These First Daughters Share Their Experiences Navigating Family Expectations

Being a woman in any part of the world is not an easy experience. However, certain things can make the female experience an even more difficult one. 

One of such is being a first daughter. First daughters are often raised to put the expectations of other family members before theirs.

This leads to feelings of guilt when they try to center their own needs.

Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some first daughters to share their experiences navigating family expectations.

Read their responses below.

MO

I always tell myself that I’ll be strong, that next time I won’t give in to any of their demands, but just one call from them and I am already thinking twice. 

There was a time I had to choose between sending one of them money and stocking up for myself, and I chose the former because I felt happier sending them money than using it on myself. If you ask me what I use my money for, I can’t account for it. 

Last month, I talked about it with someone, and they suggested budgeting. They said I should set aside a specific amount of money for them, and once that finishes, that is the end for that month. I will try it and see how it goes sha.

Being a first daughter is demanding. Growing up, I had to be the perfect example for my siblings. I had to hide to do things my mom wouldn’t approve of, so she would not see my siblings doing the same and accuse me of teaching them. I had to stand up for them against my dad because my mom is an ardent Christian who doesn’t want to do anything that could jeopardise her “heavenly race.”

Standing up for them meant taking the hit physically, emotionally, and mentally. But it is my cross to bear, so we move 😅😅.

Anyway, one thing I wish I had known earlier is that it is okay to set healthy boundaries. I wish I had taught myself that, as a first daughter, I don’t have to carry everything because it is not my cross to bear. 

I am burnt out now, and that’s why I’ve decided against having my own children. I’ve spent all my life being responsible for people, and I don’t think I have that energy again.

CI

I pay for as many things as I can. Before, I would get into debt but now, I stop when my money stops. My mummy doesn’t even bill me like that, my brother is the menace. He thinks it’s his right to call me whenever and ask for stuff expecting me to have it immediately. These days he knows it’s not going to work. I make more money now but I still don’t have things and that’s ridiculous. These are things I love so it’s heartbreaking to live like I can’t afford them. 

I’ve always tried to be the perfect child. Never been domestic but I’ve done my best in every other area. I didn’t want to be bad influence so I shrank. Made myself believe I didn’t like the things I liked. Tried so hard to stay pleasing everybody else. 

One thing I wish I knew earlier is that families usually have a saviour. The one person to carry their burden. That’s usually the perfect child. Every other person is excused from so much. I’ve decided that I’m also just a girl and I deserve grace. I wish I knew the world wouldn’t crumble if I tried out a few things I liked. That I wouldn’t be loved more for sacrificing so much and nearly losing my mind in the process. I wish I knew that my mummy didn’t think less of me on days when I wasn’t good enough. Also, I wish I understood how to NO and prioritise myself. 

My darlings, learn from your siblings. If I had known, I would have picked up my sister’s behaviour earlier on. If you’re incapacitated today, your family will struggle but they won’t die. Everybody will suddenly find ways to get by. I’m easing nicely into a bad bitch. I’m also getting two shoes today (big win for me).

P.S

I’ve found out that dating the most responsible son is tough. It’s easier to navigate firm boundaries when you’re with someone who isn’t obligated to do anything for anybody. Watching them rubs off on you slowly. You see first hand how easy life can be if you have a few rules.

EV

I am a first daughter, I am 13 years older than my sister and 22 years older than my brother. They basically see me as their big aunt 😆

I don’t have compulsory family expectations but when I started working, I drop ‘something’ for my family.

Currently, I pay my brother’s school fees because my dad has retired and I wanted to remove that burden from him.

I wish my dad communicated more about his plans for after retirement because it’s giving I am his retirement plan.

Every month I send money home. I don’t see it as a huge burden because somehow, my family appreciates the assistance. Whenever they text me with their demands, if I have money, I solve it, if I don’t, I let them know I don’t have and nothing will happen but if it’s something important, I add to my to-do list to be solved when I have money.

My advice to other first daughters is to take it easy. Treat yourself to good things because the day you don’t send any money home, your family will find a way to survive.

JJ

The first thing I learned at an early age, around 10 years old, was that being the first daughter and the first child meant I wasn’t put on this earth for myself. I was here for others: my parents, my siblings, even extended family members. For a very long time, I played that role religiously, losing myself in it. What made it even harder was realizing that my mom, also a first daughter, was living out the same script with her own family.

I was the first daughter who never traveled for holidays because someone had to look after my siblings while my mom was busy at the market. My mom, being the first daughter, was the one who cared for her parents whenever they were sick. Since that responsibility often fell on her, and she wasn’t always around, it naturally shifted to me. I became a caregiver too, so much so that whenever my grandparents came around, I couldn’t hang out with my mates because, again, who else would take care of them?

