On “Nice Guys” and Spotting The Benevolent Sexism Of “Good Men”

One of my favourite Nigerian feminist novels remains Everything Good Will Come by award winning playwright and novelist Sefi Atta. 

It explores the friendship between two women and their struggles in marriage, father-daughter relationships, divorce and disinheritance experienced by widows in Nigeria.

In the novel, one part that sits in my mind’s memory was the part where the main narrator wrote about how her husband was considered a good man and how “the so called good ones were the worst”. What made this husband considered a “good man” you may ask? 

It was because he did not beat her, went to work and put on a show of helping her when the friends in their estate came around.

Now, this was even though he gave her incredible silent treatment when she was pregnant after years of both of them trying for a child. 

This was because she wanted to speak up more against the military government that locked her father up. This so called “good man” also gave her silent treatment, mentioned how he paid her bride price and ordered her about in the kitchen to get him food both when his family members were visiting and when they were alone.

I have provided this backdrop to show that regardless of if a man is touted as a “nice guy” or a “good man”, his sexism however minimal or benevolent is bound to pop out at some point. It can show in these men expecting to be praised because their best friend is a woman; even though he listens to misogynistic rap songs and occasionally calls women slurs like “bad bitches”. It can show in these “good men” thinking that they are above criticism and have the right to insult women who still are learning to navigate the sexism imposed on them. 

These “good men” see themselves as doing women a favour for not beating or raping and forget that they too benefit from the actions of violent men and systems that elevate men to the status of demi gods.

Moreso, why is it that the definition of a “good man” is simply down to a man who does not flaunt his rights to be an asshole? Why is it that being a decent human who does not beat, rape or cheat on women is seen as something worthy of incredible clapping and praise? 

Ask men what a good woman is and it would not have anything to do with a woman who beats, cheats or rapes them. If anything, a “good woman” will more or less be the woman who slaves away, does not drain their purse and is willing to suffer and build with them.

What happened to actual values like being all round supportive and kind to the people a man encounters throughout his life? 

What happened to calling out these “good men” who simply pay lip service to feminist causes while being full time practicing misogynists and gaslighters to the women in their lives?

Speaking with Eboseremen, a writer and bookseller, she shared her experience dating a self proclaimed “good guy” and how she views such men.

In her words: “I have a personal belief that if the only people who think a guy is “nice or good” are: 

– himself.

– a handful of his closest friends (male/female) who tend to behave like him.

– and even whoever he is dating.

then he is NOT a good or nice person.”

She went on to say: “I dated someone like that and it did not take me too long to realize that these were the worst kind of guys. They are nice so you get comfortable and once you do, you realize they are shitty people. 

They are largely very entitled, veryyyyyyy misogynistic, really believe the world revolves around their head and hateee women or even men who say otherwise. 

This man would be nice to a woman and when it was just us call them unprintable things. He would ask me why I could not be like so and so and then claim that he liked that I was a “good girl”. To these same women though, he was such a ‘nice guy’. So nice and helpful.”

For Tolulope, a designer, writer and founder of Mamere, she believes that part of the rise in self proclaimed “good men” is because women are getting wiser about the ills of misogyny. 

To quote her: “It is because women nowadays are learning to run from the violence of their misogyny. So they dress it up and give the vibe of wolves in sheep’s clothing. 

Also, I think they like to hide under the cover of these things to get women that won’t typically go for their type. Women who won’t typically need partners to fulfill society’s idea of a male’s role in a relationship.”

Speaking with Rieme, a writer and skincare enthusiast with Omose Skin, she calls it a facade because good people don’t have to shout that they are good.

In her words: “It’s an affectation and facade. Good people don’t have to claim to be good. The “good men” who do this, do it to get the benefits of being a good person via mouth service, without actually having to cultivate goodness within themselves.”

To affirm the words of Rieme, a good man shows his “goodness” in how kind he is to women. Rather than announcing endlessly and using the cloak of the “good man” label to cover up bullshit, a man’s good is judged not by how he treats respectable women but instead by if he respects women who don’t fit into the stereotypical roles of wife and mother.