In a recent video, psychologist and expert on narcissistic abuse, Dr Ramani Durvasula discusses what she feels the film adaptation of It Ends With Us did right and what it did wrong. Although she says she appreciates that the film brings awareness to the important issue of abusive relationships, she criticizes its oversimplified and unrealistic depiction of how survivors leave abuse.
Here are some of her main points, along with insightful commentary:
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1. Early Red Flags and Love Bombing
Dr. Ramani points out that the film captures red flags typical in abusive relationships quite well. The male lead, Riley, demonstrates troubling inclinations early in the narrative when he starts kicking furniture—a tell-tale sign of dysregulated behaviour.
“One of the first things Lily observes is his aggressive outburst,” Dr. Ramani explains. “This should have been a cue to quietly leave, not engage. But for many survivors of abuse, early red flags are often rationalized or ignored, especially if they’ve grown up in environments where violence was normalized.”
The love-bombing phase also complimented with too many sad backstories, and the frightening intensity showered on Lily was also detailed. “It was as if they crammed every love-bombing tactic they could think of into like a five-minute scene,” she says.
2. The Trauma Bonding Process
Dr. Ramani said the movie did a great job showing how trauma bonding works. Early episodes of physical abuse, like Riley’s shoving of Lily in the kitchen, were justified by Lily as accidental or partly excused due to his career as a surgeon.
“These moments are often the turning point,” Dr. Ramani says. “The rationalizations feel plausible in the moment, and survivors convince themselves it’s a one-time incident or a misunderstanding.”
There are also scenes in how the abuser’s jealousy and desire for control slowly seep into Lily’s life, like Riley’s want to go to a dinner that was supposed to be just for her and her mother.
3. Unrealistic Escape from Abuse
The film included an inspirational narrative, but Dr. Ramani criticizes the movie for its overly tidy ending. Lily, the protagonist, had the perfect set of circumstances that freed her from the abusive relationship, including:
- An ex-boyfriend to whom she turned who went to her rescue.
- A mother trying to help her piece her life back together.
- A sister-in-law who was on Lily’s side and didn’t enable the abuser.
- An abusive spouse who conveniently refrained from post-separation abuse, custody battles, or legal harassment.
“If I could map out the perfect scenario for someone leaving an abusive relationship, this would be it,” Dr. Ramani notes. “But this is not how real life works. Most survivors don’t have this level of unconditional support and resources.”
4. Misrepresentation of Abuser Behavior
One of the film’s unrealistic aspects, according to Dr. Ramani, is the way in which Riley, the abuser, becomes calm and compliant after Lily chooses to leave him.
“In real life, abusers rarely accept separation so easily,” she explains. “Post-separation abuse, from stalking to smear campaigns, is far more common. The absence of these dynamics in the film is misleading and could set up false expectations for survivors.”
She also notes that the abuser’s backstory—his childhood trauma involving a sibling’s accidental death—might be used by viewers as a justification for his behavior.
“Yes, trauma can explain impulsivity or dysregulation, but it does not excuse abuse,” Dr. Ramani asserts.
5. Harmful Expectations for Survivors
Dr. Ramani worries that the film could dissuade survivors from leaving abusive relationships if they do not have the same resources or end results as Lily.
“A viewer might think, ‘Why can’t I leave as easily as she did?’ or ‘I don’t have someone waiting to help me rebuild my life,’” she warns. “These fears are valid, and the film doesn’t address the very real challenges survivors face when trying to leave.”
6. Some Positive Aspects of the Film
Even after all of her criticisms, Dr. Ramani agrees that the film addresses some key points. It accurately depicted intergenerational cycles of abuse and the impact of past trauma on future relationships.
“I appreciated how the film showed that we often walk into abusive relationships because they feel familiar,” she notes. “It’s a cycle, and breaking it is incredibly hard without the right support.”
7. A Demand for Realism in Media
Dr. Ramani ends her piece with a discussion of the importance of realistic portrayals of abuse in media.
“While books and movies are meant to provide an escape, we have to be careful when presenting abuse as something that can be easily overcome,” she says. “Survivors need to know that it’s okay to struggle, to feel scared, and to not have everything figured out. It’s not about shame—it’s about acknowledging how hard this journey really is.”
Dr. Ramani’s contemplative critique is a reminder that while films — such as It Ends With Us — can generate crucial conversations, they should also try to offer a balanced, realistic portrayal. Survivors of abuse deserve stories that affirm their struggles, not ones that ignore them for a Hollywood ending. As Dr. Ramani concludes, “what this movie really shows” is “how far we still have to go in understanding and supporting survivors of abuse.”
Peace Nero is a writer and blogger who loves to explore different topics of self-development. She shares her personal experiences in order to help people discover their true purpose in life.