These Women Share The Moment They Knew They Had To Leave A Relationship

One of my favourite quotes on relationships is by Doreen Caven, a designer and feminist blogger. In it, she said: “No one can make you leave a relationship until you decide to”.

There are several things that can make people leave relationships but for women, what constitutes how women leave tends to be affected by gender, socialisation and the idea that women are to be all enduring.

But there is always a breaking point. 

Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some women to find out what that breaking point was for them.

Read their responses below.

TJ

Ahhhhhh, it was when I discovered I had multiple fibroids in 2021. I shared the sad news with the “Supposed LOML” and he was neither sympathetic nor empathetic towards the situation, he literally told me to inform my family about it for them to take care of the situation. 

The veil of love covering my eyes removed instantly and my heart turned to stone towards him, I wasn’t heartbroken, I just stopped loving him immediately. 

He came back last year when I was about to have the myomectomy surgery done in 2024 as an opportunity to redeem himself. I told him to donate his blood as one of the surgery’s prerequisite was to bring two blood donors, he told me that he has never done it before but he’s willing to pay for me to buy blood instead. I told him to fuck off and blocked his ass. 

I waited far too long to dump him. The signs were there for me to see how much of a narcissist he is but I was naive and innocent, now I know better and deserve better and shall only give myself better.

With one of my other exes, it was when he said “what’s so special about women that the world celebrates them every now and then”. I told myself he gotta go immediately and that was it, he could not believe it. He said I went too far by judging him with that statement.

We still talk till date and I eventually realised that he actually hates women. 

The reason why I agreed to date was because we share same ideology concerning marriage – I’m not a fan and he isn’t too, but his was from a place of hatred; he does not want a woman to steal his “imaginative wealth and riches” through marriage.

Abby

I have had like couple of experiences with exes but I will speak from my most recent ex.

I was tired of feeling stupid and making excuses for someone.

I would break my account, stay up late at night while this woman went clubbing, paid her bills from Lagos (she resided in Abuja then), stay up with her when she was ill, ordered food and all but got nothing.

On days when I would fall sick, she won’t check in, she would miss my birthdays and ask me why I didn’t remind her but I had her birthday in my memory, and would start a one week birthday shout out for her.

The distance didn’t even help any of us. It was just one tiny misdeed that made me walk away…maybe I had had enough of her troubles because it really was. She used to say hurtful words like call me silly and mad and I would ignore and apologize but the last time she did that with me, I knew I was tired of being quiet. I told her she was mad and needed clinical attention. Told her as fine as she looked, she couldn’t edit on Ms Word or even convert PDF to Word and always wanted me to fix her CVS or documents.

She called me bitter, I called her a broke ass animal and blocked her before she could respond.

Add to this …I dated a gaslighter who wanted me to stay away from my friends because she was insecure and shit.

But got pregnant and aborted it ….

And would cheat around and apologize and I would forgive.

The time I had to walk away was when she called me a whore because I went to a shoot with my friend and she was oiling my skin for the shoot and made a video of it and posted.

I knew she was loco because how are you having flings with both genders and still have the nerves to call me a whore. 

She would smash things because she thought my friend liked me or she felt someone was flirting with me but she would flirt with both men and women.

Lola

We were seeing a Yorùbá Nollywood movie and the wife was paying back her wicked husband after she got richer than him. I supported the wife and was gassing her up. 

He said that’s why he can’t marry a woman who’s richer than him.

I asked him if I’m richer than him nkọ, he said I can’t even be as rich as he is, not to talk of getting richer. Guess who died after his 30th 🫠. 

Now, I’ll be richer. Dark humour. But he was a “good” man. I cried shege when he died.

Joy

It was 2023, I knew that I had to leave when he didn’t reply to my texts, call or text me back for three days. I had never been so mad, Angel; that was when I knew what the expression to brew in anger meant. And it made me afraid that I had given someone absolute control over my emotions to that degree. 

I was terrified and it wasn’t the first time he was doing that, it was the 2nd time and I had warned him never to do that again. I gave myself time to stew and boil (2 days) in my anger, disappointment, pain and hurt and on the 3rd day I arose like a phoenix rises from the flames. 