I’m the daughter, cousin, and niece everyone calls when they need help. It doesn’t always involve money, but I know that once I start earning well, it will extend to finances too, because I’m always just one call away. And when I do choose not to help, deciding instead to let people sort out their own mess since I sort out mine, guilt creeps in.

I’ve become so dependable, so reliable, that it has worn me out. Now it even affects how I see intimate relationships. Every day, it feels like everyone’s problems are stacked on my shoulders. So when I look for a partner, it’s often with the hope of finding someone I can finally lean on. But the moment I sense that you can’t play the role I play for everyone else in my own life, I walk away.

Some days, I don’t even know myself anymore. I can’t tell if I’m simply the “first daughter” or if I’ve become a full-blown people pleaser. Maybe I’m both. I just hope I get to figure it out soon.

So, my advice to first daughters: please, learn to put yourself first. Learn to accept that you don’t always have to fix everything or solve everyone’s problems. Try, before you find yourself where I am right now.

ML

As a first daughter, I’ve learnt to switch off the “first child burden” as quickly as possible because I’ve always prioritized myself. There are days when I think about my siblings a lot and want to be there fully, and other days when honestly, I don’t care; because no be me you go kill. 

I understood from a long time ago that I don’t have to act like the first born at all times. People have said I can be such a last born and every time they say it, I always feel giddy because it means I’m doing something right.

Thankfully, my parents also ease off the burden, which makes things lighter, they’re fully responsible for their children even though I’ve had to parent my siblings so many times too. I just hope it never shifts into the negative side of being a first child where I’ll feel completely weighed down.

My advice to other first daughters is simple: don’t lose yourself to the role. Know when to show up for your family and when to show up for yourself because both matter.

BO

I was an only child for the first 11 years of my life, so I try to draw on that “spoilt brat” attitude to navigate life as a first daughter. In short, I no too send like that. 

I try sending monthly money home now because I live with my paternal aunt for free, so at least I can let that go –  and I also want to support them because it’s actually not easy.

As a first daughter, stay selfish and as wicked as you can because humans?? They’ll set you on fire and complain the warmth is insufficient. Torh.

PN

How do I navigate family billing? Actually I don’t have a particular pattern or something. I just say when I can and say no when I don’t have.  Although sometimes I don’t give some bills, not because I don’t have but because they seem absurd.  

I wish I rebelled earlier than I did, it would have saved me from a lot.  

My advice to other first daughters is to rebel very early, stand your ground, choose yourself always, give your family distance too, distance helps you choose and take care of yourself.

JE

I wish I knew earlier that what I said or did didn’t matter as much, especially because I have brothers.

Looking for their approval or people pleasing would only wound up with them asking you why you made those compromises so it’ll be easier on your other siblings.

BE

First, a warm hug for all first daughters. You are not alone. 

I am a first daughter with just one sibling and my widowed retired mum. Money was always tight for as long as I can remember but my mother tried for as long as she could to keep up with the allowance she used to send when I was in school. It stopped in 200l when I got a scholarship that carried me through the rest of Uni. I was industrious even just after I finished secondary school so when I started earning that scholarship money, I started a shirt business in school too. After school and after my mother retired, things became harder. My younger brother was in my DMs a lot. I was literally just trying to get by. To be honest, we’re still trying to get by. 

My mum worked as a teacher in a delayed state and it took five years for them to start paying her pension. Five whole years. I gave testimony in church when they started to pay this year because it felt like a weight had been lifted. 

Navigating this was tough. Every tiny earning I made had a budget for my family. And to an extent I found myself in debt. I still haven’t finished paying for it. But the good thing so far is, I’ve grown in my network and most problems I can have people solve instead of just throwing money at it. 

I’ve also learned a valuable lesson that I’ve started preaching to everyone. Not just because I sell private pension plans but because I’ve seen first hand what waiting on government pension plans can do. I now champion the idea of starting today in small ways to ensure that when people turn 50, 60, they can freely live their lives. Retirement isn’t just about money, it’s about financial freedom in old age. And being a first child who has seen what this did to my mum, taught me this lesson. 

I’m grateful that in all of this, my mum is alive and well. And things are getting better.

IM

Hi, first daughter and first born here. 

Having to choose between being the child and a sibling or to be the second parent as expected was something that was a hard choice especially when you hear words like “nobody sent you” or “it is expected that”.

I wish I knew how to say no earlier, and how to set boundaries but I kept thinking of what people will say, or how it is expected that I am supposed to.

I also wish that I learnt that loving my family doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice myself because it changes how dynamics work, whether every call from your sibling is down to your finances or helping them out of situations they shouldn’t have put themselves inside.

My advice will be: you first at every one time. Yes, to be the first is a call to leadership, but think of you first.