There are some memories that remain etched in my understanding of how insidious, cunning and deeply heartbreaking violence against women is. These are personal memories that try as I might, they come up at unexpected times and remind me that practically all women carry trauma from gender based abuse as part of our daily lives.
In one of them, I was in university and I was groped by someone I believed to be a friend and I had the courage to report him to the relevant authorities. At first, they acted shocked and seemed to stand by me in my decision to ensure he was expelled.
After a while, they began victim blaming me and asking questions that made it seem I played a role in what he did.
It was however the bullying me to forgive him that was the most heartbreaking experience. They asked me to imagine if it was my brother who did that and to imagine if I wanted my brother to be expelled.
Let us, if we can, forget the horrible inhumanity of asking a woman who has undergone groping to imagine the perpetrator as her kin. Let us, if we can, ignore the irony of telling men not to grope because she could be his sister and yet telling women to protect the interests of perpetrators as though they are one family. Let us, if we can, forget the absurdity and utter lack of common sense that is patriarchal thinking and logic.
Why is there an insistence that women who have undergone assault, groping and molestation must forgive those who have hurt them? Why is there a need to convince women that forgiveness is the only path to healing from assault and that the rage they feel is something to hide and be ashamed of?
To tell a woman to forgive that who has violated her is to wreck on her a second round of violence. It is to place the responsibility of his redemption, freedom and rehabilitation into society to assault some more on her shoulders. It is to convince her that she would only be free from the demons of his actions if she frees him to further assault more women. And why the fuck is that?
Why is women’s righteous anger and indignation at the violence we encounter framed as one which is merely the buzzing of discordant bees? Why is a woman’s pain merely a footnote in a man’s redemption story? What or who does it benefit when forgiveness is demanded as the right of those who assault and yet crafted as the benefit of the person doing the forgiving?
To get a better understanding of the harm that is asking women to forgive abusers, I solicited the opinions of a few women. Below are their responses.
MO
For me, instead of “bullied”, I’d say people tried to convince me of how important it was to “forgive” him so I’d have a ‘shot at healing’.
I’m telling you I want to see someone dead, you’re telling me that it’s unhealthy to carry ‘such anger’ in my heart as if throwing away the anger is somehow supposed to cancel out knowing my body was disregarded in such a sickening manner.
And I’m so mad that the first approach isn’t always “let me help you get justice”, it is “do your own part and forgive”.
JE
When I was physically assaulted and sexually harassed by a male neighbour in 2023, and had him arrested for what he did, I was bullied and threatened to forgive him by his family members, his ex wife – she’s also a victim BTW, his Pastor, a Babalawo, the DPO involved in the case.
It was crazy. ☹️
GI
Insisting women forgive tells that nothing happens to the people who do this, and it is less of an offence since it goes unpunished, which in turn leads to more records of it happening, and women getting harmed just to be asked to forgive.
Rape is a crime; it should be viewed and treated as such. Offenders should be punished and the punishment should be unbiased, clearly stated, and known so people are warned against committing it.
NY
I don’t even believe in forgiveness. So let’s first start there.
For me, it’s either something I can ignore or I can’t. I still don’t understand the concept of forgiveness, infact I think it’s bullshit.
When you harm a woman sexually in a way that has deep lasting effect, you don’t deserve anything like forgiveness. Depending on the offence, you deserve isolation, execution or something inbetween.
If women and children’s safety were prioritised by society and men knew that if they were ever caught or even rumoured to have committed any sexual crimes, even the “light” catcalling, they’d be isolated by everyone (both men and women), sexual crimes would reduce drastically.
Anyone asking a woman who has suffered any sexual harm to forgive the perpetuator deserve to endure the same thing she suffered. Let’s see how forgiving they’d be.
It’s so easy to make such requests when you’re not the one suffering.
I also detest that statement, “if not for him, at least forgive him for your sake. It’ll give you peace of mind” mtcheww.
Asking her to forgive is making light of the matter, like it’s some minor offence that can be ignored, something like someone stepping on you.
I believe people who do this do not want to sit in the awkwardness of the situation, dedicate time and effort to a likely battle, disrupt “some status quo” (like family relationships) or let go of some benefits they are receiving from the offender.
It’s easier for them to move past it than to deal with it.
~
The reality is that if forgiveness was the best way to solve abuse cases, we would not have cases of abuse or abuse victims transferring the anger and trauma to even their own children.
Forcing women to forgive men who have assaulted them is an injustice against women as a collective.
Until we recognise it for the blatant disregard of women’s pain that it is, we will never be able to move on to more holistic approaches and solutions.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.