Every human will at one point in their life deal with feelings of not being good enough, undeserving and what is commonly called impostor syndrome.
For women, impostor syndrome and comparison can show up in different forms; including comparing oneself to more accomplished women on social media amongst others.
However, it is imperative that women have a guide and roadmap to overcoming those feelings when they appear.
In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine asked some women to share how they move on from comparison and impostor syndrome.
Read their responses below.
J
Growing up, I was a timid child. I think part of it came from my personality. My mum once told me I hardly ever cried as a baby, which she found strange because, well, that’s what babies do. She said my teachers also noticed I was always by myself, quiet and withdrawn, sometimes doing nothing in class. They even considered demoting me, but my father refused.
I share this backstory because I truly believe that if I had been handled differently, my childhood wouldn’t have been so difficult. That early mishandling shaped a lot of how I navigate life now, I live with anxiety disorder. It is emotionally exhausting. My parents knew I was different, yet they trained me the same way they did my sisters. But I believe parenting should never be one size fits all. Every child deserves to be understood and nurtured in a way that suits who they are.
As I grew older, I decided that my life belongs to me not to my upbringing. So, I started reclaiming it. I pushed myself to speak to random strangers, volunteered to present in class, and shared my opinions even when my voice trembled. I still struggle every single day with self-perception. But I refuse to make my struggle my identity.
I’ve learned to talk to myself kindly. To give myself grace. To pour the love I crave into my own heart. When I sense myself shrinking, I straighten my shoulders, stand tall, and fake confidence until it feels real. This fight may last a lifetime, but I refuse to make myself smaller.
Some days, I hug myself just to keep going. But no matter how hard I fall, I rise again and again.
I hope women learn to be gentler with themselves. You were uniquely made, and that uniqueness is your superpower. Your existence alone is a miracle. So walk like it. Talk like it. Live like it.
I’ll be rooting for every woman out there and for myself too.
E
I would say the first step is to disconnect from those who contributed to your insecurities and imposter syndrome, you cannot heal in the same place that broke you. If you can’t leave them immediately, stop giving them energy or trying to please them because you will never get their approval. If you manage to leave them, allow yourself to start to feel the emotions you suppressed, there will be a lot of anger and shame not just for them but for yourself because you didn’t protect yourself.
Understand that you did the best you could to survive, and if that meant staying silent, that was the best thing you could have done and you did great. Then tell yourself the truth and repeat it often: it was wrong for them to compare you to people whose temperament and circumstances were different from yours, it was wrong for them to belittle you and attack the parts of yourself you hadn’t learned to love yet and you did the best you could to survive.
You are no longer that child, so you don’t have to wait to be scolded anymore, you can speak up for yourself and walk away from those who would try it now. You didn’t deserve it then and you don’t deserve it now. You are worthy just by being and it was wrong for them to teach you otherwise.You do not need their apology, and you don’t need to forgive them until you’re ready to.
Your emotions around it are valid because what happened changed you and stunted your emotional growth. Also, forgive the people you were compared to, they usually had no control over it and were probably compared to others as well.
The bad habits you have formed from always shrinking did not appear in a day, so give yourself time to reset, it takes years, and the most important thing is to move with self-compassion no matter what because you can’t bully yourself out of what you were bullied into.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.