If there is a movie that more African women need to watch then that movie is definitely Love,Sex and 30 Candles which features South African actresses like Amo Chidi.
Based on the book by Angela Makholwa, the movie explores themes like friendship, self development, aging and issues of domestic violence.
Without giving too many spoilers in the movie, one of the things the movie made me more aware of is what is described as “spiritual abuse”. In the movie, a lady’s fiance made her stop doing what she loved, being with her friends and even planning her wedding to her taste.
He did this because he felt that a wife of his had to be properly aligned with what his church’s standard of a wife should be. He also involved violence when he found out she was not a virgin and denied her sex even when they were married. He also was ironically cheating on her with the pastor’s wife.
There are numerous forms of abuse and forms of violence that attack women’s wellbeing and personhood. But one form of abuse that is hardly spoken about is when religion is used to strip women of agency, autonomy and the right to self determination.
Nigeria is a country that is heavily religious like most African countries. What this means is that religion often plays a major role in the way societies are set up and the way “proper” behaviour is determined.
Spiritual abuse can be defined as the use of religion to abuse or cause harm to someone and to alter their behaviour in ways that strip them of agency. It is often coupled with other forms of abuse like physical abuse and financial abuse.
It can look like a husband blaming his wife for his financial downfall and ascribing it to her being a “witch”. It can look like a family member recommending multiple prayer houses incessantly for a woman who has fertility issues.
Spiritual abuse can also look like pastors sexually abusing women in their congregation under the guise of helping them find a solution to their marital problems.
What it can look like too is pastors subjecting women to degrading activities like bathing naked in front of them so as to heal from postpartum depression and other mental illnesses.
And why is that? Why does any of this exist? Why is there not more questioning of the role that religion plays in the abuse and degradation of women?
Why don’t we have days set aside to honor the women who have died due to physical abuse and mental manipulation in the hands of a religious man or pastor? What potential of women has the world lost due to doctrines like submission which has seen women give up jobs and careers so as not to slight their husband’s supposed authority as the head of house?
How do we move on from sexism if men are seen as divinely superior to women?
Speaking with Angel, she explained that some women may be going through spiritual abuse and may not even know that it is what they are encountering.
In her words: “First of all, I doubt many women even know that spiritual abuse is a thing, because they’ve been taught in religion to believe that the woman is “lesser than the man”. Sometimes it’s through analogies that depict the man as the “head” and the woman as the “neck” or it’s the insistence on “submission” to your “head”.
(This just reminded me of a post I saw a so-called male friend make. It was one woman who said something along the lines of “As a young woman who is ready to get married, you have to be ready to submit, call him your king and leader”, etc. I was so disgusted and also felt sorry for his current serious girlfriend that they’re planning to get married🥲). I’ve been a firsthand witness to how much damage spiritual abuse can do.
My mum was slowly (or maybe not so slowly) stripped of her earning power and dignity because she married my stepdad and he decided she had to stop working. My mum had joined our church about 5 years before that and of course they’d been drumming it into her head that she needed to settle down.
So when she finally settled for my stepdad and he made his demands, church leaders of course still asked her to agree because he was “the head of the house”. And she had suddenly been conditioned to do the right thing and listen to her leaders.”
She continued by saying: “Some of her family members still call it jazz till today😂 but me and her know what it was. She was trying so hard to be the “submissive wife” so she could keep the peace like the church leaders had advised. This was someone who grew up in Ajegunle by the way, and is one of the most daring women I’ve ever known. But when it came to this man’s abuse, she listened to the scriptures about turning the other cheek, because that is what they said it meant in the Bible.
So she suffered abuse for 10 years. He tried to kill her (and me too) about 4 times at least. The church leaders were aware of EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT. There was one that happened with them right there, where he held a knife to her throat and she was bleeding profusely. But they just stood aside, while saying: ‘Brother Kelvin please forgive her for the Lord’.
Thankfully she got the courage to take us out about 8 years ago. She’s taken us away before, but she always went back because she didn’t have the financial resources to sustain it. When she made up her mind those years ago, she still didn’t have the financial resources, but she did it anyway. Because it was either that or lose any or all of us in that house.
Somehow, she still got comments about them “sorting it out” from who else? The church😂 They eventually got tired sha.
But in my opinion, all of this stems from the idea that women are “lesser” beings, and once they’re married, their “head” can do to them as he likes. It’s a disgusting idea, and one cure I see is for women to free themselves of that ideology. And also surround themselves with people who don’t believe it. Because it’s one thing to not believe it, but to be in a gathering where it is implied or said outrightly EVERYDAY.
Also, I know we say this all the time, but African women REALLY need to stop putting men at the center of everything they do🫠
Your “head” can’t be someone who doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things in your life. If the law were also effective, it would be a great help. Because even if you choose to forgive the abuser, they should still face the consequences of their actions. Like “I forgive you oo, but you will do jail”. And it’s easier to prove some of these things that may not have physical evidence if the victim realised what was happening and documented it.
Which brings me to my final point, for EVERYONE to know what the different forms of abuse look like and be able to identify when it’s happening.”
The truth is that just because something is tagged “The Word of God” doesn’t mean it cannot be harmful.
As much as we respect the right of people who want a faith, it is important that we criticise doctrines and beliefs that strip even non-religious women of their agency.
It is important that we remember that misogyny is not God made and is instead man made.
If it is man made, it therefore means that the same humans can introduce ways of living that do not align with harmful rhetoric.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.