When I think of easy to read feminist texts, the works of the Nigerian writer Chimamanda Adichie come to mind. One of my favourite feminist books from her has to be Dear Ijeawele or A Feminist Manifesto In Fifteen Suggestions.
In it, she shared with a friend fifteen suggestions on how the latter could raise her newborn daughter to be a feminist and to live shame free in a sexist world.
In one of the suggestions, I remember Ms. Adichie told her friend to be open about discussing issues like sex and sexuality to her daughter. She also suggested that this was to be done without shame. Furthermore, Ms. Adichie went on to compare the views of sex and sexuality of women in modern America and Nigeria.
She said that in modern America, women are raised to present themselves in a sexy manner even when they don’t feel like living up to the body standards of video vixens.
However, according to Ms. Adichie, although women in America are raised to present themselves in a sexy manner, it often exists for the male gaze because they are seen as objects to be ogled by men. That and how the very women raised to fit the description of sexy by American standards, face incredible backlash should they show that they too like sex and are unafraid of centering their pleasure without shame.
In speaking of the way women’s sex and sexuality is viewed in Nigeria, in interviews promoting the manifesto, Ms. Adichie said that it was a blanket rule for “good” women not to be sexy and not to be sexual.
While I agree with Ms. Adichie, I have to add that patriarchy being the scam that it is, still shames women in Nigeria who are not “hot”, “sexy” and are “prudes” especially when their husbands cheat on them with women who match the “slay queen” stereotype.
But why are women shamed for being sexy and sexual? Why is it seen as shameful for even married women to speak publicly about their sex lives even when speaking about sexual and reproductive health disorders like vaginismus and PCOS?
Even more, what makes it terrible for a woman to publicly declare that she likes sex with her husband or anyone really; this even in a country like Nigeria where publicly married Nigerian male musicians are comfortable enough to speak about chasing women and the beauty of newly discovered sex styles on women clearly not his wife?
It is not only in music and entertainment that this incredible double standard is seen. One only has to look at societal responses to cheating and sermons in churches to understand that there is a deep shame associated with women’s sexuality even when done “ethically” i.e married.
For instance, in churches, it is not unsual for male Nigerian pastors to boast about how God blessed him with a “virgin” wife as a reward for turning away from sin. It is also not unusual for this same pastor to go into sexual details including his wife and ex sexual escapades to cheers and laughter from his congregation.
It is also not unsual for people on social media to act like a father’s cheating is all banter. I actually remember a thread where people shared how they found out their dads were cheating and it was met with howls and bants.
Yet, I can assure you that those same Nigerians would look on in disgust should a woman even share how she touched herself as a teen or how she and her husband use sex toys to enhance their sex life. It would be a case of “too much information” for her but “boss man” when her pastor husband shares his own.
Again: Why are there double standards for women and men when it comes to sex and sexuality?
Speaking with ES*, she explains that it is because women are seen as tools for other people’s sexual gratification that makes us get shamed.
In her words: “Women are shamed for being sexual beings because in the eyes of this misogynistic world, women are not fully seen as people but tools for sexual gratification.
That’s why sex workers are greatly patronised but still demonised. A solution will be a reorientation, although I don’t know how possible that will be. Orientation from the reproduction classes we have in primary school and healthy teaching from the family and school unit for both boys and girls.”
For Rieme, a writer and skincare enthusiast, she says that it can be due to the fear of the power women possess in childbirth, that makes us get shamed.
To quote her: “I think that women are shamed for being sexual beings because sex is powerful. Sex is a very magical thing and so the patriarchy seeks to be the controlling of sex, sexuality, life, children and all that stuff.
And they want to do this without them having to take responsibility for what comes of this; this is why you see men so easily beg the women to give birth to their children and once the child is here they abscond.”
Rieme went on to say: “They want all the benefits but no responsibility and I won’t say all men but hundred percent Black men, a lot of them work like this and you can see it in all the data points. So I think that there’s a lot of reverse psychology going on in order to kind of triangulate women in particular into giving up their power which is sex, sexuality and being the portal in the spiritual realm through the physical, and being those who decide who gets to be on Earth.”
The fear of women’s right to shame free sexuality often gives birth to practices like female genital mutilation and to sexual disorders like vaginismus which both affect women even in socially approved institutions like marriage.
It is therefore important that more efforts are made through shame free sex education to ensure that women’s bodies and sexual desire are not viewed through the lens of shame or disgust.
Name changed to protect identity
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
