I was raised Christian. I always mention that I was raised Christian because although I no longer practise the faith, my family background in Christianity inspires most of my thinking on feminism and women’s rights.
When I was coming into my own as a self identified feminist, one major area I had issues with and still find problematic is the way the church handled and preached on issues of domestic violence, rape, divorce, forgiveness and healing. I have been in churches where abortion and divorce where preached with such hate filled venom.
But at the same time, these pastors mounted the pulpit to shout and instruct parents to take their daughters who were raped and pregnant to abort regardless of if she wanted the child.
One particular area I still have issues with is the manner in which the church and religion bullies women into forgiving their abusers. In more modern Nigerian churches, the forgiveness of abusers is couched as something that a woman must do before she can attain healing as a true child of God.
In both ‘old school’ and new age Nigerian churches, forgiveness of abusers especially in cases of domestic violence and rape is demanded of women under the pretext that ‘you also have sinned yet God forgave you’.
In some extreme cases, women are told to forgive the men who hurt them as wives and sent right back to receive more beating while the church turns a blind eye until she dies.
Then, these same people have the audacity to ask why she didn’t leave the marriage.
In yet other cases, little girls and teenagers who have been assaulted or molested get taught in sexual purity classes that the only way they can get the rapist’s spirit out of them and be pure, is to forgive and forget the act.
But the questions remain these: “Is forgiveness truly a guarantee that a woman shall heal from the resentment and life long trauma that rape and domestic abuse brings?”; “How many men are prevented from seeking justice when a woman wrongs them and has kids that are not biologically theirs?”; “Does the church and religion truly believe forgiveness is a pathway to healing or are those who insist on forgiveness just dedicated to buying women’s silence on issues of abuse?”; “Why is the idea of an abuse survivor seeking revenge for abuse so frowned upon under the guise of it not being ‘healthy’?”.
It is not only in the walls of the church and mosque that women get shamed and bullied into forgiving men who raped or molested them. The media and in particular media heavily centered on religion tends to preach the gospel of forgiveness as a necessary way to become sin free in the eyes of God. This is even when women have been the ones violated.
To give a good example of the above mentioned, growing up Mount Zion movies were a popular staple in Christian homes.
They often preached women forgiving men for the vilest things and usually implied that women who did not accept cheating husbands or husbands who beat them would not make heaven if they couldn’t forgive their husband and accept him back.
In the same light, it is not only in the enclosed spaces of church or mosque that women are forced to not speak up about abuse situations. The rhetoric that women must let go of abuse is pushed even outside of religious spaces. This is such that women carry that mindset especially when the abuser belongs to her religion.
Speaking with Hadiza* she tells me that she was told to ignore a case of molestation by a man who even tried to rape her himself.
In her words: “There was this guy, a Muslim clerk who assaulted me when I was young. There was a time I decided to pursue it some years back, but another Muslim guy said I shouldn’t. He said that it’s going to be an embarrassment for I and my parents. He also said it will hinder me getting married and other stuff as well.”
She went on to say: “This other Muslim guy who was encouraging me to let the matter die tried raping me later.”
So what then is the solution to all of this? How do we move from a point of assault and the justified rage to a point of healing? As someone who has faced assault, I don’t necessarily call my own way of navigating the trauma from assault “forgiveness”. Nigerians have abused that word and have made it seem like without pardoning the act of abuse that I cannot heal and thrive.
Some things are simply unpardonable and abuse is one of them.
To heal, I simply give myself the permission to move on to love. I simply remember that I had a purpose before anyone violated me. I also remember that it is not my fault and the shame is not mine to carry.
Most importantly, I take active steps to speak the pain out either in a safe space or by writing it in my journal or through poetry.
The more we bully women into forgiving abusers under the guise of it being the only way they can heal, the more we transfer the shame of abuse onto the victim.
Even worse, we create resentment in women when they discover that they cannot adequately let go of an abuse situation that they haven’t experienced justice for.
More of society needs to change the focus of shame from the victim and back to the perpetrator and bullying women into forgiving is not it but is rather a means to silence us.
*Name changed to protect identity
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
