One of my favourite Nigerian short story collections by a woman is Nearly All The Men In Lagos Are Mad which was written by Damilare Kuku.
I love it for how relatable the stories are in tackling issues of financial inequality, the hypocrisy of men who seek out rich women, infertility and mummy’s boys.
In my favourite story from it which was titled First Times, I observed how more often than not, the idea that men are financial providers is usually another lie told by sexism so that men will be excused from childcare and housework.
The woman in the story had been funding her older boyfriend’s life right from when she was in university, gave him numerous loans for three failed businesses and knew that her money was what he used to spend on sidechicks.
Although she eventually left him, I saw in her willingness to unlook, the behaviours of so many Nigerian and African women who are truly the breadwinners. These women give their salaries to their husbands so that he is not seen as less of a head even when he is without a job.
What is even more astounding, is that if you ask these women if a man is to provide, they would say yes even if their husbands are unemployed and gambling with their money. If you ask them if a man who even provides is enough reason for him not to know his child’s birthday, their response may be along the lines of: “He is a man and he spends so much time already trying to provide”.
They would say this even when they work harder, earn more and take active efforts to play the role two people should play in the lives of their children. How can’t we see the irony?
The irony of making excuses for men’s laziness in childcare but insisting that women’s financial contributions to their husbands and even their husband’s extended family must go unnoticed else the “natural order” of men as providers and protectors is seen for the caricature that it is.
But how do we undo the shame that comes with money related matters as women? How do we move from a point of watching mothers give fathers the credit of school fees payment? How do we create a world where terms of endearment would exist for women who are providers in their families?
Especially for women whose partners intentionally show up in the areas of childcare and housework?
This is such that even if their partners earn less, so long as the men actively do their part to make the home happy, they aren’t made to feel as though their masculinity isn’t intact. He would instead see his celebration of his wife’s finances, the way he shall see a celebration of her being a good mother or partner.
We have titles like “Odogwu” in Igbo to celebrate men who provide financially for their families. Where are those terms for women in African languages?
Speaking with Chiemena, a writer, she tells me that the reason most women feel fear around money and financial contributions, is that it upsets what most people feel is the natural order of things as earlier mentioned.
In her words: “This occurs because people say it is in men’s nature to provide. Women, at least, our mothers did not want us to see our fathers as lousy. And of course, men have fragile egos and women nurse this ego which so includes matters of money. A lot of people see money as respect and it is seen in the way children are trained.”
For Amanda, a filmmaker and writer, she believes that part of the reason women are not praised is cause money is seen as the preserve of men.
To quote her: “I used to have so much resentment. We are not praised a lot when we do things that are financial because people kind of look at us like are you supposed to even be doing that anyway.
They make it seem like we are trying to be men. At the same time if a man does a ‘woman’s job’ and takes care of the baby or even their own child, people act like the whole world has shifted and he is the best person in the entire universe”.
We cannot have true equality if we tell women that our financial contributions are not worthy of praise because we are women.
A truly just world must be one where women do not have to hide what they bring to the table or behave as though their money belongs first to their husbands to decide on.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
