sacrifice your career progression for anybody. If black tax is stopping you from achieving your goals, no matter what/how little they are (and I know that’s happening with many women), reduce the way you’re giving out that money. That is if you can’t manage to stop it totally. At least until you’re in a better place financially. Nobody will die. And if they do, I’m sorry but maybe it was just time for them to meet their maker 😭.
And also realise that sometimes, black tax (especially when dealing with entitled family members) comes with some financial abuse, so you have to identify it and remove yourself from such abusive situations.
I’ll always recommend “Smart money woman” and “Smart money tribe” by Arese Ugwu, because they helped me navigate this black tax issue.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.