The Gendered Angles of People Pleasing: These Women Share Their Stories

In the world we live in, it is normal to want acceptance and validation from those we love and even from our superiors in the workplace.

However, if one is not careful, this need for validation can lead to acts of people pleasing and a fear of confrontation.

In women, the need to please everyone can take on a darker look because women as a group are generally raised to sacrifice our true desires on the altar of validation.

This leads to women staying in situations that do not serve them and being someone who is more or less a doormat.

In our latest listicle, Urban Woman Magazine recently asked some women to share their stories on people pleasing and what it has been like in their lives.

Read their responses below.

Eni

I’ll say it’s the upbringing.

I can’t remember who, but sometime ago someone spoke up about her baby girl apologizing for every single thing, even for something she’s not guilty of. 

Now, as a mother, she’s been able to pick that and instantly wants to rectify it because in the long run it leads to what we all know as people pleasing

I said upbringing because it’s what you teach a child from day one that they’ll continue with till they grow. 

While some parents might not intentionally infuse that habit, culture and religion kind of have parts to play in it and we all know how serious those two are important to an average African parent.

Personally, I didn’t realize it was a thing till I got to uni and had the greatest realization. 

I don’t think we know the extent of the dangers of people-pleasing. You lose your entire identity. 

This isn’t even just about saying no or confrontation.

Being a different person for different people becomes a norm.

And eventually if one way or the other, you have the chance to break out of it, sometimes, you still find yourself putting others first in a situation where you’re supposed to put yourself first. 

For boundaries, I’d say as you grow, set realistic ones. It could be as little as maybe in your work place, start saying no to things that you don’t like, or correcting people who call you a certain name. 

Gaining confidence through these little goals will give room for you to set higher goals and at that point it won’t even seem like a big deal to achieve.

Anietem

I believe upbringing has a great influence on how most women can’t say no. 

It stems from little things like being forced to accept things you don’t want from family members, being told not to shout “because you are a girl, and girls shouldn’t be difficult”, or even growing up hearing things like “Women have to be soft spoken and easy going” yada yada yada. 

To be able to say no and not be a people pleaser, you have to be assertive. And being assertive is something that is discouraged by all these things they do and say to young girls. Some of these things are also heavily encouraged and promoted by certain parts of religion. But that’s a whole other discourse for another day. 

Also, sometimes it also stems from the abuse a lot of parents abuse their children, in the name of “training them right”. I for one have been able to trace where my people pleasing came from, and I realised it was something I was taught to do to “pacify” my mother’s  abusive husband. Being forced to say yes when I wanted to scream HELL NO!. 

I am not a quiet, timid or even humble person. But for a large part of my formative years, I was forced to be that person, and it’s been a whole journey trying to break free from that faux personality i was forced to adopt. 

I have been in plenty deep shit because of the fear of confrontation. So many many many that I can’t even start to count, and I’m only just learning to give myself grace AND stand on business. 

One very funny result of enduring nonsense because of a fear of confrontation was when I was dating this guy. He used the silly “blue balls” line on me. Told me that I’d caused him to have blue balls and they were so painful that he recovered hours later after going to a pharmacy for drugs😂😂😂😂😂 He said if I didn’t want him going through such pain again, i had to choose between us having sex or me not visiting him anymore. Because just the sight of me turned him on so bad😂😭

I was so amused by this, because I obviously knew it was a lie. Back then, I didn’t even know it was a trick guys used, but I knew it was a stupid lie. 

Even as I knew that though, I never called him out on his bullshit. I went on with him because I didn’t want the argument that it would cause, and tbh, I didn’t have a strong reason for being celibate. I also actually wanted to fuck. But thinking about it later on, I realised that I should have at least shamed him and called him out for trying to insult my intelligence with such a lie. I studied biology fgs!!!!

That’s just the funniest one I can think of. There are many more that were not even funny at all, and resulted in me being depressed or considering suicide once or twice, when I realised how my inability to say no was suffocating me. 

As a recovering people pleaser, I will say this:

NOBODY WILL DIE IF YOU SAY NO. 

When you’re asked to do something (whether directly or it was implied), take a step back and question how it really really makes you feel. And be brutally honest with yourself. 

Learn to question yourself, your beliefs, EVERYTHING. Always question things, and trust me, your answer will come from there. 

And I suggest surrounding yourself with some “wicked feminists” too. Surround yourself with “wicked” babes in general. Because when you want to do that stupid thing because you can’t seem to say no, they will remind you what self preservation is. And I hope you listen to them. 

It will be hard oo. I won’t even lie. Especially if it’s something that you’ve been doing for so long. Learning to say no or revise somethings asked of you, will make your stomach churn and your heart beat quite fast. 

But you will be fine, and you will become better at it until it’s your default reaction/answer. 

Today I posted that I wanted to go out on a beach or spa date soon, and some random guy responded “Let’s plan one”. I haven’t even met this person before. When I told him “I was talking about a solo date. I don’t want to go out with you”, it felt like I had just killed the devil himself🤣

It might seem small, but for me it’s great step. Because there are versions of me in the past that would have laughed with him or some shit like that. I was happy that my first reaction was annoyance at why someone I barely knew assumed that I would want to even go out with him. 

This is another reason I’m looking forward to being 30+ and beyond. The way women in that era do not give a shit makes me so happy.

MJ

Hi,  

This is such an important topic, and I’m glad you’re covering it.  

I think a lot of women grow up being conditioned to be agreeable, nurturing, and accommodating. From childhood, many of us are taught, directly or indirectly, that being liked is a form of social currency, and saying “no” threatens that. Religion, culture, and even media reinforce this idea, making it difficult for women to prioritize themselves without feelings of guilt. There’s also the very real fear of backlash, especially when dealing with men, because a simple “no” can escalate into anger, shame, or even violence and it can threaten the life of a woman. 

Yes, I’ve seen women, myself included, stay in uncomfortable, even harmful situations just to avoid conflict. It could be anything from tolerating disrespect in the workplace, staying in draining friendships, or feeling obligated to entertain advances just to “be nice.” The fear of being labelled difficult, rude, or ungrateful often outweighs personal discomfort.  

As a recovering people pleaser, I’d tell women this:   

1. *No is a full sentence* You don’t owe anyone a justification for setting boundaries.  

2. *Discomfort doesn’t mean danger.* The guilt or anxiety you feel after saying no will pass. Girl, it’d pass.

3. *You will not die if someone is upset with you.* Their disappointment is not your burden.  

4. *Choose yourself.* If you don’t, others will choose themselves at your expense.  

5. *Practice small nos.* It gets easier with time.  

I’d love to read the final piece when it’s out!  

Best,  

A Woman Who No Longer Smiles Through Discomfort.

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