I told myself I was never going to give someone that much control over my emotions again. 

I simply got over it and when he called on the 4th day with a flimsy excuse about him forgetting his phone in an Uber for 2 days, and came over to see me with plates of my favourite food cause it was Ramadan the next day…I simply smiled in a way that reflected my freedom and moving on from him. 

The scales around my eyes had fallen, I now saw him for who he was, I wasn’t disappointed, just resigned and resolute. I didn’t even ask for any explanation, I just simply eased myself out of his life and went back to being friends. And that was how I left my dear Angel.

If I could go back and advice myself I’ll say this: “You are a champ Joy and you absolutely deserve someone who wants to be with you all unfettered. Who will be truly finished by the thought of you and so into you and you shouldn’t settle cause that love is just around the corner waiting for you. Stay resolute.”

Abigail

I like to think it was in steps.

The first major one was when I went back “home” after he came to apologise (for packing my things and calling my father that he is sending his daughter back for him to retrain on how to be a wife because I went to visit my aunty) and I got in, changed my dress, went back outside to get a new blade and I slit my wrists all around because I’d rather be dead than continue to live with him, felt like there was no other escape. He came back 9 minutes early.

Second one was after that incident and I was still in the hospital. His mum called me and said “shey oju apa ma wa jo oju ara ni? Owó to je je kí omo mi na ni hospital yi, to ba fun e, shey o mo iye obe to ma a fi se?” (translation: “can a scar ever look like your normal skin? the money you made my son spend in this hospital because you wanted to die, do you know how many pots of soup you would have used it to cook?”). I was just numb.

The last one was him leaving the house for days because he got mad that we went to a party together and I was moving more with my sister rather than him.

No, I didn’t leave after I trued to kill myself. It was just the beginning of what set the tone. And maybe that was foolish, but it is what it is.

Words of encouragement or advice I would have given myself then were “there will be better” and “you have no idea how loved you are, you should see it more. this is not love”.

Anietem

My violent stepfather used to break down the doors in our house. He would bang the doors and then “burst” them open. None of our doors in the house were ever working well. 

We even nicknamed him “Busta rhymes” 😂

So when my ex banged the door in anger, it was clear as day. All the times I’d heard a door burst open like that came flashing back, as well as everything that would happen after the door was forced open. 

I realised weeks later that that was the defining moment for me. I mentally clocked out after that until I left.

If I could look back at myself that period (and before then), I’d tell myself to leave at the FIRST sign of trouble, no matter how tiny. 

I’d also tell myself to not accept things I’ve rejected before. I’d tell myself to trust my intuition more. 

I’d also tell myself to not worry, because as long as it’s me, coming back from all of it won’t be an issue.

Thia

It was in 2023 and it was because of beans. This man put beans on fire and told me to watch it…I swear I don’t know when I slept off.

I woke up when he came home and the beans had started burning small. Next thing he started arguing and hit the tv and it broke. I looked at him.

You want to injure me. Because of beans. 

I packed my bag and left that day, blocked him and never looked back. Abeg before they beat me. 

My advice would be to always put yourself first…he had done awful things before. I just stayed because I was doing lover girl. And men that like beans are red flags.

Wu

I kept getting depressed and couldn’t figure out why. Plus my body had started rejecting him. Then one day, I was thinking about my future and couldn’t picture him in it. I just knew it then.

We ended things amicably afterwards. 

Then some weeks later, he asked me to come to a bar we used to meet at, and got so rude I blocked him and never spoke to him again. That was 8 years ago.

Teniola

🫠🫠 It was raining and I was in their place. I asked for an umbrella to go home but they stayed on their phone and didn’t get one because to them “it’s just rain and it will pass”. I left sha because I needed to get home desperately and I hated their lack of urgency. At that moment, all that was in my head was that my dad would never leave me stranded this way. I blocked them on my way home and just let it go 🤣😭.

If I could look back I’d tell myself how strong I was and maybe even buy myself chocolates. I’m so grateful to myself for doing that 🥹.

