In a world filled with difficulties, one of the best things a woman can have is friendship. Friendship with fellow women and sometimes men can be a gift and a source of relief from the worries of adulthood.
However, what happens when friendships have to take on a long distance mode because friends move away from each other.
How do we maintain friendships that can be erased due to distance? There is a lot of talk on long distance relationships and there needs to be talk on long distance friendships too.
Urban Woman Magazine recently spoke to some women to hear their opinions on long distance friendships.
Read their words below.
Raheemat
With long distance friendships, I think it depends on how close the friendship is, and how the people involved want to keep up with the friendship. I have a friend I met in school in 2019, we were friends till graduation. Then NYSC came and we now live in different cities, but I tell you we are now closer than ever before. I don’t know how; we talk everyday, we motivate each other, we advise each other, we talk about our favourite series.
At first I thought the friendship was going to go like that. So I think just with romantic relationships, effort needs to be made in friendship especially a long distance one for it to sustain. I know it’s not easy to always hit up people to have conversations with them after a busy day but if one side is willing and the other is giving half assed replies and remarks, connection will be lost.
But then again there are still those friends that are far from you, you don’t talk every time but when you do, the conversation is always meaningful, I have a friend like this too.
Esohe
Distance affects all relationships but I think the way or the extent to which it does depends on how close the two people were already before long distance entered the equation. I also don’t think it matters if the friend is a woman or a man except there’s something romantic going on.
A handful of my friends have moved abroad and one major way we keep up with each other is viewing and commenting on each other’s WhatsApp status. Sometimes the comments lead to a bigger conversation. We also schedule calls.
To people who feel lonely, I’d say maybe try to organise fun online activities for you and your friend instead of just conversations. Movie nights, online karaoke etc. Also try to make more friends in the city you’re in; it’s not easy and it sucks to ‘start over’ socially but it helps.
Oke*
As someone whose relationships with almost everyone in my life is long distance, I have been deeply affected. It sucks really, I can’t lie.
I maintain friendships by being chronically online (honestly I hate it sometimes cause seeing them physically is way better). So we communicate with social media and FaceTime. I also remember birthdays and special events. I try to send gifts and keep them updated about things going on. When I am in their city, I squeeze in as many visits as possible. I also enjoy going down memory lane with them. Talking about things we have done in the past usually strengthens our connection.
About suggestions hm…well the loneliness is going to feel like it would kill you but you’ll get better. Accept that the dynamics of the friendship has changed. Adapt to the new normal and make new traditions around your friendship.
Make new friends, don’t neglect your long distance friends. Be patient with your long distance friends, life is kicking everyone. Most importantly, be honest about how you feel and don’t hide it from them. Good communication is your strongest ally.
Grace
Josephine and I were friends for a few years before she left Nigeria. While her leaving was necessary, I felt like it would affect our friendship. Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, it hasn’t. In fact, I love her more and more each day and she has shown me what real love looks like even though she’s thousands of miles away. I miss her everyday and I wish I could give her hugs on good and bad days but, a part of me believes we wouldn’t be this close if she stayed in Nigeria.
To me, the distance is a blessing and a pain in the ass (not a curse).
How do we maintain our friendship? Oversharing. We are always communicating 😂 through snaps, texts and video calls.
Also, I think it helps that I’m deeply in love with her (platonically). I’m so lucky to know her and I’m glad I get to call her my friend.
Sophia*
I think the kind of friend group I have…we’ve been friends for over 15 years. And even though we all went to separate universities in different countries, we still came back to our own group.
I think there’s just an unspoken rule of “even if the world is crashing, I still have you in my corner”.
We do weekly check-ins. If it doesn’t work out we just send a vn and update each on how life is going. All I would say is, if you know deep down this friendship is too good to lose, you would do anything to keep it running. I can tell you of friends that went ghost on me for months.
One for the duration of her masters. Like you would call and text and no answer.
They eventually realised that men, this person truly cares. The percentage of good friends I’ve had outweigh the bad. And I am truly grateful for that. But communication is key. It may not always be “hey, how are you doing?” But sending memes and funny videos is a way. It just shows this person is alive, they are okay and they enjoy the same content as you do.
Samm
Monica, Jennifer and I have been friends since the first day of class in university (2016). Monica and I lived together from 100 level until graduation, where she had to go back home in a far away state. I haven’t seen her in over a year now and I only got to see Jenny once or twice last year even though we were still in the same town. Now that they’re all out of town, I was worried about our friendship, but I was wrong. My girlies and I are still doing great. We still rush to give each other gist and are there to support one another.
I do miss the days when I could get death glares from the wereys for saying something off point, but emojis and stickers aren’t so bad now until we get together again. Hopefully, really soon.
Ngozi*
Yes, I believe distance does affect friendships. However, I don’t think that it could be linked to the gender differences since it takes two willing people to make a relationship of any kind to work.
In my case, I started getting used to being physically apart from my friends in 2017.
It started with me moving to another country to study…
Some years later, I bonded with someone who became a friend, and in about a year of us being friends, she had to migrate to a new country. It was hard but I eventually got used to it.
Most of my very close friends are thousands of miles away from me, but we’ve made a commitment to make it work no matter what.
Some of the most effective ways we’ve been able to stay connected and close over the years are: intentional check-ins, scheduled phone and video calls, praying together daily, weekly or monthly, sending each other helpful videos or other resources we found online and even songs that we are listening to and loving.
We agreed to stop waiting for the “right time” to text each other. The moment a close friend crosses my mind, I send a text or leave a voice note.
Even though the message may not be instantly responded to, I understand that the time difference plays a role here…
When I get vns from my friends, I may not listen immediately but I will still send a short text to let me know that I have seen the message and will respond as soon as possible and vice versa…
We have come to a point where we understand that life gets busy and because we are very intentional about making our friendship work, we put in the necessary work.
We also plan things together. For example, if one of my friends has a big event, she creates a group where all her close friends can come together and contribute to the success of that event with their suggestions. We are all in different places, but it has helped our relationship A LOT.
Another thing that has been helping is creating music playlists together. For example, in January, I created a new playlist on Spotify and invited one of my friends as a collaborator…
All of these small things add up in the long run.
*Name changed to protect identity.
Angel Nduka-Nwosu is a writer, journalist and editor. She moonlights occasionally as a podcaster on As Angel Was Sayin’. Catch her on all socials @asangelwassayin.
