Unlearn The Shame Surrounding Asking For Help As A Woman

One of the worst things sexist societies like Nigeria have done to women is to demand our unpaid labour in virtually every aspect and throughout our lives. 

Regardless of if a woman is married, she is expected to partake of cooking in family gatherings as a daughter while her brothers and male cousins barely participate.

She is expected as a mother-in-law to help cater to children born to her own children while her husband sees the absence of grown children as the opportunity to go back to dreams he held off due to lack of finances that went into training his children. 

If she’s a wife with young children, she’s expected to clean, cook and yet do the “manly” tasks like providing financially while her husband is praised as “supportive” should he simply pick up a diaper.

This is even if he hardly changes his kids’ diapers, doesn’t know his children’s birthdays and may only take care of his babies and wife when other people are watching so that he gets pats on his back as a “good father”.

Now, one would expect that for people who are expected to give so much throughout our lives regardless of our marital and relationship status, then Nigerian and African societies would raise daughters and women to take and demand help and support in the same measure as we give.

But that is not the case.

If anything, it is the direct opposite that happens. Women and girls across Africa are raised to not voice discomfort and areas where they are in need. The result of this is that many women carry resentment towards those in the home and even in the workplace because they find it difficult to state their needs clearly. 

It is one thing to state that women shouldn’t have to ask for help and that those around them (read: men) should be able to help when they can see that women are in need. 

It is however another thing to discuss the long term effect of raising women and girls not to put ourselves out there career wise but rather to shrink and keep giving others even at the detriment of our health and wellbeing.

Speaking with Idayah, a graphic designer and songwriter, she says that part of the reason women may find it hard to ask for help is childhood trauma. 

In her words: “I think at times too, it is childhood trauma that manifests as ‘I find it difficult to ask for help’. An [emotionally and physically] neglected child that had to fend for herself, a child that had to become a parent at an early age, and a child with emotionally immature parents will most likely grow up to be adults that can’t ask for help.”

She went on to say: “But if you ask them, the adults, why they find it difficult to ask for help, they would tell you: ‘I don’t like disturbing people’, ‘I don’t like others to know I’m helpless’, ‘I don’t want them to look down on me’ etc. But these reasons are just unintentional excuses. 

It’s the trauma. They probably don’t even know they are dealing with one. So yes, societal constraints may be part of the reasons but trauma is most likely it.”

For Eff*, a writer and law student, she tells me that sometimes parents contribute to their daughters being unable to ask for help. She echoed the thoughts of Idayat when she said: “The truth is I should never have had to ask my parents for the basics. But even the basics, they failed at it. When I found out I had PCOS, I was 16. I went to different hospitals under different aliases till I got diagnosed.

The only time I ever asked for help I was 19. PCOS was whooping me and I was running mad… they told me to ask my Abba (God) since I was so independent.”

Eff went on to explain that sometimes men help but it is not genuine and often want sex as a payback. 

In her words: “And with men? There’s almost always a price. Sometimes the price is too high to pay. I remember being 14 years old and this man was present, yes. However, the price was my body. I didn’t even ask for his presence but I was desperate for love and anything sufficed.”

Another woman, Deborah shared a similar thought with Eff when she told me: “Personally, I don’t ask help from men because most times they will want you to pay in kind. I don’t want to owe something I cannot pay.”

When asked to explain why she finds it difficult to ask for help from both men and women, Posi*, an editor and writer told me overthinking may be a reason. 

To quote her: “From men, I think the underlying knowledge of what men are capable of demanding from any form of help rendered, makes us hold back from asking them.

From women, the bickering and unnecessary nagging and the fact that many can use the knowledge of what you once lacked against you in a future time.

For both, overthinking on the part of the asker is a thing too. 😅.”

She went further to say: “Not being able to ask for help in and on time has cost me opportunities. If I had half the audacity men have for making requests, I’d be in a better place.

I’ll not have regrets on the missed opportunities.”

Speaking with Osareme, an editor and content writer, she tells me that part of her issue with asking for help is that she hates being told no. She also said: “Me I suffer in silence because I don’t want anybody (any man) to ask me for something stupid [in return]. Or make me feel like my survival depends on them. Some people will help you and it’ll be a “if not for me” thing henceforth. Abeg abeg.”

There is a common statement which goes “no man is an island”. Although people tend to shame those who ask for help both male and female, we must admit that there is power in being helped and supported. Support often given to men by women.

We must raise daughters who shall feel no shame in asking their partners and those around them to ease their burdens both financially and in areas that have nothing to do with money.

If we don’t do this, we’ll have women who lose opportunities because they don’t know how to advertise themselves and seek necessary help in their careers.

*Names changed to protect identities.

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