Azi

When I teased him because of how he kept saying he did not know how to tie a knot on the back of my shirt. He actually knew but just didn’t want to do it and he kept yelling at me outside on our way back cause I said he was lying. 

I didn’t even know when I broke up with him over text only to find out about being pregnant for my son little Azi much later.

Advice I’d give myself asides Little Azi being my consolation at this present moment? I’ll say: “Big Azi, he’s a loser, don’t consider him.”

Favour

I met this guy in camp but started dating after. He was all sweet and loving until the first time I confronted him about the numerous girls he was sex chatting and the first thing he said was: “What gave you the audacity to go through my phone?”.

The second time was when he didn’t get me anything for my birthday and Valentine’s Day. He said: “I celebrate you everyday. Today isn’t that special”. Mind you I got him gifts for both celebrations.

The third time was in my P.O.P. He broke up with me the day after just because I asked him to come take pictures with me…another time was when he seized the phone he got me and almost injured me…called me names.

The last straw was when he saw my chat with an ex (nothing sexual, just a business transaction was made). 

He broke up and called me an ungrateful person and entitled…destroyed my properties, beat me up and collected every single thing he had ever got me; even the phone. At that point it was as clear as the blue sky that I needed to leave.

My advice to myself is not to lose myself for someone and never let anyone make me feel less.

OA

We had dated for a year with his cheating and all, but I still stayed. He never went out of his way to do anything for me.

After like 1 year and 3 months, I found out I was pregnant. It was the Christmas period. After several missed calls, he eventually picked. When I told him, he just cut the call, gave his phone to his cousin and gave a flimsy excuse that he couldn’t talk(this was when it clicked that I’m wasting my time).

His cousin told me that he was involved in an accident and broke a tooth. I told his cousin the situation on ground and he advised me to keep the pregnancy.

I said No! Planned my fetus deletus and blocked him.

FF

I want to say I’ve always known I had to leave, I didn’t just have the strength for it or let me say I was too attached to him and the idea of what we could be if I just had “patience”.

I started dating him in 2020 and I broke up with him officially last December. 

The first time I knew I had to leave was when he would stay days without calling me or replying to my messages but would have time to post on his status and even receive spams from his friend(how do I know that? Well he posted the screenshots every now and then). Whenever I confronted him, he would tell me I was overreacting and he was busy. 

Second time was when he made out with a “friend” and came back to tell me how he stopped himself from having sex because of how much he cared about me. ,

Third time was when he blocked me for confronting him about standing me up for a date we had. (I called and begged him to unblock me).

Fourth time will be he always broke up with me whenever I was suicidal and came back right after I was doing fine(I have no idea how he always knew when to come back) and he will tell me he was going through a lot and my “issues” were putting too much pressure on him. 

To be honest I could go on and on but what broke the camel’s back was when I went over to his place to spend a month before going back to school because I didn’t want to be home and I checked his phone and found out he had been sex chatting with my “friend” for the past two years till date. 

Now cheating is a very strong deal breaker for me but I was finding it hard to forgive him, I knew I wanted to forgive him but I couldn’t find a way. He had this way of being repentant whenever he wanted me back and it worked for him, only that this time it was hard. 

You’ll think I left after that but I didn’t, the cheating was just the opening of the door. 😂 I finally left when he personally asked me to come over to his place because he saw how stressed I’ve been so I could relax, only for the day I was going back to school and he started complaining how I didn’t clean or cook and all I did was sit and press my phone (I was working). 

He said he wanted me to be more domesticated and that how can we be together if I can’t enter the kitchen and “put one or two things together” And all this conversation took place on our way to the park and then he went ahead to leave me there without even seeing if I got into a car or not.

When I got back to school I told him and after he continued wailing he blocked me and that was when I told myself “Fuck it”. 

I blocked him everywhere blockable. He came back as usual and begged and begged but I was done, it’s only recently he stopped calling me. 

Also, he tried to unlock my phone so many times because he thought I was cheating on him.

What I would have told myself then: “I wish you left sooner”. 

Because he has drained me so much I roll my eyes at the thought of being romantically involved with anyone else.