Normalise Affirming Boundaries and Being Rude To Creepy Men

One of my favourite Nigerian feminist poets is Titilope Sonuga. Her ability to evoke deep feelings using minimalist sentences is nothing short of legendary. 

One thing I have come to learn from her poetry is that the word “no” is more than just a word for women. It is often what marks a woman as either a doormat for other people’s dreams or as a pioneer of her true desires and freedom in a heavily sexist society.

Often, women and girls are raised to be “sweet, nice and likeable” to our detriment. This is such that abusers capitalise on the inability of women to create necessary confrontation. This then allows abuse and disrespect to continue even when there is help because women and girls are raised to put the needs and wants of others before our own comfort.

But why is that? Why do women find it difficult to state discomfort even when we are in pain? Why is it that women find it hard to assert our wish for safe spaces and privacy without worrying that we would be seen as “brash bitter banshees”? What is it about women saying we want our personal space respected that riles sexist creepy men?

In the fight for women’s freedom, one thing that must be normalised is women being rude and yes even violent to men who think women’s bodies are theirs to play with. We must encourage young girls to use the power of their voice and hands to scare fear into men who believe that women’s bodies are playgrounds. We must not teach young girls to believe that a boy disturbing them or forcefully taking their toy, is because he likes them.

Rather, we must start from the root and question why the dynamics of love and attraction start teaching girls from a very young age to internalise the idea that bodily and material discomfort are normal parts of attraction. I do believe that if young girls weren’t shamed for being “loud” when they express discomfort, they would know how to address a teacher or uncle acting towards them in an inappropriate manner.

To further understand why it is important for women and girls to affirm our boundaries unapologetically, I spoke to three women.

Speaking with Jess, an entrepreneur and body positivity advocate, she shares with me an experience of sexual assault that was particularly unusual. 

In her words: “There’s this store that I buy chargers and stuff from. I was always misplacing my charger or earpiece so I became a regular there. So one day I went to get a charger, bent down to test it and the owner of the shop put his hands on my chest and started rubbing my breast. I froze and just stayed there…he then went back to talking to me like nothing happened. And me too mumu I continued talking to him too because I was too afraid to make a scene and have people make it my fault or act like it was in my head. I was wearing an oversized sweater and sweatpants by the way. It was the last time I ever went there and I never told anyone. I just went home to cry.”

For Glory, a writer, she believes that affirming boundaries is the first step to undoing negative behaviour in men. 

To quote her: “As women please do not spare these men. Be firm, it will save you so much hassle. 

A male friend then in secondary school was talking to me and just dragged my bra at the shoulder (out of the blue o) and I gave him a slap across his neck.  Like correct one in public and I told him then and there, I don’t play like that and I don’t like that. Our other group of friends present were saying I should not have done that, talked to him like that blablabla. They didn’t even put up a rebuttal. Some of them were female. I didn’t relent. Don’t try that shit again.”

She went on to say: “Guess what? 

Few weeks later one of the babes was crying out of embarrassment because he slapped and tapped her ass in public. Like why are you crying? Few weeks ago you said I shouldn’t have talked to him like that. You gave him permission for yourself that his actions were okay and you did not mind but now you are crying real tears because he tapped your ass in public? I really am not understanding.

Essentially say NO. Set boundaries. Do not let these men think certain behaviours are ok. It only empowers them.”

When asked to share her views on being rude to creepy men, Rukayat, a writer, shares a story that is instructive on how more needs to be done to make public transportation safer for women. 

She said: “There was once a creepy man seated next to me in a bus at Ketu, Lagos. This man was stylishly rubbing his body against mine and squeezing me in the bus with his thighs. It was obviously uncomfortable and it didn’t matter how much I shifted or tried to get away from this man, he kept on trying to rub his body against mine.”

She went on to say: “I didn’t want to come off as rude so even though I was annoyed and frustrated from Lagos traffic and this harassment, I didn’t say a word. I endured the inconvenience until I couldn’t and had to come down from the bus and trek to where I was headed. I carried my tired self and walked the distance because if I had stayed a moment longer in that bus, the man would have probably started touching me with his hands and God knows, I’d have been very rude to someone’s father. I’d have spoken in anger and I didn’t want to do that but it was also because I didn’t want to come off as rude.”

Teaching women and young girls to affirm boundaries goes beyond creepy men. It is an essential part in a woman’s ability to negotiate better pay and speak up in uncomfortable work situations.

It is therefore imperative that assertiveness, grit and confidence are not seen as things reserved for men but rather as things all women must embody.

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