One of my best books by Buchi Emecheta is her 1979 novel titled Joys of Motherhood. Though many tout it as “trauma porn”, it is a book I read anytime I need a reminder of what will happen to me should I not take charge of my life.
The novel explores motherhood, polygamy, domestic violence, spirituality and the importance of women learning to collaborate across whatever barrier men impose on us.
In reading the novel, one thing I also realised is that lots of women tend to be intimidated by women who are bold, audacious, ambitious and with zero desire to conform for men’s approval. For example, there was the character of Adaku who left a marriage where she was inherited as a second wife and proceeded to trade successfully. Adaku was blamed and despised by other women for being “too ambitious” and for living her life in a way that was simply audacious for a woman in their society.
She was also blamed for having only daughters and yet, her fortunes at the end of the story were more inspiring than the women who thought having sons made them better than her.
I have provided this backdrop to ask what drives why women are intimidated by other women who simply refuse to conform to the laid down societal dictates that constitute being a “good woman?”. Why is it that women who have given up a career tend to shame the women who have thriving careers and have children who are also well brought up and who contradict the idea that having a career means your children will suffer?
Why is it that women who wait years for men to propose to them and ask them out, shame women like Jodie Turner-Smith who proposed to her husband and by all indications seems to be in a happy marriage?
Why is it that women who have bought into the belief that having your own money as a woman scares men away become so angry when they see a rich woman who marries rich and still has her husband invest in her education and businesses?
Why is it that women who say they love their kids and have no regrets having kids become incensed when a childfree woman posts how much she loves to travel and how she enjoys coming back home to a clean and quiet environment?
What exactly drives why women tend to be angry at bold and audacious women who are thriving? Is it because it can hurt seeing another woman live the life you were told is simply impossible? Is it the feeling of being cheated? Is the anger driven by the knowledge that most women simply lack the courage to go against all they have been taught by those they love? Is it because most women still care what other people think and cannot conceptualise a life outside of the continual approval of men?
Speaking with AG, she admitted that it could be a case of jealousy.
In her words: “So I’m in my late 20’s and I honestly don’t have much going on for me, career wise, financially, romantically and I am struggling with serious body dysmorphia. Anyways a cousin recently came back from abroad, she’s rich, independent and everyone around really likes her because she is actually likeable.
But from the moment I saw her all I could feel was jealousy, and this intense feeling of inadequacy. No matter how nice and friendly she is to me, I’m really curt and try to avoid her. And it makes me feel so terrible, for one as a feminist and also as a Christian. I don’t know what to do with this jealousy, and in all honesty I’ve been praying and trying to find ways to deal with this.
And it’s crazy because I would have considered (and still consider) myself to be a big supporter of women winning. But recently I’ve had just disappointment after disappointment, and I’m living with a family member that hates idleness (especially unemployed grown adults).
So yeah everything just culminated into me being so jealous of this girl whilst simultaneously admiring her. And I won’t lie due to how I feel about this situation, it is why I will die on the hill that women who have disdain or hate childfree women are just jealous.”
For Tomilola*, she believes it is mainly from insecurity.
To quote her: “I would say it’s primarily insecurity. It leaves me thinking: ‘Aren’t women supposed to be supporting women?’. There’s this pharmacist I don’t know from Adam; once I step in to get stuff looking like my usual self that can be seen as good hygiene and trying to look my best, she frowns and pretends she doesn’t hear me talking. Have I ever talked to her prior to meeting her there…no. But she feels intimidated by my presence and this is a pretty woman o. Conclusively, I think women reflect the idea of who they would like to be on someone else. So their insults are surface level to me. Especially from married and old women telling other women to stop dressing like this and that, do this and that. Just for them to find their prey and mislead them.”
When asked to share her thoughts, Jojo echoed Tomilola’s thoughts.
She said: “✨Insecurity✨
Why would another woman be doing well in their life and you feel some type of way about it if it weren’t insecurity? Anger is driven by men. It’s just that simple. Every horrible thing you’ve heard about women in this situation is from misogynistic men not getting their way and pickmes just continue the spread of information.
Every horrible horrible thing I’ve ever heard is by a man who regurgitated it without proof like a 4 stomach animal.
I’ve experienced women asking me to talk and walk a certain way to be likeable and I’ve done it and I can report it doesn’t do shit for you or your life or mental health. You end up unhappy, alone and losing a lot of parts of yourself.
I have definitely personally experienced change to seem more pleasant for a man. On God it is still the worst decision of my life. I was blamed for it and disrespected for it more by him and everyone else when that was exactly what he wanted. It will never ever be worth it.
Ahh if you like, allow another person’s insecurities to stop you from shining. You will taste blood with the way you will bite your cheek. Better learn lesson.”
One thing more women need to learn is that other women’s successes, dreams and accomplishments are not an attack on our own abilities.
The only way to overall success for women is by forming solidarity and learning from each other. That cannot happen if we see other women who are bold and audacious as those who must be reduced or tamed.
*Name changed to protect identity.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.